What do you think?
Rate this book
Staying Connected To Your Teenager: How To Keep Them Talking To You And How To Hear What They're Really Saying
At last, a book of sage advice that will help frustrated parents reconnect with their teenager and keep that connection even in today's often-crazy world.The first step is realizing that inside every teen resides two very different people-the regressed child and the emergent adult. The emergent adult is seen at school, on the playing field, in his first job, and in front of his friends' families. Unfortunately, his parents usually see only the regressed child-moody and defiant-and, if they're not on the lookout, they'll miss seeing the more agreeable, increasingly adult thinker in their midst.With ingenious strategies for coaxing the more attractive of the two teen personalities into the home, family psychologist Mike Riera gives new hope to beleaguered and harried parents. From moving from a "managing" to a "consulting" role in a teen's life, from working with a teen's uniquely exasperating sleep rhythms to having real conversations when only monosyllables have been previously possible, Staying Connected to Your Teenager demonstrates ways to bring out the best in a teen-and, consequently, in an entire family.
224 pages, Paperback
First published March 27, 2003
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 39 reviews
August 16, 2015
This book is a helpful guide to understanding the confounding behavior of teens. It provides a much-needed reminder that the most valuable thing we can offer our teenage children is unwavering love and support as they navigate these tumultuous years—and we as parents deal with all the havoc they wreak upon our lives. Once our kids hit adolescence, our former parental role as manager of their lives must morph into more of a "consultant" role if we are to remain close to them. (This explains the sudden dejection I felt when my daughter seemingly "fired" me as her mom!) By becoming effective "consultants," we can stay connected with our teens, remain in the loop of their lives, and offer guidance and consistency when needed.
There is no magic bullet here, but Michael Riera offers a refreshing and reassuring perspective on parenting teenagers that includes many useful suggestions and examples of "connected" parenting in play. There is hope yet!
There is no magic bullet here, but Michael Riera offers a refreshing and reassuring perspective on parenting teenagers that includes many useful suggestions and examples of "connected" parenting in play. There is hope yet!
May 5, 2008
I think I am going to keep this on permanent re-reading loop for the next few years...
August 2, 2022
This took me months to finish. But there are some real wonderful nuggets in it!
December 19, 2021
Technically I read the revised version - this one stays on my professional “recommend” bookshelf!
December 21, 2016
Heavy on the pop-psychology, this book will nevertheless assist parents in understanding and raising their teenagers. All the major topics are covered and there is a lot of helpful advice from not only the author but also from teens themselves.
Currently reading
February 2, 2012A book you will keep on your nightstand throughout their teenage years.
February 24, 2018
What a fabulous resource to have. I found myself taking notes. Lots of notes! I borrowed it from the library but I definitely plan to buy it and re-read it as needed.
July 23, 2018
What started as a time-filler for business travel turned out to be one of the most relevant parenting book that I read in recent years. It is embarrassing to realize how many “common mistakes” I committed with my teens!
The book is filled with many practical, actionable tips. Save for 1-2 chapter probably more relevant to US context, I will recommend this to parents with different backgrounds and values. The simple truths advocated by the books :
- you presence and views matter to the teenagers (despite they may not react that way);
- prioritize connection with your teens so that you can make a difference in their life choices (relationships over rules and outcome).
The book is filled with many practical, actionable tips. Save for 1-2 chapter probably more relevant to US context, I will recommend this to parents with different backgrounds and values. The simple truths advocated by the books :
- you presence and views matter to the teenagers (despite they may not react that way);
- prioritize connection with your teens so that you can make a difference in their life choices (relationships over rules and outcome).
January 23, 2020
I like parenting books that have things you can try. Very good ideas, explanations, and suggestions, despite Chapter 6 (The Sexes Are Different, And This Is Good News!), which I found sexist and outdated, with comments like "males are better with spacial relationships, abstract thought, and in general are more task oriented -- really? Tell that to all the mothers who keep households running (juggling a multitude of tasks). And as someone with graduate degrees in syntactic theory, I know abstract thought is not a male domain. By the time I got through that chapter I felt like throwing the baby out with the bathwater, but am glad I didn't. The book is still a good resource.
November 2, 2014
Best book on teenagers I have found! While reading this book I kept thinking "YES! That's exactly my daughter!" It really helped me see how her behavior is normal, and helped me realize I needed to BACK OFF more and just let her be. No longer managing... just consulting. It's been a hard transition for me, and I'm still failing at times, but this book really helped me see that I was part of the problem between us!
January 9, 2016
Staying Connected to Your Teenager is a useful parenting book, as well as useful to simply remind oneself on how to nurture and foster strong relationships, that is, those connections that we deem a priority in one's life.
As Riera mentions, "relationships and connections matter" throughout our lives, a key is to be aware of who we are, as well as who the other is, and best foster a relationship through opportune connections.
It's a matter of lifelong learning.
As Riera mentions, "relationships and connections matter" throughout our lives, a key is to be aware of who we are, as well as who the other is, and best foster a relationship through opportune connections.
It's a matter of lifelong learning.
January 22, 2012
Excellent book that gave me practical strategies as I transitioned from being a mom of elementary children to pre-teens to teens. The book helped me refine my own parenting strategies-learning that I can't manage my older children anymore and must move to being more of a consultant. There are many, many strategies to use.
March 29, 2008
This book helped me raise Alex during the teen years. I can not say enough good things about this book. Every piece of advice was meaningful and even though sometimes counterintuitive, it always worked! I am so blessed to have stumbled upon this book.
December 29, 2018
I listened to the audiobook version, checked out from the library but I'm going to buy myself a paperback copy so I can reference sections as needed over the next few years. A valuable resource for parents of teens!
December 20, 2011
Great help for parents trying to understand and negotiate the trials and joys of parenting teenagers.
November 3, 2016
great book - took away a couple of gems and it's also very reassuring - all of this teenage stuff is normal
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 20, 2013
Very good info and insight into the teenage mind.
Read
February 11, 2016I read this from time to time to keep me grounded and to give some space to the "attitudes" I want to fight against.
September 14, 2023
Will be visiting this book again soon. Lots and lots of good information.
“From your teenager's perspective, like it or not, the whole world is about her.”
“Teenagers, on the other hand, regularly think outside the box, way outside the box, and the adults around them try to get them back (into the box while simultaneously trying not to destroy their creativity in the name of order.”
“The advantages of writing notes to your teenagers are twofold.
One, writing notes involves you more in your teenager's life. You are actively making observations and taking time to communicate them in a way that your teenager can take in. You are doing something concrete to strengthen your connection with your teenager. Two, you are respecting your teenager's world. You know he is self-conscious and defensive, so you write a note because it slips by the self-con sciousness and the defensiveness. You also give him the best oppor tunity to take in fully what you have written- he reads it in privacy somewhere, in his room or car.”
“In our country, there's an alarming trend for parents to expect their children to display above-average talents across the board. Average is no longer acceptable, which is more than just a little bit unfortunate for teenagers.”
“Until the brain finishes this growth spurt, teenagers' impulses are way ahead of their abilities to control them.”
“From your teenager's perspective, like it or not, the whole world is about her.”
“Teenagers, on the other hand, regularly think outside the box, way outside the box, and the adults around them try to get them back (into the box while simultaneously trying not to destroy their creativity in the name of order.”
“The advantages of writing notes to your teenagers are twofold.
One, writing notes involves you more in your teenager's life. You are actively making observations and taking time to communicate them in a way that your teenager can take in. You are doing something concrete to strengthen your connection with your teenager. Two, you are respecting your teenager's world. You know he is self-conscious and defensive, so you write a note because it slips by the self-con sciousness and the defensiveness. You also give him the best oppor tunity to take in fully what you have written- he reads it in privacy somewhere, in his room or car.”
“In our country, there's an alarming trend for parents to expect their children to display above-average talents across the board. Average is no longer acceptable, which is more than just a little bit unfortunate for teenagers.”
“Until the brain finishes this growth spurt, teenagers' impulses are way ahead of their abilities to control them.”
September 11, 2018
I enjoyed this book. His perspective makes sense, but I would not have otherwise seen it the same way without his citing studies, interviews with real live teenagers and parents and accessible explanations. The most important theme is that this is about connecting with your teenager, it is most emphatically not about getting them to do what you want. That was a reboot for me when I was reading it as I struggle to "lecture" and instruct my 12 year old and feel his attention slipping away.
January 1, 2021
Super readable, and super interesting. And if this guy *hasn't* spent hundreds of hours getting to know lots of real teenagers really well, he's doing a great job faking it. He makes a strong case that we may think we remember what it feels like to be that age, but we really don't.
I love the focus of the book - not focused how to change minds, or get teens to listen, or whatever, though there's a teeny bit of that - just how to get them to talk to you.
I love the focus of the book - not focused how to change minds, or get teens to listen, or whatever, though there's a teeny bit of that - just how to get them to talk to you.
May 17, 2021
Loved this book. I haven’t found or read many books about raising teenagers and this one is super helpful. I know that I need to bring up topics when my teenager is ready to what them, so I may need to set my alarm four 1am and come onto her bedroom for her to open up to me. Overall, patience, good communication and respect are key. I think every teenage parent should listen or read this book. I listed to the audiobook and the lessons and stories were helpful.
March 11, 2023
Easy to read and plenty of helpful tips. Many of the tips seem just like common sense and are easy to implement, but too often parents get caught up in life to step back and think about what works. When our kids are babies we read all kind of books on how to raise them, but we don’t seem to continue our learning about our kids as they get older. This book is a terrific book to refresh our parenting skills at a time when our kids might need it the most.
January 21, 2021
Thank you Yuen for recommending this book.
This book should be made a compulsory read for all parents with teenagers. I wish I had read it earlier but there is still time to make the connections with my sons. ;-)
I like what the author said, "You want to end your conversation on a note that starts an internal dialogue with her." That will probably put a lot of pressure for the parents to carry our a conversation with the children then. :-) Yet, it's worth trying to get them thinking, especially on integrity and moral dilemmas.
"When you pay the same attention to your connection as you do to limits and guidelines, everything becomes easier and more effective." This is a good reminder for all parents.
Strongly recommended!
This book should be made a compulsory read for all parents with teenagers. I wish I had read it earlier but there is still time to make the connections with my sons. ;-)
I like what the author said, "You want to end your conversation on a note that starts an internal dialogue with her." That will probably put a lot of pressure for the parents to carry our a conversation with the children then. :-) Yet, it's worth trying to get them thinking, especially on integrity and moral dilemmas.
"When you pay the same attention to your connection as you do to limits and guidelines, everything becomes easier and more effective." This is a good reminder for all parents.
Strongly recommended!
March 16, 2021
Ok this one was really useful. Yes, it stuck to the formula for the parenting category (lots of story-examples in between principles and tactics). But it's a fabulous thesis and really great tactical advice. Teens... good lord....
August 16, 2023
This book was fantastic. It was filled with so many ideas and insights to how teenagers are thinking (or not thinking). I now have better strategies on when and how to approach them in order to stay connected through the "difficult years." I highly recommend this book
January 13, 2018
Listen, listen and listen.
March 5, 2018
Extremely helpful..I recommend it.
February 18, 2020
I will likely revisit this when I feel the need for examples, ideas and reassurance.
January 1, 2022
I’ve had many things I’ve taken away from this. It helped me to see through a teenagers eyes, not just the parent. I highly recommend this for any parent of a preteen or teen!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 39 reviews