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Boston Legal (2004 - 2008) is a dramedy set in the fictional law firm of Crane, Poole and Schmidt in Boston, Massachusetts. It is a spin off of The Practice, which was created by David E. Kelley.

Catch-Phrases

Denny Crane

"Lock and load."

[rapid-fire] "Denny-Crane!"

"Not having sex with you"

Shirley Schmidt

[To associates when they question her authority] "The Name of this firm is Crane, Poole & Schmidt. I'm Schmidt."

Judge Clark Brown

"IT'S SHOCKING!!" "Outrageous!"

Melvin Palmer

"You're a hoot, that's what you are!" [Several variations thereof, eg: "I just made more money, that's what I did!" or "I'm a get-along kinda guy, that's what I am!"]


Alan Shore

"Just the same" [Usually responding Denny's "I'm not having sex with you"]

Season 1

Head Cases [1.01]

Brad Chase: Uh, I think that's my seat.
Alan Shore: Yes, I did see someone's things here. I moved them to a less desirable location.
[Brad gives him a smirky stare.]
Alan: I'm sorry. We're not territorial about that sort of thing around here, are we?
Denny Crane: [introductions] Denny Crane.
Chicago Partner: I know. I'm from Chicago.
Denny Crane: Oh, my kind of town. Always had the best sex of my life in Chicago. What about you?
Associate: Where the hell is Edwin?
Edwin Poole: [entering the room, wearing no pants] Sorry I'm late, good people.
Alan: Is it casual Monday?
Brad: I outrank you.
Alan: And I'm such a slut for authority.
Alan: I have trouble talking that fast. I don't believe in being straight up, but I'm a big fan of your Aqua Velva commercials.
Alan: You two have had sex!
Brad: We're not territorial about that sort of thing, are we?
Little Orphan Annie's Mom: She's earned this, Mr. Shore.
Alan: I have no doubt. But you realize producers do have discretion in the art of casting - strikes me as a very inexact science.
Al Sharpton: The sun needs to come out today - not tomorrow, your honor. [courtroom explodes in applause] That's what you call a rabbit, son. Denny Crane.

Still Crazy After All These Years [1.02]

Alan: Christine, you were in love with a man who was unworthy of you, who made you doubt everything you had a right to count on, who perhaps even toyed with your sanity.
Christine: That's still no reason to kill him.
Alan: Perhaps he had it coming.
Christine: Perhaps you did.
Alan: [to Brad] Do you do tongue pushups?
Alan: [to Sally] I haven't kept up with the boyfriend/girlfriend regulations.
Denny: A man died during angioplasty, leaving him dead. Tragic.
Denny: [deposing an attractive plaintiff] In this last year, would you say you've had more or less sex since your husband died?
Alan: [to Lori] I find it difficult to maintain grudges against all those who want to kill me, don't you? Perhaps you'll find that witty comeback in your office.
Alan: I demand only one thing in a relationship, Christine, that I remain utterly alone.
Alan: I may not be able to talk as fast, but my tongue is more versatile.
Alan: I love Vermont. Would you allow me to cover your body with maple syrup?
Alan: [regarding Brad and Tara] They make a lovely couple, don't they? He has a nice tight ass, don't you think?
Denny: I'm still a good lawyer.
Paul: Yes, you are. [pauses] You remember Muhammad Ali's last fight? We had ringside seats. He lost so pathetically to Larry Holmes; we were so crushed. The tragedy that night, Denny, wasn't that he couldn't still box; he could. The tragedy was that he still thought he was Ali. You're a good lawyer, my friend. You're just not Denny Crane.

Catch and Release [1.03]

Donny Crane: Dad, he's mocking me.
Denny: You're a Crane, get used to it.
Sally: What could I possibly say in my closing? I've got nothing.
Alan: Rabbit.
Sally: I'm sorry?
Alan: Pull a rabbit out from under your dress.

Change of Course [1.04]

Denny: Sally, that was not a pleasant meeting. Typically when associates are unhappy, I give them a hug.
Sally: I don't want a hug, Mr. Crane.
Denny: Okay. May I have one?
Warren: That's it? Two questions. That was your cross?
Lori: I didn't have much to cross him with, Warren.
Warren: Then what was the point of your questions? Tell me that.
Lori: I was trying to establish that you were coerced. The judge doesn't shock easily but maybe the jury does.
Warren: Oh, I see; you were going for shock value. Well, maybe you could've really gone for it and asked three questions.
Brad: Feel free to mock me all you want, but don't you dare ridicule our troops.
Alan: Just so I'm clear, I should feel free to mock you.

An Eye for an Eye [1.05]

Alan: One last proposal that's entirely possible. I'm kidding by the way, depending upon your reaction-300,000 sealed, we kick back fifty to you under the table.
Attorney: Mr. Shore, I guarantee you I am not that kind of attorney.
Alan: Really? Gosh, I am.
Attorney: I should report you directly to the bar, if not the district attorney.
Alan: Well, if that's how you feel, then I was kidding.
Alan: So, shall we?
Tara: We shall. Do you have Morgan's address?
Alan: I do, but what I meant is, shall we continue where we left off last night?
Tara: In front of my building with you peeing in the planter?
Alan: I was about to burst. You should've let me come up.
Tara: That plant needed watering.
Brian Stevens: Motion for continuance is denied.
Denny: You know what I'm going to do, Brian, just to show you there are no hard feelings? I'm going to sleep with your wife.

Truth Be Told [1.06]

Alan: Feels good, doesn't it?
Roberta: What feels good?
Alan: Having sex with the candidate. What if he wins? I bet the orgasms are even better if he wins. [sighs] I'm jealous.
Dr. Lee: And who is the current President of the United States?
Denny: That would be Ernest Borgnine.

Questionable Characters [1.07]

Judge Brown: Do you know what my mother would call you? A namby-pamby. Weak and spineless, bellyaching about some trumped up medical excuse.


Denny: Hell, if I had a nickel for every woman I'd promise to marry in exchange for sex...actually, I do.
Judge Brown: I don't like this. Your office gets behind, so you just let criminals walk?
Alan: It's reassuring to see that you haven't formed any conclusions about my client's guilt or innocence.
Judge Brown: You know what my mother says? “If it smells funny, I'm not eating it.”
Alan: Exact opposite of my motto.

Loose Lips [1.08]

Gil Furnald: I just like wearing women's clothes sometimes. It's not a sexual turn-on; it just feels right sometimes.
Denny: So, basically, you're a sicko.
Gil Furnald: I'm not sick.
Denny: Lighten up, man. So what, you got caught in a skirt? That what you're saying?
Gil Furnald: My employer found out, and, yes, I got fired. They asked me a lot of questions, like whether I'm gay.
Denny: Well, are you? Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Alan: What's your specialty?
Dr. Konigsberg: Couples' counseling. I first saw the client and his wife together. Since the divorce, I've been working with him alone.
Alan: So they came to you to improve their relationship, and now one wants to kill the other. Not your best work, was it, doctor?
Judge Hingham: You want children to sit in the lap of a ho-mo-sexual?
Alan: Technically Judge I think Homosexual is just one word.

(Later in the episode when Alan is closing Judge Hingham says ho-mo-sexual again)

Alan: Those three little words again...
Al Sharpton: [bursts into the courtroom] Sorry I'm late, Judge, I'll make this quick...
Alan: And subtle!
Judge Harry Hingham: [to Sharpton] Who the hell are you?
Al Sharpton: [continues without pause] ...The image of Santa Claus has been crafted for hundreds, and hundreds, and hundreds of years. We're supposed to be in a different day. Give the world a black Santa Claus, let the people have an African-American come down the chimney bearing joy and good will!
Alan: [whispers] Gay, not black.
Al Sharpton: The prejudice against gay people must stop. We all say we're for gay rights. We all say we accept homosexuality. But give a gay man a hug, sit in his lap?
Judge Harry Hingham: Who is this man?
Al Sharpton: [continuing] Let the bells of tolerance ring out this Christmas. Let people open their minds as they open their presents underneath the tree. We need your mind, judge, today. Let the gay man be my brother, be your brother, be the school teacher, be the construction worker. Give the world a gay Santa Claus, God Almighty, God Almighty, God Almighty! Leave out the cookies and milk this Christmas Eve for a holly, jolly homosexual, God Almighty!
Alan: And cut!
[courtroom explodes in applause]

A Greater Good [1.09]

Hired Guns [1.10]

Julio Flores: You Alan Shore?
Alan: Not if you're a process server
Denny: Tom Delay is a friend of mine. He advised me to keep a rifle in the office
Detective: My question is: Did it appear that the suspect was about to shoot Mr. Shore before you decided to take him out?
Denny: No, why the hell would I wait for that?

Schmidt Happens [1.11]

Alan: Alan Shore, it's a pleasure. [extends hand to shake Shirley's hand after using the restroom]
Shirley Schmidt: Surely you intend to wash that.
Alan: I keep an extremely clean penis.
Denny: You left me, Shirley. Women don't leave Denny Crane. And for a secretary!
Shirley: It was the Secretary of Defense.

From Whence We Came [1.12]

Denny: You hear the one about the fella who died? Went to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter let him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument and says, "Who's that?" St. Peter says, "Oooohhh, that's God. Thinks he's Denny Crane."
Nora: Mrs. Schmidt?
Shirley: My mother is Mrs. Schmidt; you may call me Schmidt.
Lori: What are you doing out here?
Shirley: Just looking at the city. Still trying to fathom that-
Lori: The Red Sox won?
Catherine: Alan! Hello!
Alan: Mrs. Piper?
Catherine: You remember! Ha, ha. Oh, I always say, "Shake a man's hand with dog poop on your glove, he'll remember you for life."
Alan: Shirley? [sighs] What about senior partners? There would be nothing wrong with me...lusting, say, after you? Would there?
Shirley: Go subscribe to National Geographic. Make a list of the places you'll never get to visit. Add to that list, Schmidt.
Bernie: Alan, she said she was gonna call the police. She said what she heard would not be hearsay. She looked it up, she said because we were arguing, it would-it would qualify as an excited blutterance. Suddenly the skillet was in my hand and I swung.
Alan: Blutterance isn't even a real word. Much less a defense. You murdered somebody over a fake word.
Denny: Lock and load. Where is everybody?
Paul: This is an administrative meeting, Denny.
Denny: Oh! Then what the hell am I doing here?
Shirley: Remember the good ole days when you liked to know what was going on? When you could go from your office to the elevator without a roadmap?
Denny: Didn't need a roadmap to find my way around your body, did I, Shirley?
Shirley: I wouldn't know. I was usually asleep.
Denny: I once had her...and Streisand...at the same time. Remember that?
Shirley: Hahhh, I do Denny. Ha ha. And not to burst your bubble, but that was a male impersonator. Perhaps the penis might have been your clue.

It Girls and Beyond [1.13]

Alan: Why does Shirley get to skip the staff meetings?
Paul: She's got a trial in New York later this week, so she has a busy day.
Brad: Some of us have trials today, so if you don't mind, I'd like to cut out.
Lori: What's your case about, Brad?
Alan: What is it about?
Brad: It involves interference with contractual relations.
Alan: You mean...lesbians?
Paul: Where are you?
Brad: Today, they're calling Tracy to testify that her ex-lover was-
Alan: Lesbian ex-lover.
Brad: -to testify that Tracy was scamming her for money. Tracy was in fact not an actual bone-fide...
Alan: Lesbian?
Brad: You like saying it?
Alan: I do.
Brad: Say it again.
Alan: Lesbian.
Brad: Keep going.
Alan: LESBIAN! LESBIAN! Lez-bee-un. All together now!
All: Lesbian!
Alan: I also like to watch. How many people like to-
Paul: All right, that's enough, this is a staff meeting. I'll ask you all to conduct yourselves appropriately and professionally.
Catherine: Cookies everyone! Nourishment is most important in the morning.
Paul: Who is this woman?
Catherine: Take two, Tara, you're a rail.
(Later in the episode)
Alan: Hey Brad! All together now!
All: Lesbian!
Catherine: Isn't coffee a lovely drug? I love brain stimulants, don't you? Uh, Catherine Piper!
Brad: Brad Chase.
Catherine: Brad Chase? You're defending a lesbian!
Lori: Hi! I'm Lori Colson, we haven't officially met.
Catherine: Hello, dear. Catherine Piper.
Lori: For the future, I don't really appreciate comments about my hair.
Catherine: Oh! I'm sorry. I was just trying to make conversation. And I assumed you wouldn't want me to go anywhere near your eyebrows.
Alan: Shirley?
Shirley: Alan?
Alan: You're in the men's room again.
Shirley: I need a favor.
Alan: Certainly. My stall or yours?
Denny: If she tries to pee standing up, come and get me. [after closing the door to the stall] Lock and load!
Denny: Did my client tell you that this drug is unapproved by the FDA?
Mark Harrison: Yes.
Denny: Did he tell you that, ah, there could be side effects?
Mark Harrison: Yes.
Denny: You were fully informed.
Mark Harrison: I was.
Denny: You consented.
Mark Harrison: I did.
Denny: Take it again?
Mark Harrison: Absolutely.
Denny: Like the doctor?
Mark Harrison: Love him.
Denny: How's your memory?
Mark Harrison: My memory's fine.
Denny: What's my name?
Mark Harrison: Denny Crane.
Denny: Like you mean it!
Mark Harrison: Denny Crane!
Denny: What's my name?!
Mark Harrison: [shouts] Denny Crane!
Denny: No further questions.

Til We Meat Again [1.14]

Denny: You would agree, Mr. Mayor, that by and large, vegetarians are communists?
Mayor George Bostwick: I certainly would not.
Denny: We're at war, Mr. Bostwick. Think we can win that war if we suddenly say to our soldiers, "No more meat"? Think a nation of fish-eaters can protect the world, you wimp?
Attorney for Mayor: Objection?
Denny: Withdrawn. Nothing further.
Mayor: (Under his breath) Wimp?
Shirley: (To Denny) What the hell are you doing?!?
Denny: Don't bother with the merits, Shirley, this case is all about the Judge.
Judge Clark Brown: Now I'm going to do the interrupting. If Nothing Else I pride myself on being conscientious fact finder.
Denny: Oh Brother
Judge Brown: Mr. Crane, did you say something?
Denny: It's a stupid law. Overturn it, be a man.
Shirley: Mr. Crane was trying to be helpful, apparently he did not succeed.
Judge Brown: We will hold an evidentiary hearing at 2:00. We will first hear from the Mayor and then, Miss Schmidt, if you choose, we will hear from your client. Until then, we are adjourned.
Denny: Put on a dress
Judge Brown: 2:00!
Shirley: (To Denny) What are you doing?
Denny: I know this Judge. I know where his buttons are.
Shirley: Research shows, Denny, it's not wise to antagonize the people whose favor you're trying to court!
Denny: Oh, come on Shirley. You still antagonize me and we both know what's really going on, don't we?
Shirley: You sweet man. It's been a long time since anyone's hit my button. I doubt you'd even know where to find it!
Denny: Just a matter of time, Shirley, just a matter of time. (To client, who's sitting right next to them) This doesn't involve you, man, it's sexual.
Alan: When a man turns 40, he begins to take measure of himself. I must admit I don't like what I see.
Tara: You're turning 43.
Alan: If you don't mind, I'm trying to appear vulnerable to facilitate my snorkeling up your thighbone later.
Tara: Alan? You boyfriend. Me girlfriend. You have a season's pass.
Alan: You're ruining the conquest part, which is all it's really about for me.
Denny: How can you ban red meat?
Dominick Ryan: Well, they've got a whole campaign, they're going to go with it. They plan to promote Summersport as the seafood capital of the world.
Denny: We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians.
Dominick: Is there anything we can do?
Shirley: We'll get an immediate TRO.
Denny: I'll argue it myself. Ban red meat. That cannot pass Constitutional mustard.
Shirley: The word is "muster", Denny, but you're right - the law lacks condiments.
Chelina Hall: Schmidt! Called?
Shirley: Chelina? I called you three hours ago! Where have you been?
Chelina: Patriots parade.
Shirley: The Patriots parade was last week!
Chelina: Three Super Bowls. Four years. I'm still on parade.
Denny: How are you doing? Denny Crane.Still cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

Tortured Souls [1.15]

Alan: the thought of giving representation to that thug...
Denny: come on, we hate all our clients. It's good to hate - it allows us to overcharge and still sleep at night.
Donny Crane: We're talking about emotions of the heart.
Denny: Objection. Sounds like a girly man.
Donny Crane: [angrily] Move to strike!
Denny: That's better.
Lori: And what exactly is your defense?
Alan: Something like let him go even though he did it.
Lori: Jury nullification?
Alan: Best I can tell, though Shirley hasn't really filled me in.
Shirley: Talking about me?
Alan: Yes Shirley. If you so enjoy keeping me in the dark, you really should give me a try…in the dark.
Alan: First of all, the idea of giving representation to that thug…
Denny: Alan, c'mon, we hate all our clients. It's good to hate, allows us to overcharge and still sleep at night.
Catherine Piper: All I'm saying is if you killed two people and if you're as alone as you say, there couldn't be a

better time for you to turn to Jesus Christ, your Savior.

Bernard Ferrion: Under normal circumstances I'd agree.
Catherine Piper: But?
Bernard Ferrion: I'm Jewish.
Catherine Piper: Bernie, there has never ever been a Jewish serial killer.
Bernard Ferrion: Son of Sam? David Berkowitz?
Catherine Piper: He was adopted. Genetically, he's one of ours.
Bernard Ferrion: Well, what are you saying?
Catherine Piper: I am saying that if you're out there murdering people, on some level, you must want to be Christian. Would you let me take you to church?

Let Sales Ring [1.16]

Assistant Attorney General Doug Beecham: What if somebody wanted to get frozen to avoid the draft?
Denny: Let him move to Canada, freeze his balls off. [Judge James Billmeyer looks at him] Denny Crane!
Lori: Wait, this firm is actually going to help Milton Bombay be put on ice?
Catherine: Oh, come now Lori. You of all people should know it's not so bad to go through life as a popsicle.
Shirley: I know you recently retired. Is this...
Milton: And please do not proffer psychological counsel. I came in here in search of legal and intellectual acuity.
Shirley: And you sought out Denny?
Shirley: Milton, I consider you a friend. Actually I don't, I find you a bit boorish...

Death Be Not Proud [1.17]

ADA Jackson: No cell phones allowed in here. How'd you get by with that?
Alan: I told the guard we're waiting for a last minute call from your conscience. Collect.
Tara: Nymphomania?
Shirley: Anything you can find. And we'll need to line up an expert who can testify, possibly as soon as tomorrow.
Brad: It's not a real disease. It's an excuse offered up by sex perv sickos.
Shirley: Yes, Brad. Thank you for that.
Lori: It's also a sexist diagnosis, as well as bogus. If a man was running around trying to schtup everything he could, we wouldn't say that he had a disease. We would just call him…
Denny: [entering, uttering his signature line] Denny Crane.
Shirley: Exactly.
Alan: I'm not about to go to Texas and not ride the mechanical bull, Chelina. That would be like going to Los Angeles and not sleeping with Paris Hilton.
Alan: I promise you. By the time I finish tomorrow, those judges - every last one of them - will rise up and say "Never mind executing Ezekiel Borns. Let's kill Alan Shore instead."
Chelina: Hey! Pretty boy. How'd you like to go to Texas?
Alan: I'd love to. I haven't had my shots.
Shirley: He is ultimately a benign man who we all happen to care about, including you. I think what you really mean to do is voice your concern unofficially.
Lori: I'm making an official complaint. If there's forms to be filled out please have them sent to my office. [walks away]
Shirley: You little bitch.

Season Two

The Black Widow [2.01]

Alan: [talking about Bernard] He seems to take particular delight in all of this. Does he not, Catherine?
Catherine: We all do. It's fun to see pretty people fall.
Alan: Your little boyfriend is twisted. Trust me when I tell you, he's not finished killing.

(In Judge Cooper's Chambers)

Judge Harvey Cooper: Mr. Shore, This, this woman is trying to manipulate this process. I will not be manipulated.
Denny: (Whispered To Alan) Mad Cow!
Judge Cooper: Silence! (To Alan) She likely fired her last attorney because she told him she did it, and he couldn't have put her on the stand to lie, so she was forced to retain new counsel, thereby keeping them in the dark. And now we have you, (to Denny) and you.
Denny: Well, if this woman wishes to manipulate me in the dark, then...
Alan: Denny...
Judge Cooper (To Denny) Silence!
Denny: (Whispered To Alan) The eye!
Judge Cooper (Whispered) Quiet!
Shirley: You know, I hate to break up the tea party but...
Malcolm: Careful, we're still a bit thin-skinned on that one. Such a waste of proper tea.
Alan: I can see you're aroused. You might consider the last man to make love to her died while doing so.
[Denny looks over Kelly Nolan's body.]
Denny: I'll take my chances.
Denny: Certainly you'd want me by your side at this trial.
Kelly Nolan: I'm sure you're very sweet, but old men tend to die on me.
Denny: I'm Denny Crane. No bigger ass--asset! You want me at your table.
Denny: My God, you're even more striking in person.
Kelly: Who is this man? And why is his face about to explode?
Alan: Kelly Nolan, this is Denny Crane. Success has caused his head to swell.
Denny: Not everything is about money, Shirley. Sometimes sex counts, too. It used to count with you. One minute you couldn't get enough of me, the next you lose interest. What happened, Shirley? I need to know.
Shirley: They invented color television.
Denny: You and me. In my office. Gimme 2 minutes.
Shirley: If you could last 3 I might consider it.
Kelly: [to Denny] How 'bout you go back to your office? I'll have a pair of my pants delivered. You can try and get in them on your own time.
Judge Peter Harding: And how are we supposed to understand what she's saying?
Malcolm: Well, we have her affidavit. Plus as it happens, I speak cello.

Schadenfreude [2.02]

[Denny and Alan are out on the balcony mid episode]
Denny: Is the show over already? You look beaten.
Alan: I just caught Tara laughing with another man.
Denny: Are you sure they weren't just...kissing or something?
Catherine: [to Bernie] What are ya going to do? Whack me on the head?
Denny: When a beautiful woman says, 'get me off', you 'get her off', Shirley, it's as simple as that.
Denny: [to Kelly] I'll visit you in jail. Conjugal.
Denny: I'm sorry, your honor. I have mad cow disease. I think you do, too.
Alan: Schadenfreude. From the German words, Schaden and Freude, damage and joy. It means to take spiteful, malicious delight in the misfortune of others. We used to dismiss this as simply an ugly side of human nature, but it is much, much more than that. Recently a Stanford professor actually captured Schadenfreude on a brain scan. It’s a physiological medical phenomenon. When we see others fall it sometimes causes a chemical to be released in the dorsal striatum of the brain which actually causes us to feel pleasure. If you watch the news or read the papers, which of course you don’t because the Judge said not to, but if you did, you would see the undeniable delicious joy of the media and the public over Kelly Nolan’s plight. I have no doubt that you want Kelly Nolan to be punished. She married for money, she had an affair, she carried on naked in the pool with her boyfriend. She’s cold, materialistic, unlikable, and it might bring you all pleasure to see her go to jail. But as for evidence to establish that she committed a murder beyond all reasonable doubt? It just isn’t there. The only possible route to a guilty verdict here is Schadenfreude.
[Denny and Alan are out on the balcony mid episode]
Denny: Is the show over already?

Finding Nimmo [2.03]

Denny: This isn't meaningful; practicing law and drinking scotch at 9 o'clock in the morning. Well, ok, maybe the scotch is meaningful.
Shirley: I make over a million dollars a year, and I'm in a basement looking for a dead midget.
Denny: You're one of those environmental lawyers?
Peter Barrett: Is there something wrong with that?
Denny: They're evildoers. Yesterday it's a tree, today it's a salmon, tomorrow it's, "Let's not dig up Alaska for oil because it's too pretty." Let me tell you something - I came out here to enjoy nature. Don't talk to me about the environment.
Alan: All reality, none of it scripted.
Denny: Can I fish yet?
Guide: You still have a timeout. You just sit there.
Alan: God likes to fish?
Denny: We need to go to the woods and touch ourselves...get in touch with ourselves.
Judge Sean O'Byrne: I find it insulting to be lectured by an American about the environment.
Denny: Watch it, judge, we're a superpower. Don't make us add you to the Axis.
Environmentalist: Excuse me. Are you Denny Crane?
Denny: Yes I am, and I am not your father.
Judge: Mrs. Piper, you wish to address the court?
Catherine Piper: Just...is it possible to request the Robert Blake jury?
Alan: Mindful that abroad, people expect shock and awe when Yankees arrive on the scene, we shall leave you with two small but lasting words...
Denny: Denny Crane, eh.
Alan: They call them cling-ons.
Denny: Did you says Klingons?
[Denny wakes up to find Alan in his bed.]
Denny: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?!
Alan: I don't know!
Denny: What do you mean you don't know?!
Alan: I...got scared! I thought I heard a bear outside!
[Denny and Alan are out on the balcony at the end of the episode looking at a photograph}
Denny: I shot my first steelhead!

A Whiff and a Prayer [2.04]

Congressman Raymond Jacobs: May I ask, Denny, how do you feel about gun control?
Denny: For Communists.
Congressman Jacobs: What about banning assault weapons in the private sector?
Denny: As soon as you say it's OK to ban assault weapons, my friend, even in the private sector, you make it easier to take guns away from hunting, then personal protection. Soon the military and the police are without firearms.
Denny: When God strips you of your talent, He should at least have the decency to strip away the memory of having had it.
Alan: My New Year's resolution...is to appreciate my friends every day and catch more fish.
Catherine: [to Alan] Thank you. Baretta said that to his attorney. It brought him luck.
Prosecutor: Law and order isn't simply something on television four nights a week.
Denny: I still am Denny Crane.
Denny: I wish I was never great...because I remember.
Denny: I can't be sure, but in the middle I think I actually felt smoke coming out my ass.
Alan: Catherine, may I ask why would you seek to befriend this man?
Catherine: Well, I felt at his core he wasn't evil. I also thought I could help him by introducing him to Jesus Christ, our Savior.
Alan: Was he open to that?
Catherine: Not terribly. He thought it would make him look like a bad Jew.
Denny: I heard about Tara. I feel you're hurt.
Alan: What's most upsetting, Denny, is I don't hurt.
Denny: So I don't have to hug ya and tell ya I'm there for ya and all that crap.
Alan: We can skip it.
Congressman Jacobs: Raymond Jacobs, you handled my first divorce 15 years ago. My wife's name was Lois.
Denny: I remember.
Congressman Jacobs: Why wouldn't ya. You slept with her.
Denny: Only after the divorce was final.

Men to Boys [2.05]

Denny: I've often found that it's the chubby girls who offend most easily.
Denny: She's always ogling me.
Shirley: Yes, putting reality aside...
Denny: I have nothing against marriage. I've done it five times.
Denny: I actually begin my dates by putting cash right on the table.
Alan: And that works?
Denny: With the hookers.
Denny: I'll take a friend over a wife every time.
Shirley: [to Denny] Did you tell Lori you liked chubby sex?
Denny: I meant it as a compliment!
Denny: Don't talk about the environment. It's too political and half the people are against you.
Alan: Half the people are against the environment?
Cassie: [to Garrett] I screw. I just don't date.
Alan: Why is that so important to everyone, maintaining integrity?
Denny: First of all, I haven't had sex with a camel since I was in the Army. And the camel never complained.
Catherine: Alan, I've been Schmidt-canned!

Witches of Mass Destruction [2.06]

Judge Resnick: Halloween is a secular holiday. More importantly, it's a silly holiday...I advise both parties to lighten up.
Alan: We have no strategy for getting out. We, as a nation, are in denial. [Cassie] is in this courtroom, honoring one dead soldier. That's a start.
Shirley: Who decides when it's OK to make fun of a religion?
Army recruiter: [on the witness stand] We're at war. We need soldiers.
Denny: [to Alan] I don't want to look at you right now.
Cassie: I don't want to have sex with you anymore. [pauses] So there we are.
Garrett: There we are.
Denny: Drop the case, do it now... I'm directing you. Drop it.
Alan: No.
Denny: Most of the Cranes in my family were flamingos.
Alan: What are you thinking about? It's not a trick question.
Denny: Can't I have a solitary, pensive moment? Keep a thought to myself?
Alan: Ha, ha... You forgot what you were thinking.
Sam Sawtell: We don't do hexes! [punches Bob Matthias in the mouth] We do throw punches, occasionally.
Denny: I prefer to be alone. Please leave.
Alan: Why?
Denny: No reason.
Alan: If you were to guess at a reason?
Denny: If I were to guess, I'd say maybe I don't want to socialize with a pinko liberal Democrat commie.
Alan: Ahh.
Denny: Alan, I've loved you like a...
Alan: Sister?
Denny: We're Americans. And to be critical in a time of war...even the Democrats are smart enough to keep their mouths shut on this.
Brad: Don't you two have anything else to do?
Garrett: We're discussing a case, sir.
Brad: It's not a case. It's an abuse of the judicial process.
Garrett: Yes, we're discussing that.
Brad: Do you know your briefcase is smoking?
Alan: This is the season, Brad. Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble and so forth.
Brad: This is a law firm.
Alan: Thank you for that.

Truly, Madly, Deeply [2.07]

Paul: You shot out your client's kneecap!
Alan: I squeezed a clown's nose today.
Denny: Good for you!
Denny: Hope you die. Denny Crane.
Denny: Hey kid, front and center. I bet you'd lick my shoes for a murder case, wouldn't you?
Garrett: Oh, I would, sir.
Denny: Because I like you, you don't have to lick them. Just dust them with your sleeve.
Denny: Indigent are poor. Hate the poor. Can't pay.
Denny: It's fun being me. Is it fun being you?
Alan: Most of the time actually.
Denny: Then what else is there?
Alan: Indeed.
Alan: What would you do as mayor of Boston?
Denny: Oh, I don't know, attack Rhode Island. Small.
Brad: You need to stand up and deliver this closing.
Alan: Will the clown be there?
Denny: [to Judge Harvey Cooper[ You're a douchebag. I don't do well with douchebags.
Melissa: [to Alan] I will not be objectified...
Brad: [to Alan] I told you to interview.
Dwight Biddle: It's Bumpy, isn't it? I had such a crush on that cow. It doesn't mean I'm gay.
Dwight Biddle: We became very close.
Shirley: You strayed with livestock?
Dwight Biddle: It's not what you think. It was all very loving.

The Ass Fat Jungle [2.08]

Melissa: You're a really weird man, aren't you?
Alan: Seems so.
Dr. Glouberman: I would never do anything to harm a patient. My fat, Denise, it's the good stuff.
Melissa: I will make sure you don't wig out and that's it.
Alan: I'm not sure the term 'wig out' has legal teeth.
Melissa: Mmm, but it is extremely xeroxable for all the partners' windshields.
Dr. Glouberman: She's a vicious, spiteful, treacherous pig. That's what she is.
Denise: I'm not going to lead with that.
Denny: Because we're friends, I'm gonna tell you something nobody else knows. I'm homophobic.
Alan: [deadpan] I'm stunned.
Denny: Thank you, Alan, for coming with me.
Alan: I think friends should always encourage friends to get their heads examined.

Gone [2.09]

Gracie Jane: Gracie Jane.
Denny: Denny Crane.
Gracie Jane: Gracie Jane.
Denny: Are you making fun of me?
Denny: Here's a little secret. I know things. Don't tell.
Alan: That secret seems unbelievably safe.
Gracie Jane: [referring to the poor in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina] Maybe they couldn't get out. Maybe they thought the federal government might rescue them or, failing that, give a damn.
Denny: How stupid is that?
Alan: You and Jane Fonda?
Denny: Lest we forget Barbarella. Then she turned on me. Went red. They caught her in one of those communist bitch hunts.
Alan: I think you mean witch hunts.
Denny: No, I'm right on this one.
Alan: Denny, I could be wrong, but you might want to think about settling this.
Denny: You're absolutely right. You could be wrong.
Shirley: I always say two things. One is, everything you do reflects of Crane, Poole, and Schmidt. What is the other?
Denise Bauer: You're Schmidt.
Denny: [to Alan] We're friends -- and we're sleeping together!
Denise: [to Garrett] I could kiss you -- but I won't.
Shirley: [to Denise and Brad] We are lawyers. We sue people. We do not abduct.
Brad: Shock and awe, boys, shock and awe.
Denise: [eyes locked with Garrett] Garrett, I need you...to do some research.
Denny: Here's what you need to know about the practice of law. It all comes down to money.
Denny: You, kid.
Garrett: Yes. sir.
Denny: Fix my tie. [to Sara] You, you know my name?
Sara: Yes, sir.
Denny: Good. Maybe someday I'll learn yours.
Denny: Seriously, do I act like I'm the only one in the room?
Alan: Denny, one of the things I love about you is when we talk, often it's as if you're not even in the room.
Alan: You know, we have a saying in Massachusetts. "Maybe someday you'll get horribly sick and die." Until then.
Denny: What are you doing in my office?
Paul: This is my office, Denny.
Denny: Oh, that must mean I've come to see you...why?
Denny: Denny Crane. My poop doesn't smell. Comes out in pretty colors, pastels. Denny Crane.
Frank: You attacked a man, cutting off his fingers. As someone who took an oath to uphold the law, yes, I take that personally.
Brad: Good sound bite, Frank. Might want to save it for the cameras.
Denny: [to Shirley] It's not nice to talk about crazy people behind their backs.
Denny: [to Judge Brown] Judge, you're old. I'm old. Lock and load before we're dead.
Melissa: That was the single sexiest thing I've ever seen a man do.
Alan: You should see me do it naked.
Alan: The credit card industry is a pack of hyenas crunching on the bones of the poor.
Denny: With juries, it always comes down to simple. There's nobody simpler than me.
Melissa: How's my hair? Does my hair work?
Alan: It does appear to grow each month.
Shirley: [to Father Ryan] Do I dare ask where those three fingers have been prior to my client chopping them off?
Father Ryan: That's a cheap shot.
Shirley: I've been known to take them.
Denny: I have an erection... Let the trial begin. I'm ready.
Denny: Denny Crane.
Shirley: That is not a legal defense.
Denny: With all that's going on in the world these days, who among us hasn't wanted to take an axe to a priest?
Denny: Think we’ll ever see the day when the defense lawyer will be legally permitted to shoot the defendant?
Alan: We seem to be making progress.
Denny: Denny Crane. I’ll be your attorney.[imitating to shoot somebody]

The Cancer Man Can [2.11]

Alan: Jerry, you know I have a tremendous affection for my own intelligence, and even I think you are smarter than me.
Jerry Espenson: Oh, I am.
Beverly: Nice night.
[Denny turns and looks at her]
Denny: Suddenly it is.
Denise: The rich are different from you and me.
Paul: Certainly from you.
Denny: What the hell kinda charity is 'Children's Group'?
Shirley: We're teaching children to read.
Denise: No, we're buying them food.
Alan: I thought we were providing them with old people to play with.
[After Denny has sex on the desk in his office without dropping all the blinds on the storefront windows]
Shirley: This is unprofessional, Denny. You are setting a very bad example for the rest of the firm.
Denny: Understood. And, from now on, in this office, those blinds go down before anybody else does.
Denny: Mmmm! Everyone, this is the cake I want for my birthday.

Helping Hands [2.12]

Bev: And why did you screw him?
Shirley: I lost a bet.
Shirley: But understand that everyone at this firm is considered a witness. Don't expect anyone at this firm to help you -- OR speak to you.
Alan: And won't that make for a refreshing change.
Denny: So, do you like her yet? You promised.
Alan: I did. And I do.
Denny: I thought you would. She has many fine qualities.
Alan: She makes my friend smile. That's the only quality that matters.
Denny: Alan, Bev is the woman I've always dreamed of. An angel in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen.
Alan: I think it's the other way around.
Denny: Not last night.
Denny: [to Paul] I left Bev on simmer. She should be coming to a boil rather nicely now.
Denise: Have you ever actually tried a case?
Daniel Post: No, but I've always wanted to. Think of it as the Make-A-Wish foundation granting a dying kid his fantasies...if that kid were a rich guy in his forties.
Alan: And good for you, you've enlisted the one prosecutor who's running for D.A. next year. Tell me, how big was your campaign contribution? And is there a matching fund here at the firm we can all go in on?
Shirley: It was sizeable, and speak to Kim in accounting.

Too Much Information [2.13]

Store Owner: Do you know how many times I have been held up this year?
Alan: Far too many to appreciate her little prank, I'm sure... May I ask if that's your car out front, the Datsun with the dents in the side?
Store Owner: Yeah...
Alan: I have a friend who... has a friend, he's a magician with body work. He'll make those dents disappear, change the color, he'll make that Datsun look exactly like a late model BMW.
Store Owner: Can he...make the seats look like...leather?
Alan: The man's a miracle worker!
Alan: So how are you doing?
Denise: Fine.
Alan: I have a rabbi friend with a small gambling problem who, when he hears someone say they're fine, he always asks again until they say something--other than 'fine.' So, how are you doing?
Alan: I always feel slightly sick to my stomach when I work alone in the office late at night.
Denise: I thought you liked being alone.
Alan: Oh, I love being alone. I just prefer to be alone when there's other people around.
Alan: [to Denny] Ah, there you are. I've hardly seen you this episode.

Breast in Show [2.14]

Garrett: I want you out of my office! I'm an attorney, I graduated top of my class at Suffolk University Law School, I passed the Bar Exam the very first try, AND I was recruited by the best firms.
Catherine: I killed a man.
Alan: I didn't see you on the balcony the other night.
Denny: Bev and I had something to do...then we did it again.
Shirley: [looking around the courtroom] The District Attorney's here.
Alan: Scott Bodner. Politicians are drawn to cameras like flies are drawn to...
Shirley: Politicians.
Shirley: If I agree to help you, one condition. I assume during the course of this case 'breasts' will be referred to in many colorful ways.
Alan: One would hope.
Shirley: Personally, however, I don't ever want to hear them referred to as 'hooters'. I hate that word. Oh, and this is a little off-topic, but I hate the word 'underpants', too.
Alan: If I can have your breasts, I promise not to say 'hooters'.
Shirley: Thank you, Alan.
Alan: Now, as for underpants, if you promise not to wear an...
Shirley: [interrupting] Goodbye, Alan.
Denny: Daniel!
Daniel: Denny!
Denny: Lookin' good.
Daniel: Thank you. You wanna come to my funeral?
Denny: Oh, funerals are sad.
Daniel: Well, this one'll be fun.
Denny: Count me in!
Daniel: Tomorrow night.
Denny: No can do, busy... Rain check?
Daniel: [pauses] ...Absolutely.
Denny: [nods to Denise] He's a keeper! [walks off]
Daniel: Denny's great.
Denise: Yep.
Daniel: He doesn't hear a thing anyone says, does he?
Denise: Nope.
Garrett: This is my office.
Catherine: Oh, I needed a base of operations for my sandwich cart business.
Garrett: But... I...
Catherine: You're a first year, right? [Garrett nods yes] Well, it goes like this: named partner, senior partner, junior partner, senior associates, sandwich lady, xerox guy, janitor, first years.
Denny: I heard there were two hundred women, that's four hundred breasts, and you kept them all to yourself!
Alan: Oh, look, it's me!
Denny: I can see that. You were there, in a sea of breasts, and you didn't invite me!
[at a public bare-breasted protest]
Alan: Oddly, this was one of my fantasies... And the chilly weather is certainly an added bonus.
Alan: I need your boobs.
Shirley: OK...but have them home by 11.

Smile [2.15]

Alan: I suppose coming to a lawyer's office can't be much fun.
Marissa: Actually, everyone seems friendly here.
Alan: Well, they're given an unlimited supply of donuts.
Phyliss: I had a hard time trying to find you. I called Cruthers, Abbott…
Alan: Oh, I was fired. Embezzlement.
Phyliss: Then I tried Young, Frutt and Berultti.
Alan: Oh, yes. That ended badly.
Phyliss: And here you are at Crane, Poole and Schmidt.
Alan: For now.
Phyliss: I need your help. You always said I could come to you for anything.
Alan: I meant sexually.
Denny Crane: Brad's the best. I just made him partner.
Bev: Denny, I want reassurance.
Denny Crane: The man served in the Gulf War. The one that turned out okay. He was top of his class at West Point and Harvard Law School. I'd put my own life in his hands.
Shirley: Denise, I understand you're going through some difficulties in your personal life.
Denise: It's hard, but I'll get through it.
Shirley: From what I know about you, when things get tough you prefer to bury yourself in your work. Allow me to provide you with a shovel.
Denny Crane: Bev will be happy which makes me happy, which makes you happy. So really, Brad, you're doing this to make you happy.
Alan Shore: Let me tell you two things about myself. I too am a lawyer, I can be painfully vindictive, and I do not play fair.
Lester Tremont: That's three things.
Alan Shore: See? Not playing fair already. And I'm just getting started.
Dr James Tusten: Catholic hospitals are free to interpret sections of the Ethical and Religious Directive liberally or conservatively. St Mary's takes a very strict application of Catholic teachings. That's why I chose to work there.
Shirley: I see. Tell me, Dr Tusten, do you have a set schedule at the ER?
Dr James Tusten: Of course.
Shirley: But that puts you squarely on the job during the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 states that those who work on the Sabbath should be put to death.
Atty Morrison: Nevertheless, the court awarded Mr Bridge joint custody of Barry.
Judge Willard Reese: The cat's name is Barry Manilow?
Alan: Denny, I refuse to shoot you.
Denny Crane: You... Democrat! Protesting war and banning guns. If you Nancys had your way, nobody would ever shoot anybody! And then where would we be?
Alan: Where would we be...

Live Big [2.16]

...There's Fire! [2.17]

Denny: I wonder if sometimes I get married just to have someone listen to my stories again.
Alan: Not a terrible reason.
Denny: You never talk about your wife. What was she like?
Alan: She had all the most delectable qualities one could hope for. Creativity, desire, zealotry, a gorgeous clavicle, healthy lack of inhibition.
Denny: Sounds spectacular. What happened?
Alan: She began...to know me too well and I began to hate her for it. Even when I was unpredictable, she'd predict it. For those of us who aspire to be original, it's the worst sort of banality. She died. I've missed that banality ever since.
Bev: Denny? I love you. But, I love Hawaii more.
Denny: Well, you'll be the one that got away from Denny Crane. That makes you a large fish in a very small pond.
Denny: While everyone was whining about Bev, you were actually trying to take her out. I admire that. You have very large testicles, my friend.
Brad: Well. Thank you Denny, I'm flattered you have that opinion of me.
Denny: It's not my opinion. I saw you in the shower at the gym. Good God!
Alan: Congratulations. I saw you were the lucky one who caught Bev's garter.
Paul: Yes. I'm going for a full battery of tests first thing in the morning.
Paul: You had sex with another woman and your wife in the three hours you were married?
Denny: It was my special day. I had taken my little blue pill.
Shirley: There is no cure for cancer, but we've got three pills for that.
Shirley: White roses, gold leaf cake, Bev's boobs swimming out of her wedding dress.
Brad: Who said money can't buy tastelessness?
Alan: I think Bev and Denny did a lovely job.
Paul: 11 marriages between the two of them. They've had plenty of practice.
Alan: …You're not losing an Alan, you're gaining a Bev, the girl of your recent dreams.
Denny: Alan, you're my best friend. If you want, you can dream about her, too.
Alan: Denny, you're generous to a fault.
Denny Crane: Ahhh. I wish you and I were getting married. That's you and I. Both of us. To others. I'm not gay.
Alan: I heard you the first Freudian slip.
Alan: Why'd he fire you?
Joan Zeder: Well, one day, six weeks ago, he brings us all in for a staff meeting. And he says, “Due to the spiraling costs of health care insurance, all smokers have exactly six weeks to quit. At which point I'll test their system for nicotine and if you fail the urine test, then you'll be terminated.” Fired! Friggin' health Nazi. You know, I got rent to pay. And of course, I tried to quit. You know, I wanted to! I did the patch and I did that little nicotine sucky thing, you know, but the more I imagined losing my job the more I panicked. And the more I panicked, the more I smoked. Now I'm up to three packs a day. And today was the day, he made me pee in a cup and then he fired me!
Alan: Well, unless that's some kind of sex game with your lover, I find it appalling and we won't let him do it.
Denny Crane: Brad. Mr Granger chuckles. There'll be no divorce.
Eli Granger: I beg your pardon?
Denny Crane: Bev and I had an agreement. When we first got together she told me that I could sleep with whomever I wanted. Delmonico's Restaurant. January 14th. Happiest night of my life. So I had sex with another woman. Or a Navy Burberry. Not sure which. But the point is, she granted me the right to tomcat and I exercised that right. No divorce.
Alan: I have a similar bit of wisdom I like to share. We can do this my way or another way that will have you writing a very large check and crying like a baby.
Paul: Doing nothing is what I'll regret most. I have devoted my life to keeping this firm an outstanding institution. Now, in the twilight of my career, this, this mess could destroy my reputation. All because Denny cannot control his aged groin.
Denny Crane: Thank you, Brad, for telling me that. It couldn't have been easy. You're fired.
Brad Chase: What?
Denny Crane: Name on the door. See ya.
[Brad walks out and runs into Shirley]
Brad Chase: He fired me. I'm a partner! He fired me.
Shirley: Brad. The review committee will take care of this. He can't just fire you without consulting the partners!
Brad Chase: Of course he can. He's Denny Crane. His name's on the door. If he wants me gone, I'm gone.
Denny Crane: That may be, but still...
Shirley: So help me, if you say “It's still your name on the door”, I will shoot you with one of your own guns.
Denny Crane: Won't change the door...
Shirley: Denny. You cheated on your wife at your own wedding reception in what has become some sort of cloakroom fetish-that is a new low, even for you.
Denny Crane: Yeah. It is, isn't it?
Alan Shore: Mr Lumis, how do you feel about fat people? Because according to the Surgeon General three hundred thousand Americans die every year from obesity-related illnesses.
Kurt Lumis: Other businesses are firing people for that. I haven't done it yet.
Alan Shore: So you're thinking about it?
Kurt Lumis: I'm always thinking.
Alan Shore: Anyone can see that. How about alcohol consumption? People who have more than fifteen drinks a week are at risk of becoming alcoholics and alcoholism can cause cirrhosis of the liver, pancreatitis, increased incidents of cancer. Wouldn't it be a good idea to monitor your employee's alcohol intake?
Kurt Lumis: Maybe I should.
Alan Shore: What about coffee? Caffeine temporarily raises your blood pressure. Trans-fatty acids! And stress! Both of these things could cause heart attacks. That would certainly raise your premiums sky high. It's been proven arguing thirty minutes a day lowers your immune system. As does loneliness, there go your married employees and your single ones! You're going to have to watch these people all the time, Mr Lumis. I hope you're multitasked.
Kurt Lumis: Mr Shore, I think you're exaggerating.
Alan Shore: No. I'm just welcoming us all to 1984-the bus arrived a little late, and our tour guide George Orwell is good and dead. But nonetheless, we made it. And big brother Lumis is watching us.

Shock and Oww! [2.18]

Denny Crane: Well. Are the rumors true? You have naked photos of Shirley? Awww, come on! What's the big deal? I've had naked photos of Shirley for years. [pulls out a stack of pictures to show Alan]
Alan: Denny? She's asleep in all of these.
Denny Crane: [Denny hands him another photo] Here's one where she woke up. Have you ever seen a beautiful naked woman look that angry?
Denny Crane: It's no use, Alan. Nothing interests me anymore.
Reporter on TV: Construction worker Russell Blayney arrested for attempted murder for setting a bobby trap in his home to catch burglars. Miguel Quinones allegedly broke into Blayney's house and received a reported fifty thousand volts of electricity through his body, paralyzing him from the waist down. And leaving us all with the question: Russell Blayney: Victim or Vigilante?
Denny Crane: That case! I want that case.
Denny Crane: So? Who would you rather have as your attorney? Me? Or Hacky McGuilty Verdict here?
Warren Peter: I've faced him before. You'd rather have him.
Denny Crane: Don't feel bad, son. It takes a big man to recognize a bigger man.
Denny Crane: Don't like that kind of thinking. Defense of self. You gotta strike first. Pre-empt 'em. What they say in the news? Victim or vigilante? It's neither. This is Russell Blayney, hero!
'Denise: You wanna try this case in the press?
Denny Crane: Exactly. I wanna grab the public's attention. The story. Character. Narrative. We have to create our own reality. You! Young punk. You must know computers. Set up a website, one of those blobs. Justice for Russell Blayney! And you, Denise, you'll be my second. You look good on camera.
Denny Crane: Ah, Denise. Rodney King?
Denise: Rodney King. Uh, severely beaten by the police over ten years ago.
Denny Crane: See? You remember. Why? Branding! They didn't call him Rodney King: wifebeater, alcohol abuser, who swung a tire iron at a convenience store clerk. They called him Rodney King: a motorist, a motorist: Rodney King. Brings to mind images of a jaunty man riding hat in cap in a Model-T. That's what we want. Russell Blayney: American Homeowner. Not Russell Blayney: eats them broiled, baked or fried.

Stick It [2.19]

Agent Joseph Reynolds: This woman is under arrest for evasion of Federal income taxes.
[Alan stares at Melissa]
Melissa: Ooopsie.
Judge Sanders: Ten A.M. tomorrow. And I would ask Counsel to check his sense of humor at the door. My courtroom is a temple of decorum. And I do not tolerate jibber-jabber.
Shirley: You slept with him!
Denise: Did not!
Shirley: You slept with him!
Denise: Did not!
Shirley: You slept with him!
Denise: Well, maybe a little bit.
Alan: You know what I miss most about our country, Denny? Not the loss of our civil rights so much as our compassion, our soul, our humanity.
Denny Crane: Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Soul, that's a religious thing. State... church... it's unconstitutional for the United States to have a soul.
Alan: Apparently. We seem to be becoming a mean people. Learned Hand once said, "Liberty lies in our hearts, and once it dies there, no constitution can save it."
Denny Crane: Just once, I wish you'd quote a Republican.
Alan Shore: "I want a kinder and gentler nation."

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang [2.20]

Denny: So whose ass did you have kicked?
Alan: Someone whose ass thoroughly deserved it.
Denny: Good! I can never understand why people don't use violence more often to solve their problems. Works every time.

Word Salad Days [2.21]

Denny: I'm going to take you to my spa. I'm going to empty your bucket.
Brad: Okay. We're required to turn this over to Ms. Beller and, per the rules of discovery, we'll provide it with the other one hundred thousand pages of documents that pertain to their production request.
Chris Mott: So you're going to bury it.
Brad: No, that would be unethical. We'll simply comply… fully.
Alan: Your Honor, I refer you to plaintiff's exhibit number apple.
Eric: I beg your pardon?
Alan: Apple trash can is picked from God.
Eric: Huh?
Judge Willard: Mr Shore!
Alan: Not the years sixty when classic electrons are free.
Eric: Objection! I think.
Judge Willard: Mr Shore, you have a notorious history of courtroom theatrics. If your aim is to force a mistrial, you will be disappointed.
Alan: [emphatically] Pillow pants join forces over embargo pylons. You aren't sailing past honor for the liking of a room. These questions are birthday basements. To end the blue radish in the upside of luxury and sparking a good lizard can only make tears fall in hindsight. Puddles do not ask for why not? It is cheese! Breath and wind. It is cheese. [sits down, spent and furious, then looks up at everyone and feigns nonchalance] What?

Ivan the Incorrigible [2.22]

Alan: There's a reason Shakespeare and many after him said 'First kill all the lawyers.' They're talking about people like me, Jerry, not you.
Denny: Alan you know the one thing we sometimes forget is no matter how hard your day, no matter how tough your choices were, how complex your ethical decisions...you always get to choose what you want for lunch.
Alan: Daily I am amazed at your inexhaustable ability to just live.
Denny: It's either that or die.
Denny: I hear you misplaced a client.
Alan: Not really. Like car keys and sunglasses, he'll show up somewhere.
Denny: I misplaced a client once.
Alan: Did they ever find him?
Denny: No, I made sure to ship him off to some country with no extradition. Practically a deserted island off the coast of South America. He sends me Feliz Cumpleanos cards every year.
Alan: That's thoughtful. Sounds like paradise actually. Living on an island. A much simpler life.
Denny: Especially if it's an island where the natives run around the beach with their boobies hanging out.
Denny: Does that mean you're back on the market?
Shirley: Denny, as far you're concerned I'm always on the market.
Denny: We know we don't deserve Shirley Schmidt. Just the possibility is enough to sustain us.
Shirley: You are a dear, sweet man. And I have something else that might sustain you. [whispers into his ear] Denny Crane.
Alan: There's no doubt in my mind that you could develop into a first rate criminal defender, Jerry. But my hope is that you don't. Even at your relatively mature age you're still innocent.
Jerry: Except when I held a knife to Shirley's throat.
Ivan: So basically if I screw around she gets my life.
Shirley: Not your whole life, just the parts you love.
Brad: [to Denise] So let me ask you this: in Italian does the word 'vagina' mean something else?
Ivan: I brought wine, cheese, and condoms. I thought we'd picnic.
Shirley: Missy came to my office today.
Ivan: Aw. So just the wine and cheese.
ADA Kupfer: You know if the US really wanted to torture detainees, they'd sentence them to be you for a day. I imagine it's excruciating.
Alan: You have no idea.

Race Ipsa [2.23]

Dr. Field: I didn't shoot before Denny, but I will this time. I really will.
Denny: Sydney, I took you out once. Don't make me do it again.
Dr. Field: With what?
Denny: This! [takes out his gun and fires]
Alan: You said you'd never so much as look at a gun again.
Denny: I never said I wouldn't shoot one.
Judge Sanders: I've had enough of all this! Mr. Crane, you had no excuse to be carrying a gun.
Denny: (To Judge Sanders) Second Amendment! Founding Fathers! You probably knew them.
Judge Sanders: Jibber Jabber!

(After Dr. Field pulls out a gun)

Judge Sanders: What is this jibber jabber?
Alan: That wouldn't be jibber jabber, Your Honor, that's a gun.
Denny: Canada, Japan, England. Any number of those pinko countries, I'd be in jail for shooting somebody.
Alan: God bless America.
Brad: I was wondering if I could join you and Denny on the balcony sometime. Just trying to diversify my life with some male bonding and I was wondering...you know.
Alan: Brad, any gathering of three or more men always seems like a team to me, and I've never been much of a team player, so if you're going to show count me out. [pauses] Was there something specific you'd like to talk about?
Brad: Are you a good kisser?
Judge Robert Sanders: I've had enough of all this. Mr. Crane, you've had no excuse to be carrying a gun.
Denny: 2nd Amendment. Founding Fathers. You probably knew them.
Melissa: Don't fall for her, Alan. She's just a guest star.
Chelina: God, the last time I saw you...
Alan: I believe it was a Sunday. Then I was taken off the air, you went off to do movies, I got switched to Tuesdays and...
Chelina: Here we are...with old footage.
Judge Sanders: (to Alan) I think I have enough probable cause, Mr. Shoup. The victim is in the hospital.
Alan: Actually, your honor, since our last get together, I've changed my name from Shoup to Shore. I figured since it's on my birth certificate and driver's license, not to mention the pleadings before you, though I never expect you to read the pleadings because of their (with Judge Sanders) Jibber Jabber.

Deep End of the Poole [2.24]

Vivian: Did you see the calorie count? Were you able to perform basic math?
Phil: I was addicted, Thin Mint!
Shirley: All right...
Vivian: Let the record reflect that he called me FOOD - a cookie, no less.
Judge Sanders: Mr. Shore! The court instructed you not to poop!
A.D.A. Kupfer: Mr. Shore, I hope one day to speak at your funeral.
Denny: Are we setting a bad example? I shoot people.
Alan: I bribe them.
Denny: We drink.
Alan: We smoke.
Denny: I'm unfaithful.
Alan: Not to me.
Denny: Never to you.
Alan: We're not setting examples. We're just being true to who we are.
Denny: Who are we?
Alan: Denny Crane.
Denny: Alan Shore.
Alan: Leaders of men.
Denny: With bull's eyes on our asses.
[Talking about Alan at the hearing]
Denny: Yes your honor, he gets me off, I get him off.
Alan: We're flamingos.
Denny: Don't ask, don't tell.
Denny: (To Alan) I don't think I've ever seen you this nervous, except for night terrors, clowns and word salad.
Denny: (Closing Argument) Who the hell are we kidding? Defense Attorneys make their living helping their clients get away with murder. We put rapists back on the streets knowing they're gonna rape again. Let's not pretend that we don't aid and abet crime. But the key is: Make sure we cover our asses. Defense attorneys do that better than anybody. Now, Alan Shore covered his. He knew he couldn't legally advise Mr. Mkeba to run, and he expressly told him he couldn't give him such advice. Did Mr. Mkeba get the message anyway? Sure, but technically, Alan Shore didn't break the law. Ass covered, over and out. Not guilty, simple as that. Oh, and here's another thing about asses: (Turns to District Attorney Kupfer) Not you, we'll get to you in a second. If you have a lot of success against the D.A.'s office, and Alan Shore's had a lot. Especially against this putz, beats him every time.
Kupfer: Objection.
Judge Sanders: Sustained. Mr. Crane.
Denny: I'm sorry, Your Honor. Too much success, and eventually, you get a giant bullseye painted on your bottom. (Pulls down pants, revealing bullseye painted on his boxers)
Kupfer: Objection!
Judge Sanders: Sustained! Mr. Crane!
Denny: I'm just trying to make a point, your honor. (To jury) Alan Shore, was the target. He has a bigger bullseye on his ass than I have on mine. And this man, Douglas Kupfer, is aiming for it! He said he wanted to stab him. That's subtle. There's a vendetta. He wants my client, anyway he can get him, and that's the only reason we're here. Reasonable doubt? You all know that. Last name Crane. First name Denny. Not Guilty! Over and out.
Judge Sanders: Silence! Mr. Shore, you are the defendent! I don't want to hear another poop out of you! How do you plea?
Alan: Not guilty by reason of the District Attorney's insanity.
Judge Sanders: Alright, we'll set-That's not a real plea!
Alan: Not guilty then.

Squid Pro Quo [2.25]

Dr Harati Waibi: Even though it's legal in Nepal, our clinic made the decision not to in order to receive US funding. However, we hung up a poster that said, “We Believe That A Woman Has A Right To Control Her Own Body.”
Denny Crane: Objection - misleading. Women can't control their bodies. They're either menstruating or lactating.
Denny Crane: This is completely disrespectful. You don't come home to papa by suing his government.
Donny Crane: Someone has to, Dad. Our policy is denying thousands of people life-saving medical care, based on the personal religious views of our leader. Nothing says democracy like imperialism.
Denny Crane: Why can't you for once come to town and we just toss the pigskin? That's American.
Derek Roth: Now, anytime someone tries to Google my name or my company, Roth's Plumbing Supplies, instead of finding my website, yours is the first site that comes up. My sales have dropped forty percent since that posting!
Denny Crane: Alright. What are we doing in Mexico?
Paul Schwimmer: That's where President Reagan first enacted the policy in 1984. He enacted it as a reaction to forced abortions in China as a means of population control.
Denny Crane: Chinese, Mexican… [to jury] Who's getting hungry?
Donny Crane: So don't you find it curious that in our Administration's quest to stop abortion, we're actually restricting free speech which is a hallmark of democracy?
Denny Crane: Objection. Irrelevant and unpatriotic.
Derek Roth: And she said I have no sense of humor. I make jokes all the time.
Atty John Lenox: Those aren't jokes. They're puns and puns aren't funny.
Derek Roth: Well, that's just your o-opunion.
Denise Bauer: Oh, good Lord.

Spring Fever [2.26]

Alan: It's spring...I'm in heat.

BL: Los Angeles [2.27]

Denny: Shirley, this is a sweeps episode.
Shirley: I'm not kissing you.
Alan: To next season, my friend.
Denny: Same night?
Alan: God, I hope.
Daniel: [Discussing his cancer treatment with Denise] You wouldn't have wanted to see me. I was at least 7% less cute.
Alan: There used to be a day when the pandering in our society was reserved for…
Denny: Politicians?
Alan: [laughs] Maybe that's what bothers me. Hollywood has sunk to the level of Congress.
Alan: To more travels, Denny.
Denny: To the mountains…
Alan: Prairies…
Denny: Whores…
Alan: America the beautiful.
Courtney: Mr Crane? I need you to stop staring at me like that.
Denny Crane: Of course. Marry me.
Courtney: I beg your pardon?
Denny Crane: Your fifteen minutes are almost up. Mine has lasted a lifetime. [to Barry] Tell her.
Barry: Marry him.

Season 3

Can't We All Get a Lung? [3.01]

Denny: [to Alan] What do you mean she's measuring you for trousers? Is that some kind of fetish? Would I like it?
Marlene: You missed your ten o'clock.
Alan: Um, something came up.
Marlene: Something was supposed to come up, at the closet, at ten o'clock.
Alan: I've got a few minutes now if you'd like to go somewhere and... grab a bite.
Alan: [Referring to Jerry's legal problems and infatuation with a doll] I've got to get him help. My God, if you saw the way he hugged her.
Denny: Is she cute?
Alan: Denny, its a doll.
Denny: Oh, come on, don't tell me you've never gone to town with a doll.
Alan: [laughs] No, as a matter of fact. [pause] Have you?
[longer pause]
Alan: Denny...
Denny: Well, not just any doll. Well, I mean I'm not... ah, what's the word?
Alan: Peculiar?
Denny: But I suppose I've been with... a special doll.
Alan: Would I like her?
Denny: You want to meet her?
Denny: [to Alan] Here's the thing about rich people Alan - we get whatever we want.
Marlene: Brad, did you hear? Denise is getting married.
Brad: [to Denise] Really?
Denise: I was going to tell you.
Marlene: Sometimes it's easier to hear it from a third party.
[Denise attempts to hit Marlene, but she ducks as Denise's arm flies past]
Marlene: [emotionless] That could've hit me.
Marlene: Denise.
Denise: Marlene.
Marlene: I hear you're getting married.
Denise: I am.
Marlene: Congratulations. It must be a relief to have some financial security. Does Buzz know?
Denise: Buzz?
Marlene: Buzz Lightyear. Isn't that the nickname for the Ken-doll with benefits?
Denise: Marlene, I'm finding it extremely difficult not to assault you right now.
Marlene: [deadpan] Oh, I'm sorry. Am I being too familiar? I thought we were girlfriends. I was hoping the relationship wouldn't change when I made partner and you didn't but I guess it has. Oh well.
[after Melissa catches Marlene having sex with Alan]
Marlene: If you like to watch... I'm okay with that.
[Melissa walks in on Alan and Marlene having sex in the photocopying room]
Alan: We're developing pictures.
Marlene: We're photography buffs.
Officer: [to Jerry] Mr Espenson, you were driving in the car pool lane. That lane's reserved for vehicles with two or more passengers. Sir, that is not a person in your passenger seat. [points to the plastic doll in the car]

New Kids on the Block [3.02]

Brad: [about Judge Hooper] So how can such a little bald man like that end up with such a beautiful wife?
Jeffrey: Standing real close. It's okay. I'm a personal guy myself. As a matter of fact, I like to talk to people directly and not read their reports. That is why I went to see the corner. Chatty little fella. Okay, that's a little too close now.
Jonathan Winant: Here's the deal.
Jefrey: I love deals!
Jonathan Winant: ... ... Do I make myself clear?
Jeffrey: You do. And if you think I've broken the law, arrest me. And insist on it. You're staring. That's cause you can't think of anything to say or Richmond told you that works. You know, when my mind goes blank, I just like to go with my old standby which is, of course,' Go screw yourself. Do I need to include instructions with that?' Everybody gives me the look.
Alan: Hello.
Claire: I know who you are. You're a little horny toad. Horny toads give me warts. Hop away, horny toad.
Alan: Shirley, as lovely as the new case you sent me is and she is delightful. I just had Jerry Espenson last week, I need a break from this sort of thing.
Shirley: I'll get the new girl to help, she knows employment law.
Alan: You can't just assign me cases and girls. Girls, maybe.
Jeffrey: I assured him the police never arrest innocent people. Just doesn't happen. I'm sure you in particular are never wrong.
Cop: I thought you came down here to cooperate?
Jeffrey: You killed the moment.
Cop: I can officially detain him.
Jeffrey: In which case he officially asks for he's lawyer and you can't talk to him. What is this? Good cop bad cop? If so, send in the good cop!
Cop: [Stare]
Jeffrey: That's quite a look.
Jeffrey: Small point. Mr Little here is a witness. Your questions seems to suggest he's a suspect. Maybe it's just me. You might try asking whether there were any cars parked in the street. Any strange people in the area. Any other information that might shed some light into who killed her. You do wanna know right?
Cop: You wanna let me do my job?
Claire: He's hoping you'll do it.
Cop: [Stare]
Claire: What? You wanna ask me out?
Clarence: [As Clarice] Anyway, I finally thought why not adopt? Go overseas, get me one of those Chinese babies. You know, like Angelina Jolie? She did it, why not me?
Denise: I want to know when I'm going to be made partner?
Shirley: When you're good enough.
Clarence: [As Clarice] Why you staring? I know why you're staring. You're staring at my knockers. I know when a man is staring at my knockers. This here, is part of the problem. They don't let me take maternity, they stare at my knockers. Know what I'm sayin'?
Alan: No way to treat a woman.
[Looking at Denny's date's picture]
Alan: Denny, she looks young. Does she know that you're... not?
Alan: Excuse me, I realize you're new to this office but we have a zero-tolerance policy here when it comes to sexual harassment.
Claire: Ha! [points to Denny] Tubby over there groped me when I came off the elevator.
Alan: Did he grunt as he groped? Because I found as long as he's not grunting you're perfectly fine.
Denise: [to Shirley about Jeffrey] Excuse me, but did you say this man is a partner?
Jeffrey: She did. I could be your partner.
Claire: [upon being greeted by the firm] Yeah, don't anybody try to make friends with me.
Claire: This is abusive. Making me leave New York. I'm gonna call my parents and tell them I'm being abused.
Denny: I love dwarves! I was actually hoping you'd be one.
Claire: Who do we complain to here? The old people?
[Paul and Shirley get wide-eyed]
Jeffrey: By the way, you are?
Denise: Drop dead.
[Denny spots Claire for the first time]
Denny: Well, well, well, well, well. If you're a client, I'll get you off; if you're not... the offer's still there.
Claire: Okay, ick... and double ick.
Denny: Welcome, to Boston Legal.
Claire: Jeffrey, the gross man is fondling me.
Denny: It's the official firm greeting.
[squeezes Claire's butt]
Denny: Cue the music.
Denny: Oh please. If there were new guys they would have shown up in the season premiere.

Desperately Seeking Shirley [3.03]

Alan: Shirley, the truth is I only took this case to be in court with you. I enjoy your company. So, if I can't join you on cases, I'll just have to oppose you. Or I could just oppose you right now against the wall. That would certainly make me happy.
Denny: Bethany, Brad'll be your point-man here, if you need anything go to him. If you're not satisfied... you come to me.
Shirley: Your Honor, Mr. Tiggs has a history of ruining women's lives. There's one out there right now. It's going to take her years to get over this.
Ivan: No, she'll get over me, she's like a goldfish. She has a three second memory.
Judge Reese: In my chambers.
[Alan gets up]
Judge Reese: Just Ms. Schmidt and Mr. Tiggs.
Alan: Couldn't I come and just watch?
Judge Reese: [glaring at Alan menacingly] No.
Denny: One meeting.
Bethany: In these offices. I'll call it even.
Denny: Not quite. One condition. Take off your clothes.
Bethany: What!
Denny: Oh come on. That was the initial plan. We hit it off, eventually we get together, naked. Take off your clothes. Let me see that little package.
Bethany: You are the most disgusting, vulgar human being I have ever met.
Denny: You're right... Just the top then?
Denny: A meeting? Would I have to talk?
Bethany: You're much more impressive when you don't.
Alan: Mr. Tiggs did satisfy you didn't he?
Shirley: I'm under oath. It wasn't his best work.
[About Judge Hooper]
Denise: You sure it was the husband?
Lincoln: I am. He drives some sort of little white convertible in an attempt, I suppose, to seem interesting, which he's not. Not at all. He's a nasty little man. He made her get that restraining order against me. He made her do it.
Denise: Well, you are a Peeping Tom.
Lincoln: She liked that. She liked that I looked. I was a benign peepy.
Denny: [about Bethany suing Denny] What do you mean she won't drop it?
Claire: She's hurt. My advice is if really want this to go away, you have to apologize and this time make it heartfelt.
Denny: Do you do that?
Claire: Never.
Claire: You two spoke over the Internet for two weeks, divulging personal intimate details. You leave out the fact that you're under three feet tall. Do you think that's honest?
Bethany: Look at him. Did I get Mel Gibson?
[Denny makes a pose]
Bethany: Maybe I did.
Claire: Okay, before we start, I want it on the record that I am very uncomfortable deposing a dwarf.
Bethany: What's that supposed to mean?
Claire: It means I'm uncomfortable. I don't need any victims rights groups picketing outside my condo. Not to mention the fact you obviously have deep psychological issues to accept any date with a seventy-two year old man, let alone...
[stares at Denny]
Claire: Him.
Ivan: Shirley, Paul. I believe you've met my attorney. Alan Shore.
Alan: How do you do?
Shirley: What's going on?
Ivan: I've told Alan my story and he agreed to help me.
Shirley: That's ridicules.
Alan: [raising his hand] I'm a fan of ridicules.
Denny: You want a war? You get a war.
Bethany: You fat old man.
Denny: Bring it on, small fry!
Shirley: [to Ivan] What I can tell you is, there is no back door. That post-nup is as tight as your soon to be sixth ex-wife's tushy.
Ivan: [about his wife, Missy] God, I hate her.
Shirley: Oh boy.
Ivan: I tried this time. I want to love her. No, I do love her. She's just too much. Too much singing, too much sex. I'm not a young man anymore. And, well, there's the fact that she's stupid.
Jonathan: Let me tell you something right now. If you start to intimidate my witnesses...
Jeffrey: Why yours? Do you have dibs?
Jonathan: Is this the way you wanna play it? Fine.
Jeffrey: Doesn't seem we can settle this with words. Maybe we should fight.
[Judge Hooper and Jonathan stare at him]
Jeffrey: Why does everyone in Boston just stare at me?
[about Gracie Jane]
Paul: My God, we need to gag this woman.
Denny: I did once. Best sexual experience of my life.
Jeffrey: The angry, bald little husband killed his wife... just like in the movies.
Shirley: [threatening] Your resume intact?
Alan: Shirley, you're being retaliatory; it becomes you.
Alan: I'm a man of principle--or not--whatever the situation calls for.
Denny: Let the games begin, small fry.

Fine Young Cannibal [3.04]

[After Alan loses the wrestling match to Denny]
Shirley: Five seconds?
Alan: He cheated. You can't squat on the head.
Shirley: Five seconds?
Alan: Four, actually.
[Before their wrestling match]
Alan: Shouldn't we pee in a cup first? I don't trust his testosterone levels.
Denny: Mine's naturally high.
Alan: My friend, one of my goals in life is to go to all the places you've gone.
Denny: Just don't go to Shirley. She's mine.
Alan: If I should ever like to drive your car...
Denny: I toss you my keys.
Alan: If I should ever need any money...
Denny: My check is blank.
Alan: Or need to pick your brain...
Denny: My mind is blank.
Alan: Anything you have, or once did have, is there for me.
Denny: Except for Shirley. Keep your root away from Shirley.
Alan: Denny, I... Why do you have clothes pins on your ears?
Denny: Personal.
Alan: Admit it Shirley, you're drawn to me like Eve to the Serpent. Take me home and help me stretch my coil.
Shirley: Has that line actually worked?
Alan: It's working now.
Bethany: He baited me deliberately.
Brad: He did this because the book on you is your less effective when you lose your cool.
Bethany: Oh, shut up.
Brad: This is exactly the state of mind that he wants you in.
Bethany: It was an offer made in bad faith. I should bring a motion for sanctions.
Brad: That wouldn't make any difference.
Bethany: Shut up.
Brad: Shut up yourself.
Frank: No deal. He goes to jail. And tell your boy, between now and trial, he'd better not eat anyone else.
Alan: Tell me, Mr. Vote-For-Me-Come-November, what if you lose this trial? Did that ever occur to you?
Frank: Funny. It didn't.
Alan: Perhaps it should.
Frank: I would love to see how you can open this one... Shirley.
Frank: Knowing you, you'd probably plan to get up in the end and deliver some stirring closing like cannibalism is good, the world needs more people devouring each other.
Alan: No, we already have enough of that.
[Bethany is nervous and breathing hard]
Brad: [to Denny] She okay? She's panting like a dog.
Bethany: [angrily] I heard that!
[Discussing a case concerning cannibals]
Shirley: Because this case is disgusting, it's distasteful, it's repugnant...
Alan: Everything I stand for.
Shirley: I'll drive.
Alan: Shirley, is this about getting in a room with me?
Shirley: [sarcastically] Yes, Alan, I went out and recruited a cannibal just to get close to you.
[Bethany is pinching Denny's ear]
Denny: It's sexual this ear pinch.
Bethany: Yes. Pinching the ear gives you blood flow. When's the last time you got that without taking a pill?
Bethany: [To Paul] What? You've never seen a smoking dwarf before?
[About Gracie Jane]
Paul: Denny, you have got to gag this woman.
Denny: I would love to.
Alan: Primetime wants you on during sweeps. They want you to eat Diane Sawyer.
Denny: You know the old joke, Alan? Man shows up at the Pearly Gates, sees this guy in a pin stripe suit, and a briefcase, a cigar, prancing about. He says to Saint Peter, 'who's that guy?' Saint Peter says 'ahhh, that's just God. Thinks he's Denny Crane.'
Alan: Denny, what would you do if you actually met God one day?
Denny: I'd probably take him fishing.
Alan: Indeed.
Denny: He'd probably want to wrestle me for Shirley.
Alan: Indeed again.
Denny: The dwarf fainted.

Whose God Is It Anyway? [3.05]

Alan: [closing statement] Ugh, please. It's a dumb freedom. An employee's behavior reflects on their employer, for God's sakes. In this case, we're talking about a business, a law firm, where clients look for good judgment, sound and sane counsel. This guy's running around talking about how humans evolved from a big clam after galactic warlords invaded our volcanoes. He's a nut-job. And I don't know about you, but I'm getting a little tired of this whole "freedom of religion" thing. I mean, when did religion get such a good name anyway? Be it the Crusades, the Reformation Genocides, the troubles in Northern Ireland, Middle East, mass slaughters in the name of Allah, as well as the obligatory reciprocal retribution. Hundreds of millions of people have died in religious conflicts. Hitler did his business in the name of his Creator. 9/11 was an act of religious extremism. It is, in fact, our greatest threat today -- a Holy Jihad. And if we're not ready to strip religion of its sacred cow status, why don't we at least scale back a bit on the constitutional dogma exalting it as all get-out?
Sally Heep: Your Honor, I'd love to know what this has to with my client being fired.
Alan: Your client was fired because he entered into an at-will employment contract, he acted like a complete loon, and now he tries to cloak himself in a constitutional amendment that is as overplayed as it is misapplied. Everyone should get to believe in God. Pray to his God, worship his God -- of course. But to impose him on others, to victimize others in his name -- the Founding Fathers of this country set out to prevent persecution, not to license it. And for Jerry Espenson, struggling with his law practice to make ends meet, don't tell me he's not being victimized when one of his lawyers bounces around telling clients and other attorneys that according to his most recent electro-psycho-meter reading, he's getting closer to immortality, at which point he'll be able to leave his body and talk to zebras! At a certain point we have to say, "Enough with this 'freedom of religion' crap!" Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! [goes back to his seat] Yes, I know. I'll get letters.
Douglas Karnes: Christians believe that Jesus will come again. Are they all nuts?
Alan: Most.

The Verdict [3.06]

Denny: What are you looking for? Serious relationship?
Alan: Don't be silly... I'm already involved with you.
Denny: You're damn right!

Trick or Treat [3.07]

Lincoln [3.08]

Shirley: Are you okay?
Denise: It's just that ever since Daniel died, I... All I can think about is...
Shirley: Yeah.
Denise: Sex. [Shirley looks startled] I walk down the street anything I pass in pants...I wanna have sex!
Shirley: Oh.
Denise: I'm not kidding, Shirley. I wanna screw anybody and everybody. Denny Crane is looking good to me right now.
Denny: I must admit that the idea of a mother-daughter ménage à twaddle.
Alan: I think you mean trois.
Jeffrey: Denny. Seen Shirley?
Denny: Why?
Jeffrey: She was gonna meet me.
Denny: Why?
Jeffrey: We had some business to discuss.
Denny: What sort of business?
Jeffrey: The kind that wasn't yours, actually.
Denny: I told Alan, I'm telling you. Stay away from Shirley.
Renee: She loved me.
Alan: Well, you made her laugh.
Renee: I'm funny.
Alan: Are you telling me this handwritten will is valid?
Shelby: Completely. It turns out Ms. Winger is also a lawyer.
Renee: The plot thickens.
Shirley: When you came here I made one request, Jeffrey. One simple request, "Don't step on toes." Silly me for not adding, "Don't punch jaws."
Jeffrey: Bit of a weak stream you got going there. Get your prostate checked?
Brad: What did you say to me?
Jeffrey: Never mind.
Brad: So what? You're gonna make fun of my flow now?
Jeffrey: I'm sorry. It just seems a little lackluster. I would think a Marine would be a little more 'Hup To'. You gonna hit me, Brad?
Brad: Oh, you'd just love that, wouldn't you? For me to sink to your level.
Denny: [to Claire] You said I'd like him. He's an attention-starved wacko fairy. He couldn't kill anyone.
Lincoln: I heard that! I'm getting tired of you, Large Marge. You remind me of Mr. Dirty Mouth. That's what you do.
Denise: Excuse me. [drags Alan away] I just wanted to tell you that what you said to me last night was truly...disgusting.
Alan: Hm. And I assure you, Denise, I'm a man of my word.
Alan: Denise, you've always struck me as a woman who secretly longs to be debased. It's an awfully big job. But I feel I'm just the man to... do it.
Denise: Don't stop. I'm curious to see just how low you'll go.
Alan: All the way down. Again. And again. I see the filthy, naughty girl deep inside you, Denise, longing to get out. Now, if you're so unwilling to let her out, perhaps I should go in after her. I brought my snorkel.
Detective Spindle: What's the infield fly rule?
Lincoln: I haven't the slightest. Does it involve a zipper?
Denny: [to Claire] I bet he's more familiar with a zipper than he is with baseball.
Claire: [deadpan] Really?
Alan: Denise, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with Shirley. I happen to know sometimes grief can trigger the libido. It's got something to do with death causing a biological need to propagate the species. Evidently after 9-11, people were running around like rabbits.
Denise: Really? I did not know that.
Alan: If I could ever be of service...to help you cope.
Denny: Well. Shall we pick up where we left off, my little friend?
Bethany: Forget it.
Denny: Why?
Bethany: Because one of the rules I try to follow in my social life is, 'don't date guys who slept with my mother.'
Alan: Erica, before I pick up the phone, is there anything else I need to know?
Erica: Like?
Alan: Anything that could be construed as relevant.
Erica: Well. We were lovers.
[Jerry squeals]
Alan: That would be relevant.
Jerry: My client proceeded to go hiking without her and returned, there was her friend hanging around the house. And when I say hanging, Alan, I mean like a pinata.
Denny: The midget I'm dating could be my daughter.
Alan: Let me see your underwear, Denise.
Denise: Get out.
Bethany: I can get by that you're old. I can get by that you're old and gross. I can't get by that you had a history with my mother.
Jerry: [to himself] You can do it. You can do it.
Alan: Jerry, do it now.
Denny: Gotta remember: Before I open my mouth, always look both ways for midgets.
Alan: [chuckles] That's a good policy.
Bella: Our breakup was very painful for me.
Denny: Me too, twelve stitches.
Denny: When is the trial?
Alan: Next Tuesday.
Denny: Really? What time?
Alan: 10.
Denny: [referring to Lincoln] Seriously, he is a total fairy.
Shirley: You do realize that I am significantly older than you are.
Jeffrey: Then be my significantly older other.
Shirley: I am a senior partner here.
Jeffrey: You say that like it can get you laid. It can.
Bethany: I need to speak with you... [notices Alan] ...privately.
Denny: Anything you want to say to me can be said in front of him.
Alan: We're married.

On the Ledge [3.09]

[On the balcony]
Jerry: When I was in law school, my dream wasn't so much the big trial as... well, I guess this. Having a drink at the end of the day with co-counsel, battle-weary, rehashing the day, discussing strategy. The whole socialization of lawyering that... well, until now, I've never experienced. It's a rich feeling, whatever it is.
Alan: It's called friendship.
[Jerry nods]
Alan: To friendship, my colleague.
[They click glasses in a toast]
[Renee and Alan run into each other]
Renee: My apologies.
Alan: Renee, looking well.
Renee: I'm glad. It's a goal.
Alan: Coping okay with your...tragic loss?
Gracie Jane: [on TV] It takes more than a stiff whack on the head to keep me down, folks. Trust me, I get hit harder during sex. I'm only sorry this creepo didn't have at me with a shovel during sweeps.
Lincoln: [turns the TV off] I knew I should've plunked her a second time! I just knew it!
Shirley: Are you telling me you're the one who assaulted her?
Lincoln: I say that in confidence, of course.
Claire: [about Shirley] Are we really sure she's missing? Sometimes old people just slip off to have some work done.
[Jeffrey glares at her]
Denny: My murder case went away. You've still got yours. It just doesn't seem fair.
Alan: Nutty Lincoln didn't whack the judge?
Alan: Ready?
Jerry: I'm ready. I actually feel... calm. Of course, I'm medicated but... [smiles at his own joke]
Lincoln: From the first moment I saw you, do you know what I wanted to do?
Shirley: Pave my driveway?
Lincoln: I wanted to suck on your right earlobe. I'm sure people tell you you have soft, supple lobes.
Shirley: It gets old.
Lincoln: Is mocking me really an exercise of your most sound judgment, Shirley? After all, I do have in my possession a loaded firearm.
Shirley: Let alone a ukulele.
Denny: Right on my balcony.
Alan: It is not what you think.
Denny: I saw you. I heard you.
Alan: We were just talking.
[Denny storms from the room]
Alan: Oh dear.
Alan: Denny, where is that doll?
Denny: The police took her in for questioning.
Alan: Shirley Schmidt-ho?
Denny: She'll be back.
Shirley: [to Lincoln] We all live our lives on a ledge. And it takes surprisingly little to push us over.
Shirley: Lincoln! Suck...my...lobe.
Paul: Have you seen Shirley?
Denny: Naked?
Paul: Lately. She's missing.

The Nutcrackers [3.10]

Shirley: [to Alan] This was one of Edwin Poole's cases. It seems to have slipped through my cracks. So, I thought you'd find it especially tasty.
Alan: What's my motivation?
Shirley: I beg your pardon?
Alan: My character's motivation. I can't just jump cold into a case, Shirley, I need... incentive.
"Pro-Ana" Lawyer: I guess we'll see each other in court.
Denny: [under his breath] Not if you turn sideways.
Denny: Now, don't go knocking fat girls. I love chubby sex. [looks over at the female judge] I'm sure Your Honor does.
Denny: Objection. Your Honor, she's being... objectionable!
Judge: Sustained.
White Supremacist Twins: [singing] Michael row the boat ashore, hallelujah! Michael row the boat ash—
Alan: Michael was a gay Jew from Mexico, you know that of course?
Denise: [scolding Brad and Jeffrey] Guys, you're both partner. I'm not. So why am I the only one acting like an adult?
Jeffrey: Guess we should work this out.
Brad: Does it have to be tonight?
Jeffrey: Well, it is the season. 'Peace on Earth, good will toward men'...
Brad: What was that?
Jeffrey: "Good will toward men"?
Brad: No, right before that.
Jeffrey: "Peace on Earth"?
Brad: I knew it. Liberal.
Alan: We had our first three-way tonight.
Denny: I'm not sure that Shirley enjoyed it as much as we did.
Alan: Mm. Fabulous for me.
Denny: She didn't quite taste the same as I remember. She tasted more like...
Alan: [chuckles] Me. That was my slobber, Denny. We've finally exchanged bodily fluids.
Denny: Oh. [swishes wine in his mouth before swallowing] Blech!

Angel of Death [3.11]

Alan: Denny, I'm not going to presume you were paying attention in court today, were you?
Denny: In and out.
Alan: You were hung-over.
Denny: It happens!
Vanessa Walker: I only have two plane tickets
Denny: Oh, gee, and I only have a Gulfstream.

Nuts [3.12]

Alan: We have geniuses in this country. True pioneers of innovation. Steve Jobs, Steven Wozniak, Steve Ballmer...if we could just round up some of our best Steves!
Alan: The 9/11 commission, they dumped on you pretty good didn't they?
Linwood Winchell: Somewhat.
Alan: Somewhat?! A 'D' in port security, an 'F' in improving communications for first responders a 'D' in border security, an 'F' in aviation security, a 'D' in chemical plant security. These aren't passing grades Mr. Winchell.
Denny: This country works Alan. You Democrats don't want to admit it. Oh, I'm not saying there aren't kinks! Foam chips off the occasional space craft, we start the odd war on false pretenses, but by and large...America works! That's why I'm completely nuts about it.
Denny: You can change one thing, what is it?
Alan: I'd get rid of stores that end in Mart.
Alan: Everyone here is named Denny Crane. These are just the ones within driving distance, of course, since airplane travel is not an option.
Claire: And Clarence needs to get back to work. I can't afford Oprah.

Dumping Bella [3.13]

Denny: I'll let you play with my gun.
Shirley: Your gun goes off too prematurely for me, Denny. It always has.
[During an office meeting about a costume party]
Brad: This is so high school.
Paul: As opposed to you and Jeffrey slugging it out in the men's room?
Brad: I won.
Jeffrey: Did not!
Paul: Shut up!
[In court]
Judge Sanders: Hold on just one second; are you a midget?
Bethany: Are you an imbecile?
Judge Sanders: Uh...objection!
Denny: Sustained.
Denny: Objection!
Judge Sanders: Overruled!
Denny: Objection!
Judge Sanders: Sustained!
Shirley: [during closing arguments in court] I'm simply saying that we, as a people, as a nation, like to feel pretty. It's who we are. And if it means a few young rabbits have to sacrifice their lives, well, they and their families can take heart because they did so for their country. Because, when you think about it, all we really hope for at this point is to save face.
Denny: Alan, you've got to help me dump Bella. I'm not good when it comes to breaking up with women; I'm too soft.
Alan: Denny, you shoot people.
Denny: I thought of that, but it would be illegal. Except in Florida.
Judge Sanders: First of all, I will say, for the record, I don't believe in all that moisturizer, botox, fountain of youth poopycock!
Shirley: Oh please, Judge, how else could you look like you do at a hundred?
Denny: [after breaking up with Bella] I didn't have to shoot her!
[Shirley and Denny high-five each other]
[At the office costume party. Alan is dressed as Shirley Schmidt.]
Paul: What's it like being Shirley?
Alan: The thong is a little uncomfortable.

Selling Sickness [3.14]

Brad: Could I get you to put your tongue back in your mouth there, soldier?
Alan: Thank goodness we have you, Brad, to keep track of our tongues. Would you like a list of the places mine has been this week?
Brad: Perv.
Denny: It's gonna get ugly, Shirley.
Shirley: Denny Crane ugly.
Denny: Hmm-mm.
Vanessa: I'm sure it's a long, very complicated answer, but what is your problem?
Alan: [chuckles] You're right. It's a long...very complicated answer.

Fat Burner [3.15]

Denny: How come the other side always has short closings?
Bethany: So, you going to remind me again how I'm supposed to cross the wife?
Paul: Oh, shut up.
Denny: Denny Crane never goes down. Except as a lover; I'm giving in bed. [to Alan] Is that relevant?
Denny: They're singling me out because I'm Denny Crane. Big name, big splash. Know where I can get a good lawyer? [grins] It's never dull, Alan. Admit it.
Denny: I'll have that jury eating out of my lap.
Alan: Hand.

The Good Lawyer [3.16]

Alan: “You’ll recall I once advised you fleeing the practice of law because it’s an ugly occupation which calls opponents participants to do ugly things. I’m very accomplished to the practice of law, Jerry.”
Denny: ...these aliens in the form of Ann Margaret, took me to their spacecraft, and had sex with me.
Denny: Holy crap, I shot the rabbi.
Denny: You people have an overreacting problem, you do know that?
Lawyer: [offended] "We people?"
Denny: Yeah, same thing in Lebanon. They grab a few soldiers, you respond with overkill. And that's a problem.
Bethany: Are you saying Israel doesn't have the right to defend itself?
Denny: Well, of course, they do! But you can't blow up a country just because you get mad! Only the United States enjoys that privilege. We're a superpower; God is on our side.

Brotherly Love [3.19]

Alan: What are you doing?
Denny: The Secret.
Alan: Certainly you can tell me; I'm your flamingo.
Denny: No, no, no. The Secret. Haven't you heard? The law of attraction. Get with the program, man.
Alan: What are you talking about?
Denny: If you think positively, you become a magnet and pull in everything you want towards you.
Alan: Really?
Denny: I figure if I concentrate on world peace, maybe I can actually make it happen.
Alan: You're sitting here concentrating on world peace?
Denny: Oh, God, no. Gotta start smaller. I'm thinking Raquel Welch. Get her first, then go for peace.
Judge Sanders: Alright, this would probably be a good time for a bowel movement. Er, Lunch! I mean lunch. Uh, 2 o'clock?
Alan: Could we say 2:30 and make time for both?
Judge Sanders: Silence! I won't stand for your... your...
Alan: Poop?

Guise 'n Dolls [3.20]

Denny: The man's a keeper. Smart, good-looking, articulate. I like him.
Paul: There you go.
Kevin: May I ask, when you say "articulate", I would imagine almost everyone who comes out of law school is "articulate".
Denny: Yeah, but uh, well, you know what I mean.
Kevin: I don't, actually.
Denny: Well, I-I mean it like Joe Biden meant it. The way they mean it when they say uh, Condi Rice is so articulate. That way.
Kevin: But I still don't know what you mean.
Denny: You don't sound black.
Shirley: Denny, there's no such thing as "sounding black".
Denny: What do you mean?
Shirley: Certainly you don't think all black people sound alike.
Denny: Well, of course not. Anchors on the news don't sound black at all, and the black weathermen sound whiter than me.
Shirley: It's politically incorrect to say somebody sounds black.
Denny: All right, then "African-American".
Shirley: No.
Denny: "Jesse Jackson-ish"?
Shirley: No!
Denny: Well then, how? What do you say? If a person sounds black, what's the right way to say it?
Shirley: [uncomfortably] ... "Urban".
Denny: White people don't live in cities?
Denny: I might vote for him, you know.
Alan: [surprised] Obama?
Denny: Anybody in America can grow up to be President, that's what I say. Except for Hillary! She wins, I puke.
Alan: Barack Obama.
Denny: Handsome, great photo op. I don't know what he stands for... He'd be a perfect president! Speaks perfect "white" as well as "black". Never heard me say that.
Alan: What about McCain.
Denny: He speaks "Bush" now. Can't win.
Alan: Obama's against the war now, you know.
Denny: So'm I. [Alan looks questioningly] Don't worry. I'm ready for a new war. Time to blow up Iran. And we gotta get Amina.... douche-bag. And that nut job in North Korea. They both gotta go. And not because they're not white!
Denny: Of course it does, Alan... you can't please every body. Better to just...
Alan: Blow them up.
Denny: Exactly. And not because they're not white.
Alan: No.

Duck and cover [3.23]

Jerry: I've handled multi-national corprate bankruptcies, high profile murder cases and defended manufacturing giants against product liability charges.
Shirley : Yes?
Jerry: And you assign me the duck lady?
Shirley : Is she just sitting alone in your office?
Jerry: She has the duck!

Season 4

No Brains Left Behind [4.09]

Judge Clark Brown: There's a reason for that. If people had the choice to serve domestically, they'd do so; in which case we'd lose our backdoor draft and not have enough poor people to fight our war!

Season 5

Smoke Signals [5.01]

Denny: Is that how you plan to try this case?
Alan: Don't start with me, Denny, all right?
Alan: Do you have any idea how many people die every day from cigarettes?
Denny: Oh, please. What else is new? Tobacco kills. Big deal.
Alan: Did you just say "big deal?"
Denny: Well, it's old news.
Alan: First of all, it's not just old news. It's absolutely current. The tobacco industry is more powerful today-
Denny: It's boring!
Alan: What, have we all just been desensitized? Smoking kills. Whatever. We've all just gone numb.
Denny: Why'd you say that? Who told you I went numb.
Alan: ...
Denny: Who said that?
Alan: What are you talking about?
Denny: You damn well know... Did she call you?
Alan: Denny, I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. So why don't you tell me? You have been in a bad mood all day. What is up?
Denny: Nothing's up. That's the problem. My junk doesn't work.
Alan: I beg your pardon.
Denny: I went back to the captain's quarters with one of the girls from the hot tub. My junk failed me.
Alan: Oh.
Denny: I'm done, Alan.
Alan: D-Denny-
Denny: I wish I were dead. I'd have made a better showing with rigor mortis. Dead. Done. It's over.

Dances With Wolves [5.03]

Denny: There are many ways that men go dead as they age. One way ... they start incorporating all the learned politically-correct behavior and thoughts into who they are, in the process deny what they are.
Alan: What are we?
Denny: Animals.
Denny: Today's evolved men talk to each other about politics, kids and education. They talk about anything and everything, yet they are profoundly lonely. Why? Because they are ashamed to share their most base instinct.
Denny: You and I aren't like that. When we're 90, we'll be sitting on a park bench, pretty girl go by, and we'll say "look at the rack on that one". You and I will never be lonely.

Mad Cows [5.07]

Denny: You know what your problem is?
Alan: Yeah, a collapsing economy, two wars....
Denny: No, Democrats don't know how to win, Republicans do.
Alan: Maybe instead of so smugly celebrating that Republicans know how to win, might you be at the least bit disgusted at the tactics that they resort to?
Denny: Oh, please.
Alan: The despicable pandering like supporting gas tax holidays or cozying up to the Evangelicals or the most egregious example of political pandering in memory: John McCain's choice in running mate.
Denny: Well... she's run... something.
Alan: What? A town called Wasilla? Which she left in debt?
Denny: She had executive experience including foreign policy.
Alan: Foreign policy? Because she can see Russia on a clear day? Can she even spell "Russia?"
Denny: She's just as qualified.
Alan: Denny, she couldn't name newspaper she read or Supreme Court decision
Denny: Gossip journalism.
Alan: Gossip journalism? Naming a Supreme court case?
Denny: This isn't about Palin, it's about McCain.
Alan: What if, what if he dies?
Denny: Who?
Alan: McCain! Of the last 19 Administrations, almost half, half had situations where the Vice President had to assume Presidential responsibilities; in fact- complete control.
Denny: Reagan had Alzheimer's, his a approval ratings were up-.
Alan: Denny, John McCain is 72! He would be the oldest person ever to assume office. He's ripe for a heart attack, not to mention, he's had Melanoma four times. There's a very real possibility he could die. And then what? We'd be left with Sarah Palin? Is there really anyone anywhere that's okay with that?!
Denny: Yes! They're called Americans! The Joe six-pack -
Alan: Joe six-pack needs someone to fix the economy not have a beer with!
Denny: I don't hear anything other from Obama.
Alan: You don't hear anything at all from John McCain. His own camp says "don't talk about it." Instead, we'll just go negative.
Denny: Oh, Obama's gone negative too.
Alan: Bulldog Palin said that Obama pounced around with terrorists.
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