Jump to content

Shameless (American TV series)/Season 3

Add links
From Wikiquote

Shameless (2011–2021) is an American television drama series, that aired on Showtime, about the dysfunctional family of Frank Gallagher, a single father of six children. While he spends his days drunk, his kids learn to take care of themselves. The series premiered on January 9, 2011 and concluded on April 11, 2021.

El Gran Canon [3.01]

Fiona: Frank is like scabies; you can't get rid of them no matter how hard you try.

The American Dream [3.02]

Lip: When you're poor, only way to make money is to steal it or scam it, like Don King or Joe Kennedy.

May I Trim Your Hedges? [3.03]

Veronica: [About Cheryl] You let her sleep in our bed? You said yourself she's a crazy bitch.
Kev: She is a crazy bitch. And not a crazy bitch like you're a crazy bitch like, "oh bitch, you so crazy." No! She once tried to beat me to death with a frozen fish because I had asked if there was any more broccoli.
Cheryl: [On Veronica] She's some kind of nympho; has three drawers filled with dildos!
Veronica: What you doing going through my shit, bitch?
Debbie: What's a dildo?
Beto: [On Estefania] You married her before God, no?
Jimmy: No, I married her before her father who had a gun pointed at my nuts. It's different somehow.
Ian: Hey, did you really fuck Angie Zahgo today?
Mickey: Yeah, I fucked Angie.
Mickey: Everybody fucks Angie.
Mickey: You don't fuck Angie?
Ian: No.
Mickey: Huh.
Mickey: You want to fuck Angie? I can call her, get her down here.
Ian: No.
Frank: Tommy! Hey, you still got that garage?
Tommy: Yeah, it kinda comes with the house, frank.
Frank: Great. What say you let me sleep there?
Tommy: What say I don't.
Frank: Why the hell not?
Tommy: Because the last time you stayed at my place, you shit in my kitchen sink.
Frank: The layout of your home is very confusing.
Tommy: No, Frank. No means no. [Holds up middle finger]
Frank: Fuck you, tommy. Fuck you means fuck you.
Frank: Kermit! My best friend.
Kermit: You can't stay with me, Frank.
Frank: Wh--what if I suck your dick?
Kevin: Frank. What if you immigrate to Mexico, Frank? Reverse the prevailing tide.
Frank: Why are you even here? Should be collecting disability. 'cause I didn't injure my foot at work. Hey, let me crash at your place. I'll tell the insurance company that you did.
Katy: Why can't you stay at your place, Frank?
Frank: Ungrateful little shits! That's why. Things I do for them. Blood, sweat, and tears. [Phone rings at bar] This is not how a family treats each other.
Katy: [Answers phone] Yeah. Hang on. [Hands phone to Kevin] It's for you. V.
Kevin: Hey, baby, what's going on? What? No, yeah, okay. Okay, I'll be right there. Watch the bar. [Walks away]
Frank: Little redheaded bitch is the worst of 'em. Expect it from the others, but not from-- not from-- from... Her-- Debbie. Orphan Annie turned on me. That's how I got all these bruises. She hit me. With a bat. Now, I can't touch her. No. That is child abuse. I'd get reported. [Has an epiphany and makes call hiding behind coffee maker] Operator, can you connect me with child welfare ser- services? Yes, hello. I would like to report, uh... a- a negligence situation. 2119 North Wallace. Gallagher. Six kids living in squalor. No parental supervision. When the father is there, he's drunk. He hits them. Not--n-not that they don't deserve it. They're all criminals, delinquents, vio- what? No, if it's all right, I would like to remain anonymous. No, thank you. And god bless you.
Katy: [Listening nearby] That is an all-time low. Even for you, Frank.

The Helpful Gallaghers [3.04]

Fiona: If I had to apologize for all the stuff my dad has done, I wouldn't have a voice left.
Frank: If God didn't want things up our ass, he would have given the rectum a gag reflex.

The Sins of My Caretaker [3.05]

Veronica: [Reading a birthday cake] Haddy Birtbay Juby?
Fiona: Bakery guy is dyslexic.
Jimmy: It's not the homo thing that gets me, 'cause gays hit on me all the time and it doesn't bother me.
Veronica: Of course they do. You wear designer jeans and coconut hair product. You're like gay flypaper.
Debbie: [To Molly] I will totally teach you to swim. We can protect one another from city kids who hate white people!
Mickey: I don't know what you see in that geriatric viagroid.
Ian: He buys me stuff. Orders me room service... He isn't afraid to kiss me.
Ian: Hey, you know that guy you beat the shit out off at that club? Want me to sneak into his mansion and take all of his crap.
Mickey: Really. Hilarious.
Ian: Can't get them himself. Divorce. Says I can take whatever I want. He's loaded. You want in? [Mickey holds up a pistol] Jesus! Use blanks, maybe!
Mickey: Can I bring my cousins?
Ian: Yeah.
Mickey: Alright. I'm in.
[Lloyd visits Ian at work at Kash and Grab]
Lloyd: Can you forgive a man who's falling apart? A little?
Ian: Yeah.
Lloyd: Can I kiss you?
Ian: No.
Lloyd: Just a little. So listen. Um, I need somebody to rob my house, and I'm hoping you could help.
Ian: You want me to rob your house?
Lloyd: Candace changed the locks on the house. My goddamn house. And she won't let me back in, so I need someone to steal my stuff. If I do it, the neighbors might recognize me. You go in during daylight hours, and you look like movers. You'll be fine. Look, she stays up till 3:00 a.m. Drinking Stoli' Vanilla and watching Bowflex ads. She'll be unconscious until well past noon. Okay, this could be very lucrative for you. You can take anything you want. Come on, it's all insured. All I want are my two armani suits, My Lucien Freud, and my bottle of 1990 Chateau Latour Pauillac. What do you say? Will you do it?
[Frank is sleeping in a dirt hole leaning against fence and Fiona walks along kicking Frank in the head]
Frank: Enough with the kicking! Christ!
Fiona: Where is she?!
Frank: I can't- I give up. I need sleep.
Fiona: Let me spell this out for you. The city digs up some bones. The police show up. They figure out it's Aunt Ginger. They date the bones. They realize she's been dead for 14 years, And yet, her social security checks are being cashed every month. This isn't a DUI, Frank. You buried a body and you stole from the federal government. You will never get out of prison. Think about it.
Frank: Fuck.
Carl: Frank?
Frank: Yes, son?
Carl: Why would a dude put his penis In another dude's mouth?
Frank:Well, sometimes men discover things about themselves, like they prefer male genitalia To female genitalia.
Carl: Wait. So some guys like to lick wieners?
Frank: Well, I'm sure at first they're attracted To each other's build. And once a connection gets made, Then the wieners get licked. It's a scorcher today, ain't it?
Dr. Vega: I've got an 11:00 ovarian cyst, an 11:30 u.T.I., and a preteen pregnancy in the lobby, so can you tell me why you're here when I just saw you two weeks ago?
Veronica: We've been bangin' like bunnies And I can't get pregnant. I need another exam.
Dr. Vega: It won't change anything.
Veronica: But you said last time I had a chance of getting pregnant.
Dr. Vega: I believe I said you had very little chance. I also used the words, "highly unlikely" And "wildly improbable."
Carol: You got my baby girl's hopes up for nothing.
Dr. Vega: I chose to mitigate a difficult discussion with upbeat and positive phrasings.
Veronica: I need to know the truth. Can I have a damn baby or not?
Dr. Vega: Put is this way, you have a 99.999 chance of not getting pregnant, nothing is impossible.
Carl: So does, like, one penis go into the other penis?
Hank jr.: Of course. When gay dudes get horny, Their pee holes open.
[Debbie walks up to Frank jackhammering in the backyard]
Debbie: Daddy!
Frank: Hey. Whoa. You stink like bleach.
Debbie: Yeah, I was at the pool today. I stayed under for 112 seconds.
Frank: Hey, good for you!
Debbie: Yeah.
Frank: Show those syphilis-ridden turbo sluts a thing or two. They think they own the water Just 'cause they piss in it.
Carl: I need to know where the gay wieners go.
Lip: [Sighs] You know how you plunge a toilet when it's backed up?
Carl: Yeah.
Lip: Think of it as one dude plunging another dude's toilet.
Molly: I can't wait to get my period. Mom said it's the body's tribute to female sacrifice.
Fiona: You're not a girl, honey. You're a boy who was raised By a jacked-up meth head of a mom Who made you think you were a girl Because she hates men.
Molly: I'm not a girl?
[Sheila has realised her hospice patient, a senior nun has been blogging about Sheila on her iPad]
Sheila: Oh! Oh! I thought you took a vow of silence. The silence doesn't include the internet? You have been blogging about me every day?
[Jimmy is at The Alibi]
Jimmy: It's my fourth.
Katy: I don't care if it's your 44th. We don't do buybacks.
Jimmy: I'm broke.
Tommy: Hey, news flash, princess. So is 150% of the patronage here.
Kevin: Oh, there she is.
Katy: Welcome back. How was your vacay?
Kevin: Oh, I went surfing, got hit by a jet ski, Saw a dolphin masturbate.
Katy: Yeah?
Jimmy: Well, my finger's broken, my parents are divorced, And my dad's a fairy, so--
Katy: A fairy? Hello, 1983. Did you get my co2 tanks?
Kevin: Yeah.
Katy: Hey, can you make it quick? I gotta get out of here.
Kevin: Yeah, yeah.
Katy: Thank you.
Kevin: Hey. You know, not for nothin', but, uh, no one likes to hear a grown man whine. It's like the verbal equivalent of a dude wearing uggs.
Jimmy: Yeah, well, I appreciate the sympathy, thanks.
Kevin: Get over it. Fiona doesn't have room for it. She's busting her ass just to keep food on the table.
Frank: [Walks in] Good denizens of Cook County, I have a proposition. [Patrons murmurs] Do you remember- Do you remember the holdup of that jewelry store on South Ashland in '92?
Patron: Oh, yeah, sure. Bastards cleaned out these poor spics of every piece of crap that they had.
Frank: That was my mother. She did the heist. And I think she buried the crap in my backyard.
Patron: How do you know that?
Frank: Well, she stashed it somewhere and then she forgot where. So the other day I was planting some basil. I've recently gotten back into gardening. And I found this.
Patron: Shit, is that gold?!
Frank: Could be. Pretty dirty, gotta get it appraised. The point being, this is only the tip of the golden iceberg. Now I can't dig it all up by myself. So I will give a sizeable cut to anyone who helps me unearth it. So who's with me? [Patrons sparsely chuckles]
Tommy: Fuck it. Why not?
One-arm-patron: I'm in.
Frank: There you go. Bravo, soldiers. Onward, onward. Let's go. Let's do it. That's the spirit. This is what made America great.
Debbie: I think I'm gonna puke.
Fiona: Muscle through it. We gotta find her. Where'd Carl go? Huh?
Carl: [Throws a fireworks cluster] Ninja!
Fiona: Carl! No! No! [Fireworks explodes in the backyard] Oh, my god. Shit, Carl! That actually kinda worked!
Lip: You get those from the fireworks stash?!
Fiona: Yeah!
Lip: Go get some more!
Fiona: [Sees figure through smoke] Ian?!
Jimmy: [Walking through smoke] Reeks out here. Hey, listen. Oh, man. About all the stuff, just with my dad, I--
Fiona: Oh, my god, why are we still talking about this? I mean, really? Christ.
Jimmy: Okay, so, like, whenever you need me, I'm, like, there for you, but the one time I need you, You're like, "screw off"?
Fiona: Carl thinks he's a cancer survivor. Molly thinks she's a girl with a penis. Debbie's getting terrorized at the public pool. This yard smells like a sewer. I got three drunk assholes operating power tools behind me. And the bitches at work Locked me in a bathroom today. Oh! And we might all be on the verge of going to prison. So you wanna talk? Fine. Grab a shovel. [Throws shovel at Jimmy's feet] Talk your face off about how your dad gave a blowjob to a teenager, but dig while you do it.
Jimmy: You know what? I'm really tired of playing this "my tragedy is bigger than your tragedy" game. My entire world got rocked, and it's, like, not even on your radar. We're in a relationship! What's important to me should be important to you.
Fiona: Look at us. We are literally digging up a body. How do you even compare our situations? [Jimmy turns heels and walks to the street and Fiona huckles] oh, that's great. Walk away. That's a real pussy move. Yeah, why don't you go cry to your gay dad about it?

Cascading Failures [3.06]

Fiona: [to Jimmy] I don't mean to be an asshole. It's just... genetic.
Veronica: [Fostering the kids] Five Gallaghers... I'm gonna to be the lone black dot on the map of Ireland.
Mickey: My dad took my brothers on a run out of town for a couple of days so if you want to ditch that dump and crash at my place you can.
Ian: Was I just invited to a sleep over?
Mickey: Fuck you is what you were invited to.
Both Kevin and Carol: Are you out of your fucking mind?
Veronica: Kev is just gonna lie down with you for procreation, Not sex.
Carol: What is the difference?
Veronica: It's clinical. So no one enjoys it. Millions of sperm died in that turkey baster. This will deliver the biggest batch. The bigger the batch, the better the chance.
Carol: Uh-uh. No, honey.
Kevin: This is an express bus to The Maury Povich Show.
Veronica: I want nothing more than to be able to give you the baby That I know you want... and the grandbaby that you deserve. But I can't. And it kills me. Please, just give it a go while you're still ovulating.
Carol: [Groans] What kind of hard liquor you got and how much? [Exhales]
Jody: [Fixing kitchen light fixture] Damn, it's hot up here
Sheila: That's because heat rises.
Jody: Then how come space is so cold? [Someone knocks on door] I got it.
Sheila: Who's at the door? [Jody opens door ]
Jody: Hey.
Frank: Hey, uh...
Sheila: Who's at the door, baby? [Frank comes in and Sheila gasps] No! Frank, no!
Frank: Wait.
Sheila: You- first of all, get out! Get out!
Frank: Just hear me out.
Sheila: You are not allowed in here. Get out!
Frank: DFS pinched my kids. I need you to pretend to be Monica to help me get them back.
Sheila: What? No! No! Why should I do anything for you? You left Hiram all alone.
Frank: I am begging you. As someone who knows what it feels like to lose a kid. Karen ran away. Can you imagine what it must feel like to have them taken from you? This isn't for Frank, okay? It's for Debbie and Carl and Liam. Maybe you should do it, Shelly-Bear...For the kids.
Mickey: You fuck anyone in there yet?
Ian: God no!
Mickey: Wise choice. Even if you're propositioned it's probably just a set up. Guys wanna find out if you're gay and pound the shit out of you. And not in a good way.
Ian: Great.
Ian: I mean, there is just no privacy. If I want to jack off I've got to do it in the bathroom.
Mickey: I can't even begin to imagine what kind of pussy you'd be in juvie.

A Long Way From Home [3.07]

Jimmy: [to Fiona, after answering the phone] It's Veronica. Says she's got a dead body for you?
Judge: Ms. Gallagher, you want to tell me why your father should be declared unfit?
Fiona: We were living out of a car once. Uncle Nick had kicked us out. We couldn't find anyone else who'd take us in. Lip and Ian and me were sleeping in the backseat when Frank pulled over. Middle of the night. Think it was Halstead. Told me to take the boys and sit on the curb and he'd be right back. I was six. Few hours later, we're still sitting on the sidewalk and Ian's head is burning up. He's hysterical. I don't know what to do. So I ran down the street, Lip under one arm, Ian under the other, trying to flag down help. It would have been easier scoring crack than a ride to the clinic. I finally made it on foot. They said Ian had a fever of 104. Another couple hours later, who knows. I didn't find Frank until a couple days later. First thing he asked me, was how much money I had on me. Wish I could say that was the only time, but it was just the first. My mother is bipolar and my father is an alcoholic and an addict. He takes what he pleases and he offers nothing. No money, no support. I've done what I could to help raise my siblings. I wish I could've done more. I'm not asking for your pity or your admiration. I just want to be able to give these kids everything that they deserve because they're great kids. And they deserve better.

Where There's a Will [3.08]

Patrick: Thank you all for coming out in honor of Aunt Ginger. "GG" as I called her. You now, when the guy at the funeral place handed me her ashes, I thought, what the hell do I do with these? Put 'em in a vase on my mantle? Or scatter them at the park or the lake? Then I thought, no, I know where she was happiest. On this corner, her corner, where she turned tricks in her 20s and 30s.
Frank: And 60s!
Carl: She did magic tricks?
Frank: No, no, no, son. "Turning tricks" is a euphemism for prostitution. In her day, your great aunt was a legendary pole smoker. Could unlock her jaw like a Burmese python.
Patrick: We are at her funeral. You know, some think Gallaghers don't have a work ethic, but Ginger worked this corner rain, sleet, snow, her old knees hitting that hard pavement again and again. Bertie Giddelman is the only one that's outlasted her. Look, you all knew Ginger, so I ain't gonna sugarcoat it. She was a mean old bitch. But even a mean old bitch deserves a send off. Here, here. So this is us, Ginger, sending you off, right where you belong. [Pours ashes out in gutter] It's touching. I'm tearing up. Okay, kids, let's go.
Fiona: Patrick. So Ginger had a will that we didn't know about, and you just had it sitting in a drawer?
Patrick: Yep.
Fiona: And even though she hated your guts, she left our house to you?
Patrick: It was never your house.
Lip: It's weird, you know, how she signed the will only a year ago, you know, her being an invalid and all.
Patrick: Signed and notarized.
Lip: I don't remember you coming by with a lawyer.
Patrick: I gotta get back to my family.
Fiona: Six kids with nowhere else to go.
Patrick: Why don't we talk about this when the sting of losing Ginger has worn off, hmm? Tomorrow, maybe?
Lip: You want to tell them or should I?
Kevin: I'm like a stud bull. You open the barn door, slap me on the ass. You know, I mean, when I say, "open the barn door," all right, I'm gonna block everything out, and I'm just gonna picture your beautiful face.
Carol: I picture Denzel Washington.
Kevin: Oh, for real?
Carol: When I open my eyes a little and I see it's a white guy, eh, then I go with Johnny Depp.
Kevin: Oh?
Frank: Oh? You appreciate the irony, right? Senseless arguments about who gets what bedroom, refusing to allow me to stay. Now, nobody gets to stay.
Ian: Why is Frank here again?
Fiona: There's a small chance he'll be able to help since he's known Patrick longer than any of us.
Carl: Patrick wants to steal our house?
Lip: He's a contractor. He's gonna flip it. Slap a coat of paint on it, call it "a cozy, authentic pre-war," and offload it to yuppies.
Fiona: Not gonna happen. So let's go over our options.
Debbie: I'll write them down.
Ian: [They all walk to kitchen table] All right, look, we know the will is bullshit. It was signed a year ago, and Ginger's been dead for what, 10?
Fiona: More like 15.
Debbie: [Starts writing] Option one. Prove will is a forgery.
Lip: We can't call the cops because we faked Ginger's death and forged a will of our own.
Fiona: Plus Frank's been cashing Ginger's social security checks.
Frank: Oh, like you didn't share in that bounty?
Lip: What we could do, we could argue that Ginger wasn't of sound mind when she signed it. I mean, she was never of sound mind anyway.
Debbie: Option two. Say Ginger was crazy.
Jimmy: Or convince Patrick to back off somehow.
Debbie: Yeah, that's three.
Frank: Good luck with that! His nickname used to be Pit Bull. It was partly an odor thing, but also because once he gets ahold of you, he doesn't let go. You gotta kill him first.
Debbie: Option four. Kill Patrick.
Frank: It's time to face reality. Patrick out-Gallaghered us, and there's no point in fighting it.
Ian: Easy for you to say, you're at Sheila's.
Frank: So before you're out on the streets like so many Somalian refugees, ask yourselves, "if Patrick is taking the house, what are we taking?" Copper pipes.
Fiona: You're not taking the pipes, Frank. You really think there's a way to challenge the will?
Lip: Why not? You know, if I can bone up on probate law.
Fiona: All in favor. [Everyone raises hands] Unanimous.
Frank: Well, like hell it is.
Fiona: Lip will handle the will. The rest of you, get ready for the first day of school tomorrow. Debbie and Carl, pick out something to wear that doesn't have holes.
Carl: Wouldn't it just be easier to kill him?
Fiona: Clothes, now. We better work fast. Winter's coming, and it'll be cold sleeping in the park.
Frank: This is why democracy does not work.
Fiona: Debbie, that is not the outfit that we picked out for your first day, and you are so not leaving here in that.
Debbie: I borrowed it from Mandy.
Fiona: Clearly.
Debbie: You do realize that I'm in middle school now, right?
Fiona: Yeah, not stripper school. Go change.
...
Fiona: Mandy, she's 13. She's not working the bedroom at the Mustang Ranch.
Mandy: Yeah, like you never wore a short skirt when you were her age.
Lip: Jeez, Fi, she's just trying to help.
...
Fiona: Can you take Liam tomorrow?
Veronica: Not sure. Those fruits of Islam people on 4th have a free daycare. If I say I hate whitey, I bet they'll watch him for a few hours. So is Lip getting serious about Mandy "Skankovich"? [Mandy appears behind her]
Mandy: Nice. [Goes up stairs]
Veronica: Oh, shit, Mandy, I'm sorry. You know I would have never said that to your face. Should I apologize or leave? I'm gonna leave.
Sheila: And now that you're home, I'm sure the Wongs will let us spend more time with him.
Karen: I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet.
Sheila: I know you want to be involved in Hymie's life. In fact, I found a flyer for a support group.
Karen: Support for what?
Sheila: For families affected with Down's Syndrome. I thought it might be a way for us to educate ourselves about Hymie's needs.
Frank': Be grateful the kid's not here.
Sheila: Butt out, Frank!
Frank': Children in the Cambodian killing fields turned their parents over for execution. A lifetime of devotion, that's the loyalty it buys you.
Sheila: Um, Frank.
Frank: Uh-huh?
Sheila: Honey, we've been through a lot together.
Frank: That we have, Sheils, that we have.
Sheila: Um, but Hymie's gone, and with Karen and Jody here, it's kind of a full house.
Frank: What? No. No, no, no, don't say that.
Sheila: Frank, I'm just asking you to go home to your family.
Frank: My family threw me out with no regard for my well-being. Do you want me homeless? Do you want me wandering the streets just as old man winter winds his way down from the frozen north?
Sheila: Don't you have someone you can stay with, like a friend?
Frank: Just as I'm getting my life together. I'm going to AA.
Sheila: You go because a judge ordered you to go.
Frank: Sheila.
Sheila: Frank, you're a good man, but you've got to find another place to stay.
[Sheila, Karen and Jody are at a PTA meeting for mentally disabled students and their parents]
PTA representative Kandage: Okay, listen up. Some of you have inquired about our petition. We have demanded that Lincoln Grove high school offer programs for special students to help them fit in with their classmates. [Applause]
Sheila: Aren't you glad we came?
Karen: Yeah.
PTA representative Kandage: Great, also concerning the "R" word, we have demanded a school policy forbidding students and faculty from using that word.
Jeremy: Retard.
PTA representative Kandage: Excuse me.
Jeremy: Retard. You can't even say it. So how do we talk about it?
PTA representative Kandage: We all know your opinion on this, Jeremy. But right now I'm the one speaking.
Jeremy: Brothers and sisters, words only have power if we give them power. We must take back the word "retard." Make it ours.
PTA representative Kandage: Sweetheart, the rest of us find the word offensive.
Jeremy: I'm not your sweetheart, bitch. [All attendees gasp]
Ability activist: Mrs. Kandage, I know you mean well, but many of us here think it's time that we reclaim and redefine the word. And since normies don't get called "retard," they don't have a say in this. Normies do not get a say.
Sheila: What's a "normie?"
Jody: I think it's slang for non-retards.
Jeremy: Hey, Fabio, do you mind?
Jody: Sorry.
PTA representative Kandage: I don't care how it's used. I don't want anybody calling my son that word ever. It's incredibly hurtful.
Father: Even if we did get rid of it, someone will just think up another way of saying it.
Black father: That's right. The queers took back their word. It's different.
Father: How is it different? It's not like race issues disappear if people stop saying nigger.
Black father: [Gets up and points to father] Shut the fuck up!
Father: I can say it, you can't.
Ability activist: Retards, we must ban together. The way to get respect is to take respect, and normies can help us get that message out. Raise your hand if you're with us!
Man: Yeah.
Jeremy: [Starts chant] Me-tard, you-tard, retard nation. [Entire PTA meeting joins in chanting]
Karen: I got your message.
Lip: The one where I told you to go fuck yourself?
Karen: It was nice to hear your voice. [Shows tattoo to Lip]
Lip: Eiffel Tower?
Karen: Yeah, this guy said he'd take me to Paris, so I had this done. But he took all my money and tried to sell me to a sheikh from Yemen. So, yeah, things got bad for a little while. But anyways, I'm- I'm home now.
Lip: That sounds shitty.
Veronica: [Walks past Patrick vomiting at his truck and goes into house] And who's that puking on his Timberlands?
Carl: Cousin Patrick. He's got nausea, shortness of breath, blood in urine, severe illness and death.
Veronica: What the hell are you reading?
Carl: [Holds up a box] Rat poison.
[Sheila is at an awareness campaign stand on a street]
Sheila: Hi! Hi! We are Retard Nation. Yeah, we're a local organization, but as the name suggests, we are going national. We're promoting the idea that people with Down's Syndrome need to reclaim their own identities in order to define themselves. So if you'd like to, you can make a donation or if you'd like to buy a t-shirt or just get signed--
Market manager: What the hell is this?!
Sheila: Well, we're a local organization, Retard Nation--
Market manager: Take it down now.
Sheila: Sir, I'm afraid I can't do that.
Market manager: Lady, you're not gonna stand in front of my market with this goddamn sign. Pack it up now or I'll do it, all right?
Sheila: Sir, we will not be intimidated by normies.
Market manager: By what?
Sheila: By normies.
Market manager: Goddamn it, get this crap out of here.
Sheila: Don't!
Market manager: All of it. Ma'am, I'm very sorry--
Sheila: Don't! Do not touch me in front of my market. This is hate speech. Get your hands off of me. [Chants] Me-tard, you-tard, retard nation.
Fiona: You know what I want? Not to win the lottery or go on vacation to the Caribbean. I want normal people problems. Like, am I getting enough fiber? Why did my friend say that insensitive thing about my weight?

Frank the Plumber [3.09]

Mandy: I don't understand.
Lip: You really don't get why I have a problem with this?
Mandy: No.
Lip: Really?
Mandy: No!
Lip: Ian, do you get why I have a problem with this?
Ian: Not getting in the middle.
Mandy: Why are you being such a dick about this? Those applications are 90 pages long. It took me forever to fill them out.
[Karen walks by them in the opposite direction]
Mandy: Walk. The fuck. Away.
Lip: Wow. You're--
Mandy: What? I'm what?
Lip: You're not my mother. You're not in charge of who I talk to or who has a picture of me on facebook. And you're sure as shit not in charge of if I go to college!
Mandy: You think he's right? Men are never right. That's why women were invented, To think for you assholes.
[Debbie is at Sheila's house when Fiona calls and Debbie answers]
Debbie: Jackson residence.
Fiona: Debbie, you were just supposed to drop liam there. Why aren't you at school? Are you sick?
Debbie: Uh, code pink.
Fiona: Monica's home?
Debbie: No, no, no. Code pink at sheila's. I'll explain later, okay?
Fiona: Fine, explain later. But you're in big trouble.
Sheila: What's a code pink?
Debbie: It's nothing. I was just trying to explain to Fiona Why I'm not at school. It's like a code word we have.
Debbie: Oh, no. What time is it?
Sheila: Are you skipping school because of me?
Debbie: I didn't want to go anyway. All anyone ever does is try to copy off me. But no one wants to sit with me at lunch. Everybody's mean. Middle school's stupid. Mean girls suck.
Sheila: My daughter's a mean girl. I don't know how it happened.
Debbie: It's not your fault.
Sheila: But I'm her mother.
Debbie: Hey, if how we turn out is all about how our mother is, then I'm pretty screwed, right?
[MIT meets Lip walking to his house]
Lip: Your insipid essay question asks me to tell you in 250 words about my most significant challenge in life. Honestly, it's hard to pick one. My guess is that you want to hear about my alcoholic father and my runaway mom or maybe about... you would eat that shit up. But those aren't my greatest challenges in life. An education system that pretends to be a meritocracy. My 4.6 GPA.
MIT scout: What would you want to study at MIT? Provided you could get past my well-meaning oblivion and the proximity of The Red Sox.
Lip: Robotics. But none of that undergrad filler bullshit. No 200-seat lectures taught by TAs. I just want the shit out in front of me.
MIT scout: The shit?
Lip: Yeah, the tools, you know, the toys, The stuff I can't get access to in my ghetto high school.
MIT scout: Why?
Lip: Because I'd like to hang out with C-3PO in my lifetime. And at the rate you're going, that shit's not gonna happen.
MIT scout: I'm not following. You don't want to go to classes, you just want to play in a lab.
Lip: I don't want to sit in a lecture that teaches me how to modify algorithms instead of think for myself.
MIT scout: And?
Lip: Okay, the people working the weaving machines in the 17th century, you know, they didn't see the steam engine coming. One invention: Industrial revolution. I mean, Encyclopedia Britannica didn't see Wikipedia coming. Great things don't happen in tiny little increments. You know, they happen when someone thinks completely differently. And all you geniuses, you just- you're just modifying algorithms.
MIT scout: C-3PO, huh?
Lip: That dude's a badass. You know, he's fluent in over 6 million forms of communication.
[Jimmy withdraws cash at an ATM when a girl comes up behind him pointing a pistol]
Mugger girl: Give me the money!
Jimmy: What the fuck?! What the fuck?!
Mugger girl: Give me your money!
Jimmy: Is that a toy gun?! [Mugger girl fires a shot in the air with Jimmy handing her the cash who then runs away and Jimmy starts repeatedly swinging a carseat on the road] Aah! Fuck! Fuck! Aah! Fuck you! Fuck you! Aah!
Beto: Get in. We drink.
Jimmy: Fuck! Oh, god damn it!
[Frank is walking past an alleyway bar]
Gay bar patron: Hey, faggot.
Frank: I am not a faggot. And I could sue you for the use of the word.
Gay bar patron: Whoa, Nellie. I'm on your side. Come on in. Let us buy you a drink. Come on. I'm not gonna bite-- Unless you ask me to.
Lip: You, um- you plagiarized Nelson Mandela.
Mandy: Who?
Lip: The MIT Application essay.
Mandy: Oh, you think I should have wrote it myself?
Lip: No. I think you shouldn't have Applied to colleges for me without asking me.
Mandy: I did ask you. I asked you, like, 100 times to get the applications in, And you ignored me.
Lip: For a reason.
Mandy: What reason, that you're an idiot? That you want to waste your life laying around In this shit-hole neighborhood forever? You have any idea how much stuff I had to steal and sell to pay those application fees? It was a huge pain in the ass, and I did it for you. So you could be a little bit nicer about it. You know, you might even want to say thank you.
Lip: Thank you. [They make passionate love]
Beto: Please tell your father I'm a big fan. It's truth, you see? What's truth? That you are no good for Fiona.
Jimmy: What the hell do you know?
Beto: I know you are not meant for this life. You are a rich boy, born with a silver spoon, eh? It's okay not to be ashamed. I am from the favela. Okay? And now I have silver spoon. You can go that way. But the other way? [Scoffs] That way is just misery. Bitter. Resent. [speaking Portuguese] It's better you should go now, before Fiona, and the kids get more, uh, what's the...?
Jimmy: Attached.
Beto: Attached, yes. Or before you and Fiona make a baby together. 'cause after a baby, Then it's misery, bitter, resent forever. Men, we need space to think. So walk, think. This time, I will not follow you.
Jimmy: Thanks, man.
Beto: Hey, but if you break any laws, I will chop off both your hands, eh?
Jimmy: I got it.
Lip: You use that Mandela speech in all the applications?
Mandy: No, mixed it up a little bit. Couple of dead presidents and some guy called "Gandy."
Mandy: Gandhi?
Lip: I don't get why you'd want me to go to MIT. You know, Boston's pretty far away.
Mandy: I thought maybe you'd take me with you, but--
Lip: But what?
Mandy: No one's ever been as good to me as you have. You're better than this neighborhood. You're better than anyone I've ever met. And you deserve to get out. Even if you don't take me with you. Which I never really thought you would anyway.
[Ian finds Mickey sitting in an abandoned building who throws a chunk near Ian]
Ian: So is it true? You're getting married? So who is it? Is it Angie Zahgo Or some other piece of trash you screw so you can pretend I don't matter to you?
Mickey: [Ian breaks off a chunk and throws it near chunk Mickey] Hey, what the fuck, Gallagher?!
Ian: Oh, he speaks! [Mickey walks out of building ignoring him] So that's it! We're over?! Your dad beats the shit out of us, and you're just gonna get married, no conversation?! Nothing?! [Ian grabs Mickey who turns to him]
Mickey: Get the fuck off me!
Ian: Oh, you want to fag bash? That make you feel like a man? Come on. Go ahead! Do it! [Mickey punches Ian in the gut slumping down] You love me... And you're gay. Just admit it, just this once. Just fucking admit it. [Mickey punches Ian in the face falling down flat] You feel better now? You feel like a man?
Mickey: I feel better now.
[Mickey comes across Mandy cleaning the blood and hair from Karen off the Milkovich car]
Mickey: What did you hit?
Mandy: A girl from school.
Mickey: [Pause] Make sure you check for hair behind the grill.

Civil Wrongs [3.10]

Debbie: I have red hair, freckles, and crooked teeth. Don't need any more character!

Order Room Service [3.11]

Ian: [After Frank takes the fall for Carl] What happened?
Lip: Hell froze over.

Survival Of the Fittest [3.12]

Kev: Hey, what can I say? Once you go white, you always stay tight. Hey, I think I just insulted myself.
Retrieved from "https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Shameless_(American_TV_series)/Season_3&oldid=3454704"