Wacky Races (1968 TV series)

Wacky Races is an American animated television series produced by Hanna-Barbera Productions (in association with Heatter-Quigley Productions). The series features 11 different cars racing against each other in various road rallies throughout North America, with each driver hoping to win the title of the "World's Wackiest Racer".

Theme Song

Narrator: And now, here they are! The most daredevil group of daffy drivers to ever whirl their wheels in the Wacky Races, competing for the title of the World's Wackiest Racer! The cars are approaching the starting line. First is the Turbo Terrific, driven by Peter Perfect. Next, Rufus Ruffcut and Sawtooth in the Buzz Wagon; maneuvering for position is the Army Surplus Special; right behind is the Ant Hill Mob in their Bulletproof Bomb. And there's ingenious inventor, Pat Pending, in his Convert-a-Car. Oh, and here's the lovely Penelope Pitstop, the Glamour Gal of the Gas Pedal. Next, we have the Bouldermobile with the Slag Brothers, Rock and Gravel. Lurching along is the Creepy Coupe with the Gruesome Twosome; and right on their tail is the Red Max. And there's the Arkansas Chug-a-Bug, with Luke and Blubber Bear. Sneaking along last is that Mean Machine with those double-dealing do-badders (Dastardly, twirling his moustache and facing the audience), Dick Dastardly and his sidekick, Muttley; and even now, they're up to some dirty trick! And they're off!... to a standing start. And why not? They've been chained to a post by shifty Dick Dastardly -- who shifts into the wrong gear. (The Mean Machine reverses into a lamp post) And away they go, on the Way-Out Wacky Races!

Dialogue

See-Saw to Arkansas [1.1a]

[First lines. We see the Wacky Racers driving through a rural place with The Slag Brothers are leading the way]

Narrator: Here are the Wacky Racers, strung out on the next lap of today's Wacky Race, which incidentally will take them on a gruelling zig-zag route to Mustard Spread, Arkansas, ha ha. (As he says this line, a zig-zaggy white line is drawn across the map until it reaches Mustard Spread. The map is soon shoved to the left with Dick Dastardly and Muttley in the Mean Machine) Attempting to gain the lead over the other contenders is that villainous Dick Dastardly, who would be no stone unturned to gain an advantage.

[The Mean Machine uses a tentacle power to throw the Boulder Mobile high into the sky, but the Boulder Mobile lands on the Mean Machine and breaks into rocks and stones. Then, the stones group together and spell out the episode title "SEE-SAW TO ARKANSAS". Then, they turn back into the Boulder Mobile with its drivers, Rock and Gravel Slag]

Narrator: Now at this moment, it's Number 1, the Slag Brothers, in first place. (The camera cuts to the Creepy Coupe which is being driven by the Gruesome Twosome) Number 2, the Creepy Coupe, is second... (Little Gruesome, the driver of the Creepy Coupe, switches to Dragon Power. Then, out of the Creepy Coupe's belfry comes a dragon; its head pops out the front while its tail pops out the back and wings pop out on the sides) ...but there they go into overdrive. (The camera cuts to the Red Max in the Crimson Haybaler who is flying up and down across the road) And now it's Number 4, the Red Max, making his move.

[The Crimson Haybaler flies across the Creepy Croupe and then the Boulder Mobile to take the lead]

The Red Max: Ha ha ha ha ha! (He lands on the road and flies again) Ha ha ha ha ha! (But then, the Crimson Haybaler flies off the cliff...) Ha ha ha ha ha! (...and plunges into the river below. Meanwhile, the other Wacky Racers drive across the bridge that spans the river)

---

[Dick Dastardly and Muttley are watching out for the Wacky Racers as Dastardly uses his binoculars]

Dick Dastardly: Drat! One of them turned off, but we'll stop the rest of them when we blast the pest. You plant the dynamite, Muttley... (Thumps Muttley and looks through his binoculars) And I'll give you the signal. (He laughs while Muttley thinks of something) What was that? (Muttley kisses his left-hand glove and giggles before whizzing off to work)

[Muttley goes over to a bit of road in between two rock formations, digs a hole, puts a stick of dynamite in the hole and rushes to the detonator. Meanwhile, the Wacky Races are coming along]

Dick Dastardly: Now!

[Muttley turns on the detonator, but the Bouldermobile, the Creepy Coupe and the Army Surplus Special drive over the stick of dynamite, making it unable to explode. Dastardly goes over to inspect it]

Dick Dastardly: Now, what went wrong?

[Muttley is confused by this, but he discovers that the wire was not connected properly. He connects the two bits of wire and the stick of dynamite explodes with Dastardly standing near it. Soon after, Dastardly is in a mess and rocks have fallen onto the road, making Muttley laugh. Dastardly extends his left arm and thumps Muttley on the head]

---

[The Ant Hill Mob, a group of dwarf-like gangsters led by Clyde and is composed of him, Ring-A-Ding, Rug Bug Benny, Mac, Danny, Kirby and Willy, are driving along the road in their car, the Bulletproof Bomb (7)]

Ring-a-Ding: Hey look, boss, there's a shack.

[They see a yellow cottage with a straw roof]

Clyde: Good. Duck the car behind it. It'll make a great hideout.

[The Bulletproof Bomb stops behind the cottage and the Ant Hill Mob run inside]

Clyde: Hey, what is this place? Seven hats and coats, seven chairs, seven little beds? (Turns to his comrades) Hey, you lugs. Do you know who lives here?

Ring-a-Ding: The Three Bears?

Clyde: No, you dum dum, the seven dwarfs. (He hears someone coming) Pipe down, somebody's comin'. Into the outfits, quick!

[The mob race off to get their outfits. Outside, Penelope Pitstop, the driver of the Compact Pussycat (5), has arrived]

Penelope: Oh, dear. I'm lost. (The camera cuts to inside the cottage) Yoo hoo in there! (Opens the door to the cottage) Anybody at home?

Clyde: There's nobody here but the seven dwarfs.

[The camera cuts to the Ant Hill mob who are now disguised as the Seven Dwarfs]

Penelope: Oh, how cute. Are you all really the Seven Dwarfs?

Clyde: Of course. (to his comrades) Make like seven dwarfs. (The Ant Hill Mob acts silly for several seconds) Okay, now what's your problem?

Penelope: Well, little old me got lost. Can y'all tell me where I can find the little old highway?

Clyde: Sure, little old you go straight a mile, then two miles left, then right, then left another mile, then another mile right, then left, then another left, and there you are.

Penelope: Oh, thanks, y'all. And say "Hi there" to the little old prince.

Clyde: We'll do that little old thing.

[Penelope leaves the cottage and closes the door]

Rug Bug Benny: Hey! Now she'll get ahead of us!

Clyde: Oh, yeah. If she follows my direction, she'll end up smack in the middle of the La Brea Tar Pits. Come on, back into the race.

[The Ant Hill Mob heads out of the cottage]

Clyde: Another car's coming. Quick, make like seven dwarfs.

[They start acting silly again as Dick Dastardly pulls up in the Mean Machine]

Clyde: [to Dastardly] We're the Seven Little Dwarfs.

Dick Dastardly: Well, I'm Snow White, so tell me where the highway is.

Clyde: Sure, you just make a sharp turn left.

Dick Dastardly: Thanks, Shorty. [giggles] You get it? Shorty? [drives off]

Clyde: Yeah. You're gonna get it!

[As informed, Dastardly makes a sharp turn left... into a mud pit. Meanwhile, the Ant Hill Mob, now in their normal attires, pull up beside the mud pit in the Bulletproof Bomb]

Dick Dastardly: What will I do? I'm stuck in the mud!

Clyde: Keep going! Maybe you'll strike oil!

[Clyde and the rest of the Ant Hill Mob laugh and drive off, leaving Dastardly to sink in the mud. Muttley laughs it off, too]

---

[At the finish line, the spectators are watching from the grandstands as a race official waves the chequered flag]

Narrator: Here they all come, racing for the finish line. (The camera cuts to the Wacky Racers) It's Number 2 in the lead, Number 10 second, Number 4 third, and 00 Dick Dastardly is passing them all! Now it's neck and neck! It looks like a photo finish!

Dick Dastardly: Did you say, "Photo finish?"

[The cars cross the finish line at a really fast pace, sending smoke everywhere as race official continues to wave the chequered flag]

Narrator: It is a photo finish! And in a few moments, folks, we'll have the picture. (Soon, the photo is revealed) And the winners are... Number 4 with Red Max; Second, Number 2, the Creepy Coupe, and third, Rufus Ruffcut. (The camera pans to the right side of the photo where Dick Dastardly and Muttley did a pose) And can you believe it? Dick Dastardly stopped to pose for his picture. Ho ho ho, the big him?

Dick Dastardly: (Laughs)

Muttley: (Snickers)

The Great Cold Rush Race [1.9b]

[Ice is blocking the view of the race, but an animation artist uses an ice scraper to remove it]

Narrator: At the halfway mark of the Wacky race, it's number 1 out in front, just ahead of Peter Perfect... (The camera cuts to the Army Surplus Special which is using its tractor-like wheels to carefully walk on the ice) ...The Surplus Six is treading on thin ice. (The camera cuts to the Bulletproof Bomb which is struggling across the ice) And spinning back into last place is the Ant Hill Mob.

Clyde: Alright, you mugs, slip on the ice skates. (His colleagues get out of the car to put on their ice skates)

[The Ant Hill Mob starts singing as they skate across the ice]

Clyde: (sings) Da, da, dee da, da, da-da, da daaaa... (Sees something up ahead) Yikes! (Screeches to a halt. We then see an abominable snowman standing in the road) It's an abominable snowman!

Abominable Snowman: (roars) Heh heh, go back, go back. (roars)

[The Ant Hill Mob starts going back the way they came. Meanwhile, Muttley has come to see the abominable snowman who is actually Dick Dastardly in disguise]

Dick Dastardly: Some scary disguise, eh, Muttley? (Laughs) We'll make 'em all go back!

Muttley: (Laughs)

[Penelope is driving down the hill in the Compact Pussycat]

Narrator: The Compact Pussycat is moving up now, flirting her way into second place.

[The camera cuts to the Abominable Snowman]

Abominable Snowman: (roars)

Penelope: Well, I do declare, a cute, little old, adorable snowman!

Abominable Snowman: You pronounce it "abominable"! (Roars) Go back!

Penelope: Sorry, but my brakes won't grip on this icy old road.

Abominable Snowman: Oh, no! (The Compact Pussycat hits him)

Penelope: Howdy, you just make the cutest radiator cap I ever did see.

[The abominable snowman looks back to see what is in the Compact Pussycat's path]

Abominable Snowman: Yikes! (He sees the edge of a cliff) Quick! Pull the emergency brake!

Penelope: Good idea. (Pulls the emergency brake and the car slows down, but the abominable snowman goes flying off and starts rolling downhill in the snow. He then gets caught in a giant snowball)

[Meanwhile, the Slag Brothers are driving along the road]

Narrator: Now that the Gravel Brothers are back in the race, they don't tend to be passed by a snowball.

[One of the brothers hits the snowball with his club and sends it flying. The Arkansas Chuggabug is driving along the road when the snowball hits it]

Luke: Ain't this the first snowflake I've ever seen, Blubber?

Blubber: (cowering)

'[Blubber picks up the snowball and throws it further back into the Army Surplus Special which flattens it]

Dick Dastardly: (from inside the flattened costume) Drat! (The Turbo Terrific and Compact Pussycat drive over him) Double drat! (He then gets up and sees Muttley driving the Mean Machine) Muttley, hit the brakes!

[Muttley applies the brakes, but the Mean Machine goes skidding and eventually stops. He then turns back to see that he has sent Dastardly into the snow]

Dick Dastardly: (with his face going red) Triple drat!

[Muttley snickers, but Dastardly throws a snowball in his face, making him mutter]

= Race Rally to Raleigh" [1.14b]

The Carlsbad or Bust Bash [1.17b]

[Final lines. The Mean Machine is still being chased by the boulder in and out of the tunnels in the cavern]

Narrator: Taking leave of Dick Dastardly, we rejoin the race... (The Wacky Racers drive out of Carlsbad Cavern) ...and here they come, streaking out of Carlsbad Cavern, heading for the finish line. Penelope Pitstop is in the lead, Red Max is closing fast, and the Slag Brothers are moving into third. (The camera cuts to the finish line as the Compact Pussycat crosses it first) And at the finish line, Car No. 5, the Compact Pussycat, is the winner! (The Crimson Haybaler crosses the finish line) Red Max in No. 4 goes into second place... (The Bouldermobile crosses the finish line) ...and the Bouldermobile, No. 1, is a smashing 3rd. (The other Wacky Races cross the finish line) All the other racers have finished... (The camera moves to inside Carlsbad Cavern, where the Mean Machine is still being chased by the boulder) ...except Dick Dastardly. Ha! There he is, behind the 8-ball.

Dick Dastardly: I hope we find our way out of here, in time for the next Wacky Race.

Muttley: (snickers)

Quotes from Unknown Episodes

Narrator: (laugh Ha Hoh What a Races Has Been)

Narrator: DICK DASTARDLY HAS NOT CROSS THE FINISH LINE!

Dick Dastardly: Drat! Double Drat! And Triple Drat!

Dick Dastardly: Drat! The Engine So Cold It Won't Start.

Dick Dastardly: TIMBER!.

Dick Dastardly: We Stopped Muttley! What's Wrong?

Penelope Pitstop: Oh Dear! And I Didn't Bring My Shower Cap.

---

Dick Dastardly: [to Muttley, of whom laughs after putting Dastardly in yet another predicament] One more snicker out of you, and I'll lease you out as winter headquarters for a flea circus!

---

Narrator: Is it cold, Rufus?

Rufus: You betcha! My hot rod just turned into a cold rod!

Penelope: Cold hands warm hearts, I always say.

Peter: Thank heavens for antifreeze.

[ice cubes are pouring out from the exhausts of Peter's Turbo Terrific]

Cast

Starring

Paul Winchell - Dick Dastardly Clyde Private Meekly

Janet Waldo - Penelope Pitstop

Dave Willock - Narrator

Also Starring -

Don Messick - Muttley Professor Pat Pending Gravel Slag Little Gruesome Ring A Ding Sawtooth

Daws Butler - Peter Perfect Rufus Ruffcut The Red Max Sergeant Blast Big Gruesome Rock Slag

John Stephenson - Lazy Luke Blubber Bear