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275 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1991
EFL, by the way. Nobody sees the joke. English as a Foreign Language. No? Let me put it into a sentence: 'I'm teaching English as a Foreign Language.' Look, the point is, if that's how it's being taught, it's not surprising that most of our alumni can't buy a bus-ticket to Bayswater. Why don't they teach English as English, that's what I want to know.
The thing I remember from the Letters Page in those antique days was the way the OBs sign off. There was Yours faithfully, Yours sincerely, and I have the honour to be, sir, your obedient servant. But the ones I always looked for – and which I took to be the true sign of an Old Bastard – simply ended like this: Yours etc. And then the newspaper drew even more attention to the sign-off by printing it: Yours &c.Just brilliant, how he moves from irrational, hypertrophic hatred for little tics of his enemy-father's to completely unwarranted but hilarious etymological speculations—to unflattering self-revelation, and finally to semi-profound philosophical taxonomy. Oliver does this kind of thing all the time, and I think I shall re-read the book for his spit-take-inducing riffs alone. (Also very curious to see if his bloviating wit and romantic narcissism survive ten years' worth of aging intact, in the sequel, aptly titled Love, Etc.!
Yours &c. I used to muse about that. What did it mean? Where did it come from? I imagined some bespatted captain of industry dictating his OB’s views to his secretary for transmission to the Newspaper of Record which he doubtless referred to with jocund familiarity as ‘The Thunderer’. When his oratorical belch was complete, he would say, ‘Yours etc,’ which Miss ffffffolkes would automatically transcribe into, ‘I have the honour to be, sir, one of the distinguished Old Bastards who could send you the label off a tin of pilchards and you would still print it above this my name,’ or whatever, and then it would be, ‘Despatch this instanter to The Thunderer, Miss ffffffolkes.’
But one day Miss ffffffolkes was away giving a handjob to the Archbishop of York, so they sent a temp. And the temp wrote down Yours, etc, just as she heard it and The Times reckoned the OB captain of industry a very gusher of wit, but decided to add their own little rococo touch by compacting it further to &c , wherepon other OBs followed the bespatted lead of the captain of industry, who claimed all the credit for himself. There we have it: Yours &c .
Whereupon, as an ardent damp-ear of sixteen, I took to the parodic sign-off: Love, &c. Not all my correspondents unfailingly seized the reference, I regret to say. One demoiselle hastened her own de-accessioning from the museum of my heart by informing me with hauteur that use of the word etc., whether in oral communication or in carven prose, was common and vulgar. To which I replied, first, that ‘the word’ et cetera was not one but two words, and that the only common and vulgar thing about my letter – given the identity of its recipient – was affixing to it the word that preceded etc. Alack, she didn’t respond to this observation with the Buddhistic serenity one might have hoped.
Love, etc. The proposition is simple. The world divides into two categories: those who believe that the purpose, the function, the bass pedal and principal melody of life is love, and that everything else – everything else – is merely an etc.; and those, those unhappy many, who believe primarily in the etc. of life, for whom love, however agreeable, is but a passing flurry of youth, the pattering prelude to nappy-duty, but not something as solid, steadfast and reliable as, say, home decoration. This is the only division between people that counts.