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Pretending
WHY BE YOURSELF WHEN YOU CAN BE PERFECT?
'Perceptive. Hilarious. Reassuring. Brilliant.' Laura Jane Williams
The highly-anticipated new novel from Holly Bourne, bestselling author of HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?
He said he was looking for a 'partner in crime' which everyone knows is shorthand for 'a woman who isn't real'.
April is kind, pretty, and relatively normal - yet she can't seem to get past date five. Every time she thinks she's found someone to trust, they reveal themselves to be awful, leaving her heartbroken. And angry.
If only April could be more like Gretel.
Gretel is exactly what men want - she's a Regular Everyday Manic Pixie Dream Girl Next Door With No Problems.
The problem is, Gretel isn't real. And April is now claiming to be her.
As soon as April starts 'being' Gretel, dating becomes much more fun - especially once she reels in the unsuspecting Joshua.
Finally, April is the one in control, but can she control her own feelings? And as she and Joshua grow closer, how long will she be able to keep pretending?
'Perceptive. Hilarious. Reassuring. Brilliant.' Laura Jane Williams
The highly-anticipated new novel from Holly Bourne, bestselling author of HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?
He said he was looking for a 'partner in crime' which everyone knows is shorthand for 'a woman who isn't real'.
April is kind, pretty, and relatively normal - yet she can't seem to get past date five. Every time she thinks she's found someone to trust, they reveal themselves to be awful, leaving her heartbroken. And angry.
If only April could be more like Gretel.
Gretel is exactly what men want - she's a Regular Everyday Manic Pixie Dream Girl Next Door With No Problems.
The problem is, Gretel isn't real. And April is now claiming to be her.
As soon as April starts 'being' Gretel, dating becomes much more fun - especially once she reels in the unsuspecting Joshua.
Finally, April is the one in control, but can she control her own feelings? And as she and Joshua grow closer, how long will she be able to keep pretending?
438 pages, Hardcover
First published April 2, 2020
About the author
Holly Bourne
26 books5,865 followersHolly started her writing career as a news journalist, where she was nominated for Best Print Journalist of the Year. She then spent six years working as an editor, a relationship advisor, and general ‘agony aunt’ for a youth charity – helping young people with their relationships and mental health.
Inspired by what she saw, she started writing teen fiction, including the best-selling, award-winning ‘Spinster Club’ series which helps educate teenagers about feminism. When she turned thirty, Holly wrote her first adult novel, 'How Do You Like Me Now?', examining the intensified pressures on women once they hit that landmark.
Alongside her writing, Holly has a keen interest in women’s rights and is an advocate for reducing the stigma of mental health problems. She’s helped create online apps that teach young people about sexual consent, works with Women’s Aid to spread awareness of abusive relationships, and runs Rethink’s mental health book club.
Inspired by what she saw, she started writing teen fiction, including the best-selling, award-winning ‘Spinster Club’ series which helps educate teenagers about feminism. When she turned thirty, Holly wrote her first adult novel, 'How Do You Like Me Now?', examining the intensified pressures on women once they hit that landmark.
Alongside her writing, Holly has a keen interest in women’s rights and is an advocate for reducing the stigma of mental health problems. She’s helped create online apps that teach young people about sexual consent, works with Women’s Aid to spread awareness of abusive relationships, and runs Rethink’s mental health book club.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,259 reviews
May 29, 2021
So you pretend, a lot, that you’re fine. That you’re like the other girls. But … maybe you are pretending to be a woman everyone else is pretending to be too?
I'm giving this book 4 stars and I'm probably going to be starting another Holly Bourne book very soon, but I have to say this one made me feel... not good. Quite depressed, actually. I would not recommend this for those struggling with either depression or the aftermath of sexual assault.
This gave me Fleabag vibes, but it also made me sadder than that show ever did. In many ways, Pretending could almost be a sequel to Bourne's The Places I've Cried in Public with April being Amelie now in her thirties and finding romantic relationships impossible because of her past trauma. Viewing men and dating through her eyes was a harrowing experience.
The first line of the book is "I hate men", but the author is Holly Bourne so this is no casual adventure into misandry. We soon see exactly why April hates men, from her own personal experiences to her job working for a sex and relationships charity where the emails from girls assaulted by their boyfriends are near constant.
Despite her claims, April doesn't really hate men. Or, at least, she really doesn't want to. But her many failed relationships and dates have led her to believe the worst-- that men are looking for something unattainable, expecting women to play a role, pretend, to fit in with their idea of what a woman should be. So April decides to go for it. Switch off April and become Gretel, a fun, easy-going, beer-drinking, never-nagging kind of girlfriend. She's basically Gillian Flynn's "cool girl".
You can probably imagine how well this super healthy coping mechanism goes.
Being inside April's head really hurt sometimes. I know it's a mark of a good author when they can fully drag you inside their character's skin, but I was close to suffocating in there. I felt her pain and frustration, her sadness and her anger. Even the light at the end of this very bleak tunnel feels like it could be a train.
I don't want a sequel because I don't think there's a whole other book left in this arc, but I would have liked to have known more about what happened to a few of the characters.
May 20, 2021
Okay. I’m confused. I’m going back and forth between two opinions:
Yes I liked what I read: I enjoyed this book’s feminism message, the approach to the sensitive issues including sexual assault, feeling inferior, not deserved to be loved or cared, being stranger in your own body. And let’s not forget I truly loved the heroine and i ached for her and the things she’s been getting through.
But... why is this book so similar with our works of the author? As soon as I started this one, I thought this is republished with a new name (yes, I exactly thought at some parts I was rereading “ the places I’ve cried in public” ) So my reading experience turned into something confusing with tons of deja vu moments!
I couldn’t differentiate the characters or storylines with the other book she’s written. Don’t get me wrong, I’m great fan of her works and I honestly enjoy her broken but strong women characters’ self discovery stories. But I wished to see something original, unique.
Let’s go back to talk about the story-line to draw a clearer picture :
April is tired of men, actually she hates men and after what she’s been through her traumatic experience and still dealing with her invisible mental scars, it’s normal to feel like that. Her ex-boyfriend assaulted her sexually and now she hardly forms longtime relationship with a man, not even passing date five.
So she gets hopeless to find a man she can trust. Instead of looking for the guy: she starts working on different solution. She thinks if she creates a brand new persona; nobody could hurt her. She is gonna be cool, pixy girl next door Gretel. Pretending is harmless, fun. She feels like she’s wearing bulletproof steel vest. Nobody can break her heart again.
And her plan works: she starts dating Joshua! Her five date curse is already broken. But what if she doesn’t need to pretend from the beginning and Joshua is the one she can honestly trust and fall for?
Well, as I mentioned before I resonated wholeheartedly with April and her back story hurt my heart but pretending idea to find her true love seemed like wrong move for me from the beginning but I understand the character’s insecurities, inner fight with her heart wrenching, extremely traumatic experience and fears to trust someone. I didn’t approve her choice to act like somebody else but I understand her choice.
Overall: even there are so many similarities with the author’s previous works, I loved the thought provoking, emotional, meaningful approach of the author. And I truly connected with her heroine. So I’m cutting some points and I’m still rounding up 3.5 stars to 4 poignant, promising stars because I still liked what I read and it touched my heart and soul at the same time.
Special thanks to NetGalley and HARLEQUIN/ Mira for sharing this digital copy of incredible book with me in exchange my honest opinions.
Yes I liked what I read: I enjoyed this book’s feminism message, the approach to the sensitive issues including sexual assault, feeling inferior, not deserved to be loved or cared, being stranger in your own body. And let’s not forget I truly loved the heroine and i ached for her and the things she’s been getting through.
But... why is this book so similar with our works of the author? As soon as I started this one, I thought this is republished with a new name (yes, I exactly thought at some parts I was rereading “ the places I’ve cried in public” ) So my reading experience turned into something confusing with tons of deja vu moments!
I couldn’t differentiate the characters or storylines with the other book she’s written. Don’t get me wrong, I’m great fan of her works and I honestly enjoy her broken but strong women characters’ self discovery stories. But I wished to see something original, unique.
Let’s go back to talk about the story-line to draw a clearer picture :
April is tired of men, actually she hates men and after what she’s been through her traumatic experience and still dealing with her invisible mental scars, it’s normal to feel like that. Her ex-boyfriend assaulted her sexually and now she hardly forms longtime relationship with a man, not even passing date five.
So she gets hopeless to find a man she can trust. Instead of looking for the guy: she starts working on different solution. She thinks if she creates a brand new persona; nobody could hurt her. She is gonna be cool, pixy girl next door Gretel. Pretending is harmless, fun. She feels like she’s wearing bulletproof steel vest. Nobody can break her heart again.
And her plan works: she starts dating Joshua! Her five date curse is already broken. But what if she doesn’t need to pretend from the beginning and Joshua is the one she can honestly trust and fall for?
Well, as I mentioned before I resonated wholeheartedly with April and her back story hurt my heart but pretending idea to find her true love seemed like wrong move for me from the beginning but I understand the character’s insecurities, inner fight with her heart wrenching, extremely traumatic experience and fears to trust someone. I didn’t approve her choice to act like somebody else but I understand her choice.
Overall: even there are so many similarities with the author’s previous works, I loved the thought provoking, emotional, meaningful approach of the author. And I truly connected with her heroine. So I’m cutting some points and I’m still rounding up 3.5 stars to 4 poignant, promising stars because I still liked what I read and it touched my heart and soul at the same time.
Special thanks to NetGalley and HARLEQUIN/ Mira for sharing this digital copy of incredible book with me in exchange my honest opinions.
January 30, 2022
Note: I received a free copy of this book, in exchange here is my honest review.
🛑Trigger Warning: this book is primarily about sexual assault and the fall-out/recovery/aftermath. Readers should be aware of this content before picking this up.🛑 Now that’s out of the way, this book definitely started out rough. 😬 But as things got rolling, I found myself interested and intrigued by April/Gretel and her journey. I loved the boxing group and the Dawson references. While the content can be difficult to read, I enjoyed the story overall. 👍
Thank you @goodreads @hollybourneya and @harpercollins #goodreadsgiveaway
🛑Trigger Warning: this book is primarily about sexual assault and the fall-out/recovery/aftermath. Readers should be aware of this content before picking this up.🛑 Now that’s out of the way, this book definitely started out rough. 😬 But as things got rolling, I found myself interested and intrigued by April/Gretel and her journey. I loved the boxing group and the Dawson references. While the content can be difficult to read, I enjoyed the story overall. 👍
Thank you @goodreads @hollybourneya and @harpercollins #goodreadsgiveaway
November 12, 2021
Starting off, I need to put a trigger warning. If you have difficulty reading about sexual assault/rape, then this is absolutely not the book for you. I have not personally experienced this myself, but many parts of this book are so raw and real that it made me uncomfortable and in pain for those who have.
Overall, there are many things about this book I liked and yet again many that I didn't like. I have never read a book by Holly Bourne before, this was an interesting introduction to her works and I'd like to see what else she writes.
I ached for all that April had gone through in her past and was really rooting for her to get help and learn how to move forward in her pain. I loved the boxing group she joined and easily those were the best parts of the book for me. Her relationship with her flatmate and her co-workers was great and I liked learning about her job.
What I didn't care for: Someone needed to take April by the hand and tell her bluntly that she needed to see a therapist. I felt like her friends and co-workers were mostly enabling her to remain mired in her trauma and not learn how to put some of those broken pieces back together again. This book is a feminist rant at times, sometimes going on for pages and pages about how terrible and awful and un-redeemable men are. This was occasionally humorous and I did nod in agreement with some of her assessments. But some of the problems that April had with men needed to be put squarely back upon April herself (thus therapy)--namely her poor choices in partners and being completely unable to advocate for herself, her needs, and her boundaries (of which she had pretty much none). After countless times of the descriptions of her being uncomfortable/unfulfilled/angered/etc. with her sexual encounters, she still stayed the night (albeit going and crying in the bathroom half the night). Why? Why not just draw the line and leave and say "no thank you, this isn't working for me." To on one hand condemn the behavior of the men and yet on the other hand pretend to tolerate it is so hypocritical.
By the end, April does make some progress, but even at that point, she still has a nearly entirely negative view of men overall. And as I've been married for 24 years to a great guy and am raising a 22 year old son who cares for and respects women, I can't jump on board with this "all men are assholes" bandwagon. Are there awful men out there? Of course! But this book paints much to wide a swath of the horror without a decent amount of balance.
This book has a great deal of food for thought and discussion, and I hope that it can open doors for women to learn about being more forthright and honest in relationships rather than pretending that everything is "fiiiiinnnne" despite feeling the absolute opposite.
I voluntarily reviewed a complimentary copy of this book, all opinions are my own.
Overall, there are many things about this book I liked and yet again many that I didn't like. I have never read a book by Holly Bourne before, this was an interesting introduction to her works and I'd like to see what else she writes.
I ached for all that April had gone through in her past and was really rooting for her to get help and learn how to move forward in her pain. I loved the boxing group she joined and easily those were the best parts of the book for me. Her relationship with her flatmate and her co-workers was great and I liked learning about her job.
What I didn't care for: Someone needed to take April by the hand and tell her bluntly that she needed to see a therapist. I felt like her friends and co-workers were mostly enabling her to remain mired in her trauma and not learn how to put some of those broken pieces back together again. This book is a feminist rant at times, sometimes going on for pages and pages about how terrible and awful and un-redeemable men are. This was occasionally humorous and I did nod in agreement with some of her assessments. But some of the problems that April had with men needed to be put squarely back upon April herself (thus therapy)--namely her poor choices in partners and being completely unable to advocate for herself, her needs, and her boundaries (of which she had pretty much none). After countless times of the descriptions of her being uncomfortable/unfulfilled/angered/etc. with her sexual encounters, she still stayed the night (albeit going and crying in the bathroom half the night). Why? Why not just draw the line and leave and say "no thank you, this isn't working for me." To on one hand condemn the behavior of the men and yet on the other hand pretend to tolerate it is so hypocritical.
By the end, April does make some progress, but even at that point, she still has a nearly entirely negative view of men overall. And as I've been married for 24 years to a great guy and am raising a 22 year old son who cares for and respects women, I can't jump on board with this "all men are assholes" bandwagon. Are there awful men out there? Of course! But this book paints much to wide a swath of the horror without a decent amount of balance.
This book has a great deal of food for thought and discussion, and I hope that it can open doors for women to learn about being more forthright and honest in relationships rather than pretending that everything is "fiiiiinnnne" despite feeling the absolute opposite.
I voluntarily reviewed a complimentary copy of this book, all opinions are my own.
October 23, 2021
You'll love this book if you like:
• lacking plot
• thin white feminism
• subtle fatphobia
• flat characters
• unconvincing relationships
• selfish irritating protagonists
• clichés
• holly bourne's other adult book, because this feels like the same book?? I genuinely can't differentiate the two. the protagonists were the same people.
this book made me mad. it tries to be powerful and meaningful but it falls by the wayside. I didn't believe any of the relationships and I couldn't fucking bear April/Gretel. she's a shitty person regardless of her past drama, and there is no character development. she's still shitty and annoying and selfish and hypocritical at the end.
I'm done with holly bourne now, I'm afraid. this is the second book by her that I've hated so I think that's a good sign that we're not compatible.
• lacking plot
• thin white feminism
• subtle fatphobia
• flat characters
• unconvincing relationships
• selfish irritating protagonists
• clichés
• holly bourne's other adult book, because this feels like the same book?? I genuinely can't differentiate the two. the protagonists were the same people.
this book made me mad. it tries to be powerful and meaningful but it falls by the wayside. I didn't believe any of the relationships and I couldn't fucking bear April/Gretel. she's a shitty person regardless of her past drama, and there is no character development. she's still shitty and annoying and selfish and hypocritical at the end.
I'm done with holly bourne now, I'm afraid. this is the second book by her that I've hated so I think that's a good sign that we're not compatible.
December 31, 2020
Rounded up from 2.5 stars.
Holly Bourne should be applauded for writing a book which tackles sensitive and triggering topics with absolute raw and honest emotion. I enjoyed reading the book but for me, it missed the mark in a few areas.
Things I enjoyed about Pretending: I enjoyed the imagery Bourne uses. I enjoyed the claustrophobic London in a heat wave setting, reflecting the anger that burns inside April. I enjoyed the cultural references that made April relatable to most late twenties/ early thirties females (The OC and Harry Potter being my favourite. It has also made me decide to finally watch Dawson’s Creek). I enjoyed the easy tone. I enjoyed April’s growth from an apathetic, moany woman to a self-aware, strong woman. I enjoyed the boxing classes. I enjoyed the character of Joshua.
Things I did not enjoy: the anaphora used in April’s diary-entry like sections.
**SPOILERS**
There were two things that I wanted to happen when I started reading the book. Firstly, I hoped that April would learn to not hate all men. Secondly, I hoped that she would become happy and that this happiness would not rely on a man. Whilst April admits towards the end that she doesn’t hate all men, in reality, she just doesn’t hate Joshua. I feel that the representation of 99.9% of all men in the novel being devoid of emotion is damaging and bordering on misandrist. I understand that April’s character is incredibly vulnerable and has suffered huge amounts because men. In this way, I understand that she hates men at the start and as she embarks on this recovery, she loses some of the anger and hatred she feels. However, this does not mean that Megan’s boyfriend has to be horrible, Neil has to be an inconsiderate tw*t, Chrissie’s husband has to have an inability to show affection and every other woman in the book has to generally think men are utterly shit. Apart from Matt, because he’s gay. And Joshua, of course. If women can absorb by osmosis how she ‘should behave’, then surely, likewise, men can absorb by osmosis how they are expected to behave. These depictions of men as heartless, thoughtless and insensitive that are abundant in the media, I feel, help to perpetuate the toxic masculinity that is so damaging for both females and males.
At points Pretending is almost unbearably didactic. Some parts read like they’re supposed to be a beginners guide to feminism; in particular, the scene where April argues with Neil about the ‘rape spectrum’ seems to be forced down the reader’s throat, without any real attempt of discussion of anyone else in the party (even though if April follows her own argument, Simon changing to doggy style without her consent is equal to Ryan raping her. I entirely agree that nobody has the right to allocate how ‘damaging’ any kind of assault or abuse is- I just didn’t quite understand the message behind the spectrum). And yet, the novel ends with a patriarchal prince sweeping the damsel in distress off her feet. I really, really wish April could have been happy without a man. It seems to be her encounters with Joshua that make her realise how much she needs help. This, I feel, entirely undermines the feminist message.
This book will be incredibly important for some women and I commend Bourne no end for that.
Holly Bourne should be applauded for writing a book which tackles sensitive and triggering topics with absolute raw and honest emotion. I enjoyed reading the book but for me, it missed the mark in a few areas.
Things I enjoyed about Pretending: I enjoyed the imagery Bourne uses. I enjoyed the claustrophobic London in a heat wave setting, reflecting the anger that burns inside April. I enjoyed the cultural references that made April relatable to most late twenties/ early thirties females (The OC and Harry Potter being my favourite. It has also made me decide to finally watch Dawson’s Creek). I enjoyed the easy tone. I enjoyed April’s growth from an apathetic, moany woman to a self-aware, strong woman. I enjoyed the boxing classes. I enjoyed the character of Joshua.
Things I did not enjoy: the anaphora used in April’s diary-entry like sections.
**SPOILERS**
There were two things that I wanted to happen when I started reading the book. Firstly, I hoped that April would learn to not hate all men. Secondly, I hoped that she would become happy and that this happiness would not rely on a man. Whilst April admits towards the end that she doesn’t hate all men, in reality, she just doesn’t hate Joshua. I feel that the representation of 99.9% of all men in the novel being devoid of emotion is damaging and bordering on misandrist. I understand that April’s character is incredibly vulnerable and has suffered huge amounts because men. In this way, I understand that she hates men at the start and as she embarks on this recovery, she loses some of the anger and hatred she feels. However, this does not mean that Megan’s boyfriend has to be horrible, Neil has to be an inconsiderate tw*t, Chrissie’s husband has to have an inability to show affection and every other woman in the book has to generally think men are utterly shit. Apart from Matt, because he’s gay. And Joshua, of course. If women can absorb by osmosis how she ‘should behave’, then surely, likewise, men can absorb by osmosis how they are expected to behave. These depictions of men as heartless, thoughtless and insensitive that are abundant in the media, I feel, help to perpetuate the toxic masculinity that is so damaging for both females and males.
At points Pretending is almost unbearably didactic. Some parts read like they’re supposed to be a beginners guide to feminism; in particular, the scene where April argues with Neil about the ‘rape spectrum’ seems to be forced down the reader’s throat, without any real attempt of discussion of anyone else in the party (even though if April follows her own argument, Simon changing to doggy style without her consent is equal to Ryan raping her. I entirely agree that nobody has the right to allocate how ‘damaging’ any kind of assault or abuse is- I just didn’t quite understand the message behind the spectrum). And yet, the novel ends with a patriarchal prince sweeping the damsel in distress off her feet. I really, really wish April could have been happy without a man. It seems to be her encounters with Joshua that make her realise how much she needs help. This, I feel, entirely undermines the feminist message.
This book will be incredibly important for some women and I commend Bourne no end for that.
May 20, 2020
When I started this review I gave the book 3 stars but by the end I had to bring it down to 2. Sorry in advance for how long this is lol
Firstly, this book needs to be HEAVILY trigger warned for rape. Both in the sense of the word being thrown around very casually and also with how April’s triggers and trauma are described and remembered multiple times in the story without any warning or preparation.
Secondly, April seems a lot like a radical feminist with an obsession for men which as you can imagine, is extremely contradicting. I completely understand her hate for men, given what she’s been through, but the problem lies in the writing. Almost every woman in the book is either married or fixated on finding a man either for herself or another woman. My question is why? How progressive can this book possibly be when April who starts the book with “I hate men.” ends it with “I hate some men.” just because one changed her opinion? or with April’s best friend who was hailed as a woman that was living happily without a man in her life, ends up going out to seek a one night stand and gets her heart broken a few weeks down the line, bringing her back to where she was before she decided to swear off men. Another example being at the end of the book, when April’s friend gets married and her husband gives a terrible speech which leads to wife realising she probably made a mistake marrying him but does nothing about it. just adding to the overall theme of passive women that Pretending seems to have. The book just seems to be a hugeee projection from the writer which isn’t a problem but it isn’t great either.
Thirdly, I have a very serious problem with how this writer has explained April’s trauma recovery. While I understand April’s desire to remain promiscuous as a way of proving that her rapist hasn’t taken everything from her, almost every time April has sex, it triggers her and she continues the intercourse without saying she wants to stop. it’s essentially dubious consent and very concerning because it seems more like a form of self harm than liberation. Its hard to read and can be extremely traumatising for victims of sexual assault who may have opened this book and seen no trigger warnings. April’s job at the charity also seems like a form of emotional self harm. Every time a question comes through about a similar situation to hers, it pushes her progress and recovery ten steps back. Yet she does it anyway to feel like she’s helping.
Another problem was that, realistically, April’s idea of revenge against men was not only extremely childish but also very VERY dangerous. As a lot impressionable girls and women may read this book so I find it pretty irresponsible of the writer to have this character find liberation in creating a false identity, meeting up with a man met through a dating website multiple times and going home with him without knowing much about him or letting anyone know her whereabouts in case of an emergency. As the writers continuously tells us how horrible and dangerous men are, I find it really confusing that April is put in situations that could get her in trouble or worse, killed. Especially with the grand reveal of April’s identity... its naive to think that any man would react as calmly as Joshua did to April’s secret. I feel like I’m droning on at this point but long story short someone reading this may try and do something similar to April and could end up in a really bad situation. very irresponsible writing
My final criticism is that with a story like this, being a white woman can only tell so much of this story that many other women (especially women of colour face). Holly Bourne is notorious for writing white feminism stories and as a younger girl, my appreciation for women’s representation blinded the lack of diversity and range that this writer has. As far as i know there’s no POC or LGBTQ+ characters in this book at all which is... concerning to say the least. I think April’s boxing club would’ve been a great way of delving into different women’s experiences with men, how different races and genders are treated in the online dating pool (fetishising, colourism, homophobia and transphobia etc) and also how they were all treated and taken care of after their rape. This book had every opportunity to focus on April’s recovery, self perception and confidence as a woman without needing a man and yet it didn’t. One of the most important parts of April’s story (The girls from the boxing club and finally getting more intensive therapy) was completely sidelined by the rushed and unrealistic happy ending for April and Joshua. The ending basically erases everything that April felt throughout the book because now that she’s happily in a relationship, nothing else seems to matter
Despite all of these criticisms, I really enjoyed how the readers can understand and relate to the experience of relationships online dating in the modern world. Despite April’s pessimistic take on it all, some monologues were painfully accurate. I like majority of the writing and how realistic certain aspects of the book were but theres so much that went wrong in the book unfortunately. With me being a black socially conscious almost 20 year old gender-fluid person, i doubt i’ll be reading another Holly Bourne book anytime soon :/
Firstly, this book needs to be HEAVILY trigger warned for rape. Both in the sense of the word being thrown around very casually and also with how April’s triggers and trauma are described and remembered multiple times in the story without any warning or preparation.
Secondly, April seems a lot like a radical feminist with an obsession for men which as you can imagine, is extremely contradicting. I completely understand her hate for men, given what she’s been through, but the problem lies in the writing. Almost every woman in the book is either married or fixated on finding a man either for herself or another woman. My question is why? How progressive can this book possibly be when April who starts the book with “I hate men.” ends it with “I hate some men.” just because one changed her opinion? or with April’s best friend who was hailed as a woman that was living happily without a man in her life, ends up going out to seek a one night stand and gets her heart broken a few weeks down the line, bringing her back to where she was before she decided to swear off men. Another example being at the end of the book, when April’s friend gets married and her husband gives a terrible speech which leads to wife realising she probably made a mistake marrying him but does nothing about it. just adding to the overall theme of passive women that Pretending seems to have. The book just seems to be a hugeee projection from the writer which isn’t a problem but it isn’t great either.
Thirdly, I have a very serious problem with how this writer has explained April’s trauma recovery. While I understand April’s desire to remain promiscuous as a way of proving that her rapist hasn’t taken everything from her, almost every time April has sex, it triggers her and she continues the intercourse without saying she wants to stop. it’s essentially dubious consent and very concerning because it seems more like a form of self harm than liberation. Its hard to read and can be extremely traumatising for victims of sexual assault who may have opened this book and seen no trigger warnings. April’s job at the charity also seems like a form of emotional self harm. Every time a question comes through about a similar situation to hers, it pushes her progress and recovery ten steps back. Yet she does it anyway to feel like she’s helping.
Another problem was that, realistically, April’s idea of revenge against men was not only extremely childish but also very VERY dangerous. As a lot impressionable girls and women may read this book so I find it pretty irresponsible of the writer to have this character find liberation in creating a false identity, meeting up with a man met through a dating website multiple times and going home with him without knowing much about him or letting anyone know her whereabouts in case of an emergency. As the writers continuously tells us how horrible and dangerous men are, I find it really confusing that April is put in situations that could get her in trouble or worse, killed. Especially with the grand reveal of April’s identity... its naive to think that any man would react as calmly as Joshua did to April’s secret. I feel like I’m droning on at this point but long story short someone reading this may try and do something similar to April and could end up in a really bad situation. very irresponsible writing
My final criticism is that with a story like this, being a white woman can only tell so much of this story that many other women (especially women of colour face). Holly Bourne is notorious for writing white feminism stories and as a younger girl, my appreciation for women’s representation blinded the lack of diversity and range that this writer has. As far as i know there’s no POC or LGBTQ+ characters in this book at all which is... concerning to say the least. I think April’s boxing club would’ve been a great way of delving into different women’s experiences with men, how different races and genders are treated in the online dating pool (fetishising, colourism, homophobia and transphobia etc) and also how they were all treated and taken care of after their rape. This book had every opportunity to focus on April’s recovery, self perception and confidence as a woman without needing a man and yet it didn’t. One of the most important parts of April’s story (The girls from the boxing club and finally getting more intensive therapy) was completely sidelined by the rushed and unrealistic happy ending for April and Joshua. The ending basically erases everything that April felt throughout the book because now that she’s happily in a relationship, nothing else seems to matter
Despite all of these criticisms, I really enjoyed how the readers can understand and relate to the experience of relationships online dating in the modern world. Despite April’s pessimistic take on it all, some monologues were painfully accurate. I like majority of the writing and how realistic certain aspects of the book were but theres so much that went wrong in the book unfortunately. With me being a black socially conscious almost 20 year old gender-fluid person, i doubt i’ll be reading another Holly Bourne book anytime soon :/
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 14, 2022
Granted, this book undeniably has very strong similarities to another book by the author ("The Places I've Cried in Public" which I also wholeheartedly adored), but the way Holly Bourne writes women that have been through a lot yet are extremely resilient gets me every time
February 25, 2021
Let me begin by saying at this point I think I maybe deserve some sort of honorary British citizenship because if a book is set in London there’s about a 98.7% chance I’m going to love it . . . .
Now that that is out of my system we can get on with the book. Ever since her last relationship ended, April has found herself unlucky in love. She doesn’t have a problem getting dates – she just has a problem getting past date five, or more particularly, the sex. And when her latest attempt at romance fails? Well . . . .
Lucky for everyone, she just rages out in her journal and by doing so she starts to think the problem is with who April is as a person. Someone who is open and honest and shares her history and when asked what she does for a living doesn’t hesitate to disclose that her job is a hard one working for a crisis help center where she has to take shifts responding to some seriously triggering subject matter. But the dudes don’t want to hear that, so April comes up with a solution – she’ll become “Gretchen” . . . .
Ahhhhhh, the manic pixie dream girl. The subject matter for every guy’s spank bank. That is, until she meets Joshua and she actually starts to possibly catch some feels and realize maybe not every guy is a horrific ogre like her ex.
Okay, if you know me at all you know that I live and breathe for . . . .
So obviously I was all in on loving this book. What I wasn’t expecting, however, was actual trauma and some heavy subject matter (rape by someone you are in a relationship with) would be the driving force behind the main character’s intimacy issues. Be warned this might not be a book for you if you are someone who can’t handle topics like these, but I was sooooooooooooooo impressed by the non-preachy manner and vast amount of information regarding this topic and that it was provided in a book that I picked up simply thinking was going to be a fun RomCom. And the good news is, it really was a fun RomCom even with the serious backstory. Holly Bourne is a new-to-me author, but I accidentally ended up reading her twice in the past month. I will most definitely be picking up more of her books.
All the Stars for this one.
Now that that is out of my system we can get on with the book. Ever since her last relationship ended, April has found herself unlucky in love. She doesn’t have a problem getting dates – she just has a problem getting past date five, or more particularly, the sex. And when her latest attempt at romance fails? Well . . . .
Lucky for everyone, she just rages out in her journal and by doing so she starts to think the problem is with who April is as a person. Someone who is open and honest and shares her history and when asked what she does for a living doesn’t hesitate to disclose that her job is a hard one working for a crisis help center where she has to take shifts responding to some seriously triggering subject matter. But the dudes don’t want to hear that, so April comes up with a solution – she’ll become “Gretchen” . . . .
Ahhhhhh, the manic pixie dream girl. The subject matter for every guy’s spank bank. That is, until she meets Joshua and she actually starts to possibly catch some feels and realize maybe not every guy is a horrific ogre like her ex.
Okay, if you know me at all you know that I live and breathe for . . . .
So obviously I was all in on loving this book. What I wasn’t expecting, however, was actual trauma and some heavy subject matter (rape by someone you are in a relationship with) would be the driving force behind the main character’s intimacy issues. Be warned this might not be a book for you if you are someone who can’t handle topics like these, but I was sooooooooooooooo impressed by the non-preachy manner and vast amount of information regarding this topic and that it was provided in a book that I picked up simply thinking was going to be a fun RomCom. And the good news is, it really was a fun RomCom even with the serious backstory. Holly Bourne is a new-to-me author, but I accidentally ended up reading her twice in the past month. I will most definitely be picking up more of her books.
All the Stars for this one.
March 24, 2020
CW: sexism, mentions of sexual assault
Yet another spectacular novel from Holly Bourne, could not possibly recommend it highly enough! This is a visceral analysis of the performativity of identity in a world that teaches you that you have to be anything but yourself in order to fit in and strive, particularly as a woman. It also tackles many of the expectations society places on women once they've hit a certain age, as well as the way women come to internalise many of these ideas so much so that they become their own and need to be slowly and painfully deconstructed if one is to find any peace of mind.
This was somehow equally insightful, difficult and striking AND highly enjoyable and easily digestible. It's so easy to see reflections of the real world in Holly Bourne's writing and I found myself wishing to discuss this book with people at every step of the way through it.
Yet another spectacular novel from Holly Bourne, could not possibly recommend it highly enough! This is a visceral analysis of the performativity of identity in a world that teaches you that you have to be anything but yourself in order to fit in and strive, particularly as a woman. It also tackles many of the expectations society places on women once they've hit a certain age, as well as the way women come to internalise many of these ideas so much so that they become their own and need to be slowly and painfully deconstructed if one is to find any peace of mind.
This was somehow equally insightful, difficult and striking AND highly enjoyable and easily digestible. It's so easy to see reflections of the real world in Holly Bourne's writing and I found myself wishing to discuss this book with people at every step of the way through it.
June 26, 2022
This was unbelievably amazing, raw and real, but also very painful and hearth wrenching. This book could make you feel heard and remind you that you're not alone. Or it could bring you down but hopefully bring you back up in the end. As always, Holly Bourne has something to say and she pulls no punches, thankfully for us.
April was raped by a past boyfriend. She is dealing with the trauma of this on many levels while trying to get on with her life, including searching for the One in the fast lane that is 21st century dating.
There are ups and there are downs. There is helplessness and there is thirst for power and revenge. There are assholes and there are nice guys. And amazing friends. And many, many Truths.
Thanks Holly. Thanks for speaking these truths and for bringing to life inspiring stories full of strength and hope.
April was raped by a past boyfriend. She is dealing with the trauma of this on many levels while trying to get on with her life, including searching for the One in the fast lane that is 21st century dating.
There are ups and there are downs. There is helplessness and there is thirst for power and revenge. There are assholes and there are nice guys. And amazing friends. And many, many Truths.
Thanks Holly. Thanks for speaking these truths and for bringing to life inspiring stories full of strength and hope.
November 5, 2020
Trigger Warnings for Rape and Sexual Assault.
4 Stars
Before I even start this review I just want to say that if you are considering reading this book, I strongly strongly suggest you are in the right frame of mind. When I say that it's simply because this book is a tough read, it deals with very emotional and "heavy" topics and it's referred to throughout the book. Holly Bourne is an author who writes about trauma and Assault in her books and as I have never ever experienced anything like this I feel like it is done with care and also hope. This is just my opinion but it doesn't shy away from things and makes you feel every single emotion that the characters (mainly April) goes through. So that is my warning before reading this.
Pretending is not going to be for everyone, lets start with that, and at times I felt very very frustrated by April as a character, HOWEVER as much as she annoyed me I completely understand why she does the things she did. The basis of the book is that April doesn't doesn't trust men and they all treat her the same (pretty badly). She is sick and tired of having to go through all of these emotions and decides she wants to become someone else who isn't at all like April and in comes Gretel. From there she then goes on a few dates with someone called Joshua and the story progresses.
I personally find some of what April went through super relatable. You think you find that one person who the sun just shines out of (I hope this makes sense), where your whole world revolves around them, when in reality you might not be that serious for them, or they're not at the same level, or having to have the discussion of "Sooooo... what are we then" and in this, well for me anyway, it leaves you feeling super vulnerable like you're offering your heart on a plate to this person and they have the power to just crush it. It would appear that April went through this many many times, and sometimes when she opened up about her past trauma they would be so un-supportive and just wouldn't understand it.
What I found super hard was how hard April was on herself, it was as though her own thoughts were poisoning her and her self worth was so so low, but when she talked to her friend she'd be offering so much love and support and I think people tend to do this so often! So hard on yourself but then so kind to others who may go through something similar.
Now what I want to point out is, in my opinion anyway, there was quite a lot of "all men are trash" but please please PLEASE take this with a pinch of salt, because these are Aprils thoughts and feelings and you have to really really understand her character to see why she feels like this. She is a victim of sexual assault and with that comes a LOT of different emotions from her.
Something that I found to be absolutely wonderfully told was the boxing sessions and the support system. In particular there's one chapter where there is so much love and so much support it had me weeping and I had actual goosebumps at the thought of people having to go through these things, it was so hard to read but it was a beautiful moment with the final result.
Onto a lighter and happier note, I really really like Joshua. I just found him to be so sweet and genuine, you could see how excited he was to try and do things, and taking the relationship to different steps. I found him to be super mature and sometimes in books we can see some forms of toxic masculinity, but Joshua was always open and honest with April/Gretel and told her if things bothered him, he could easily apologise and wasn't selfish.
Why isn't this a 5 star read then you may ask? Honestly this is a very high 4 stars, but there are two things that I just felt to be a bit off... firstly there was a comment about Asexuals, and I don't know if it's me who has miss read this but I wasn't sure if it really sit well with me. The other part is how it ended. It seemed to end off of the paper and I was just like wait what?! I think if we'd of had the chance to see how the conversation went. Like this isn't a small book, a few extra pages would of helped me place the situation. I can't really explain without saying how the book actually ended so I'll just leave it at that.
Overall a very solid book, I think I'm pretty much just going to continue to buy anything Holly Bourne releases, all of her books are always impactful and really really put you through all of the emotions. A very thought provoking book, with some truly powerful moments.
--------—
A mini review...
I genuinely want to write a full and thorough review for this because it took me in such a whirlwind of emotions. Holly Bourne just knows how to write these types of books. Very very hard hitting and so emotional. Very very good.
4 Stars
Before I even start this review I just want to say that if you are considering reading this book, I strongly strongly suggest you are in the right frame of mind. When I say that it's simply because this book is a tough read, it deals with very emotional and "heavy" topics and it's referred to throughout the book. Holly Bourne is an author who writes about trauma and Assault in her books and as I have never ever experienced anything like this I feel like it is done with care and also hope. This is just my opinion but it doesn't shy away from things and makes you feel every single emotion that the characters (mainly April) goes through. So that is my warning before reading this.
Pretending is not going to be for everyone, lets start with that, and at times I felt very very frustrated by April as a character, HOWEVER as much as she annoyed me I completely understand why she does the things she did. The basis of the book is that April doesn't doesn't trust men and they all treat her the same (pretty badly). She is sick and tired of having to go through all of these emotions and decides she wants to become someone else who isn't at all like April and in comes Gretel. From there she then goes on a few dates with someone called Joshua and the story progresses.
I personally find some of what April went through super relatable. You think you find that one person who the sun just shines out of (I hope this makes sense), where your whole world revolves around them, when in reality you might not be that serious for them, or they're not at the same level, or having to have the discussion of "Sooooo... what are we then" and in this, well for me anyway, it leaves you feeling super vulnerable like you're offering your heart on a plate to this person and they have the power to just crush it. It would appear that April went through this many many times, and sometimes when she opened up about her past trauma they would be so un-supportive and just wouldn't understand it.
What I found super hard was how hard April was on herself, it was as though her own thoughts were poisoning her and her self worth was so so low, but when she talked to her friend she'd be offering so much love and support and I think people tend to do this so often! So hard on yourself but then so kind to others who may go through something similar.
Now what I want to point out is, in my opinion anyway, there was quite a lot of "all men are trash" but please please PLEASE take this with a pinch of salt, because these are Aprils thoughts and feelings and you have to really really understand her character to see why she feels like this. She is a victim of sexual assault and with that comes a LOT of different emotions from her.
Something that I found to be absolutely wonderfully told was the boxing sessions and the support system. In particular there's one chapter where there is so much love and so much support it had me weeping and I had actual goosebumps at the thought of people having to go through these things, it was so hard to read but it was a beautiful moment with the final result.
Onto a lighter and happier note, I really really like Joshua. I just found him to be so sweet and genuine, you could see how excited he was to try and do things, and taking the relationship to different steps. I found him to be super mature and sometimes in books we can see some forms of toxic masculinity, but Joshua was always open and honest with April/Gretel and told her if things bothered him, he could easily apologise and wasn't selfish.
Why isn't this a 5 star read then you may ask? Honestly this is a very high 4 stars, but there are two things that I just felt to be a bit off... firstly there was a comment about Asexuals, and I don't know if it's me who has miss read this but I wasn't sure if it really sit well with me. The other part is how it ended. It seemed to end off of the paper and I was just like wait what?! I think if we'd of had the chance to see how the conversation went. Like this isn't a small book, a few extra pages would of helped me place the situation. I can't really explain without saying how the book actually ended so I'll just leave it at that.
Overall a very solid book, I think I'm pretty much just going to continue to buy anything Holly Bourne releases, all of her books are always impactful and really really put you through all of the emotions. A very thought provoking book, with some truly powerful moments.
--------—
A mini review...
I genuinely want to write a full and thorough review for this because it took me in such a whirlwind of emotions. Holly Bourne just knows how to write these types of books. Very very hard hitting and so emotional. Very very good.
June 10, 2023
First of all, Holly, I hope you're getting the therapy you need and that you are okay. I've been a huge fan of your books ever since Am I Normal Yet? but have slowly come to realise that all of your books are just a wee bit depressing? And most of them don't really end on a good note. That's a bit concerning. I will continue to read them because you're a fabulous storyteller and for some reason, they're always just what I need. Thank you.
Pretending is an intense read about a young woman who is sick of dating boring, shallow, and mean imbeciles who use women for entertainment. As somebody who has tons of friends who go on date after date with guys that are complete disasters, I do see her point. Her dates mostly turn out to be unreliable and emotionally unavailable men who have not learned how to communicate and mostly crave a quick one-nighter if a woman turns out to be more than just a shell with some holes.
To see whether changing herself completely will actually lead to a decent man, April thus creates her alter Ego Gretel. Gretel is everything men want (according to April's book): she's hot, funny, doesn't ask for much, doesn't want to communicate all the time, and lets men come to her. Gretel doesn't nag, fret, or complain, everything is simply not affecting her. In short, Gretel is a cool girl (very gone girl, I know). It goes without saying that that naturally attracts a decent amount of suitors. Men, it turns out, love it if they have to put in minimal (emotional) work, it seems.
I found it quite interesting to see April lose herself in Gretel. It is easy to be lost when pretending that you are somebody that you are absolutely not, I guess. I empathised with her struggles but was los quite annoyed with her self-sabotaging at times. Nonetheless a decent read.
Pretending is an intense read about a young woman who is sick of dating boring, shallow, and mean imbeciles who use women for entertainment. As somebody who has tons of friends who go on date after date with guys that are complete disasters, I do see her point. Her dates mostly turn out to be unreliable and emotionally unavailable men who have not learned how to communicate and mostly crave a quick one-nighter if a woman turns out to be more than just a shell with some holes.
To see whether changing herself completely will actually lead to a decent man, April thus creates her alter Ego Gretel. Gretel is everything men want (according to April's book): she's hot, funny, doesn't ask for much, doesn't want to communicate all the time, and lets men come to her. Gretel doesn't nag, fret, or complain, everything is simply not affecting her. In short, Gretel is a cool girl (very gone girl, I know). It goes without saying that that naturally attracts a decent amount of suitors. Men, it turns out, love it if they have to put in minimal (emotional) work, it seems.
I found it quite interesting to see April lose herself in Gretel. It is easy to be lost when pretending that you are somebody that you are absolutely not, I guess. I empathised with her struggles but was los quite annoyed with her self-sabotaging at times. Nonetheless a decent read.
November 23, 2020
Emotional and evocative. This is my first book by Holly Bourne, her provocative storytelling hit me right in the feels. April has had it with the dating scene, she cannot seem to make it past the fifth date. So she decides to channel her alter ego Gretel and become the easy-going carefree no worries type of girl April is certain the guys want. The problem is after dating Joshua as Gretel for several weeks April is thinking Josh might be more than just a fling. So how does April tell Josh that she really isn’t Gretel? And how much of Gretel is really April?
Not going to lie this was NOT the book I was expecting when I picked it up. From the blurb I thought this was going to be a sweet fluffy Romance, definitely was not expecting the emotional journey this book took me on. April is a survivor of verbal/emotional abuse and sexual assault. I felt the heavy subject matter was handled very thoughtfully. The boxing class that April attended for survivors was cathartic and I loved the bonds that formed between these women. I really liked both April and Josh, and liked them even more as a couple. As April dug a bigger and bigger hole for herself I was so worried as to how she was going to get herself out of this? I also found April’s job fascinating and liked how that played out in the story. The audiobook was narrated by Heather Long Who has the most melodic British accent. Seriously she could read to me all day and definitely brought even more depth and sparkle to the story. A well told story that will stay with me.
*** Big thank you to Mira for my gifted copy of this book. All opinions are my own. ***
Not going to lie this was NOT the book I was expecting when I picked it up. From the blurb I thought this was going to be a sweet fluffy Romance, definitely was not expecting the emotional journey this book took me on. April is a survivor of verbal/emotional abuse and sexual assault. I felt the heavy subject matter was handled very thoughtfully. The boxing class that April attended for survivors was cathartic and I loved the bonds that formed between these women. I really liked both April and Josh, and liked them even more as a couple. As April dug a bigger and bigger hole for herself I was so worried as to how she was going to get herself out of this? I also found April’s job fascinating and liked how that played out in the story. The audiobook was narrated by Heather Long Who has the most melodic British accent. Seriously she could read to me all day and definitely brought even more depth and sparkle to the story. A well told story that will stay with me.
*** Big thank you to Mira for my gifted copy of this book. All opinions are my own. ***
September 26, 2021
Second Review (September 2021)
It’s rare that I re-read a book so soon after reading it. I acquired a lovely paperback version signed by Bourne, and I decided I was in the mood to re-read Pretending. It might not have been the best decision (so many feels), but it might have been the right decision.
My first review feels very true and comprehensive, so I won’t add too much to this one. Mostly I just want to emphasize how real this book feels.
For some time prior to the pandemic, and then as the pandemic exacerbated it, one of my friends endured an abusive relationship. While it bears little resemblance to the trauma that April experienced prior to the start of Pretending, I have witnessed the emotional toll that my friend’s trauma has extracted and continues to extract from her. And it makes me angry, angry at the abuser specifically but also at our society for enabling it in so many ways. Angry, too, at the microaggressions women face constantly even if we are not in abusive situations.
A great deal of this book wrestles with the question “#NotAllMen?” April takes a very hardline stance of “Yes, all men” for most of the book. One of themes, of course, is that there is far more nuance to this issue—Bourne is definitely trying to portray growth in April by her gradual admission to herself that not all men are as toxic as she believes. Yet, as many characters comment in various ways, it might be the case that all cis men “are a little bit shit,” to quote one woman in particular. What Pretending excels at is how it demonstrates the way that this shittiness is embedded in our patriarchal society, especially when it comes to romantic interactions with women.
This is a difficult book to read because it is raw. April makes so many mistakes, does things she knows she shouldn’t do. Yes, she is traumatized, but the book is clear that this is not an excuse for her behaviour. The difficulty in reading this book, at least for me, comes in the visceral awareness that there is no magic bullet. There is no small change we could make that magically makes our society less misogynistic. We need radical change, and we needed it yesterday.
I really hope more cis men read this book—and take it seriously, and think about what they can do to materially dismantle patriarchy every single day.
First Review (May 2020)
So! Many! Thoughts! About this one. I was so excited for Pretending, Holly Bourne’s second adult novel, after really loving How Do You Like Me Now? . My initial reaction to this novel was bemusement … I didn’t identify with April as much as I did with Tori, and for a moment I worried that would make me like this novel less. Indeed, if you pressed me, I would happily confess that How Do You Like Me Now? is my favourite of the two. Nevertheless, Pretending establishes that Bourne’s capabilities as a writer and storyteller continue to grow, and it provides a great example of how you can love and appreciate a novel even when you don’t identify as much with the main character.
Trigger warnings in this book and to some extent in my review for discussion of rape/assault.
April would love to find romantic love in a man, but all the men she tries to date turn out not so great. Her last long-term relationship was abusive and rapey. Each man she has seen since then gets turned off by some facet of her. Meanwhile, she works for a sexual health charity and often must answer anonymous frontline emails from people—usually women—asking if something was rape. This all takes its toll, and April is fed up. She decides she wants revenge. She decides she would rather be Gretel: an idealized, manic-pixie-dream-girl version of a woman. She’ll make a man fall for Gretel, and just as he is expresses his love for her, she’ll break up with him and ruin his life.
You can imagine, of course, how well that works. Up until this point (crisis email charity work aside), I would agree this sounds like the plot of a fairly standard Hollywood rom-com. If you’ve never read anything else by Bourne, you could be forgiven for thinking that’s all that Pretending could be. Of course, it’s much more than that. At the same time, Pretending might be the rom-commiest of all Bourne’s writing so far, and maybe that’s one reason it took a while for me to really wrap my head around why it works so well. I’m not sure how much I can say without going into spoiler territory, so let’s just say that this book ultimately isn’t about revenge or even about finding love. This is a book about accepting that you can change yourself and that it’s important to work to avoid letting trauma define you.
I struggled at first to identify with April mostly because, as someone who has been aromantic and asexual her whole life, I just don’t get dating. April’s constant refrain of wanting to be with someone, of not wanting to be alone … that’s not something I spend time thinking about. So for the entirety of the plot to revolve around that definitely made me yearn for Tori, whose more generalized adulting struggles were ones that I could recognize in myself. Yet I pressed on, because this is Holly Bourne, and her books are always worth it.
It’s really at the point where April is crying on the shoulder of her flatmate and best friend, Megan, and makes an observation that resonated with me, that Pretending lands for me:
That last sentence. Wow.
If men cold love women the way women love each other. Yes. Wow.
See, having only recently, at 30 years old, realized that I’m trans and made the decision to transition and come out to everyone, I have been doing some intense re-evaluation of my life and re-examining my choices through the hindsight of my true gender identity. One thing that has always been true is that my strongest friendships have always been with other women. Always. And I always loved them, not in any romantic or sexual way, but in a deep and unconditional platonic way. For a long time, I just ascribed that to my aro/ace orientations, not my gender identity. But For the Love of Men triggered a little mini-crisis in me that ultimately led to my gender epiphany, and since then I’ve been doing a lot more thinking. Certainly, my sexual and romantic orientations have played a role in how I form my friendships—but so has, unwittingly, my gender. I’ve always been female, and deep down, I recognized that and sought out friendships on those terms, even if I didn’t quite recognize what I was doing. I’m not saying that every man who treats women honestly and with unconditional platonic love the way some female friends do is actually a closeted trans woman—but in my case, this was true!
Up until now, reading Bourne’s books has always been a journey for me to understand certain corners of feminism and female experiences that, growing up as a man, I did not have access to. I wanted to sympathize with and better grasp the intricacies of micro-aggressions that Bourne is so good at portraying honestly and comedically. And for a while, I think that the realignment of my gender identity made me question what I was hoping to get from Pretending. I’m a woman, but I didn’t grow up being socialized as a woman, and I lack a lot of the experiences that cis women and trans women who begin transitioning earlier in life have had. This doesn’t make me any less of a woman, but it definitely leads to moments where I struggle with how to situate myself authentically. I am a woman, but there are many of experiences of womanhood I simply can’t speak to—that’s true of all women, but most women have more ground to fall back on to reaffirm their own sense of femaleness. Mine feels shaky sometimes.
I’m no longer presenting as a feminist cis man reading these books. I’m still a feminist; that much hasn’t changed. But I’m a different reader from who I was a year ago, and that’s very interesting. So for me, Pretending was less about identifying with April’s struggles to date and find a man as it was a glimpse at how all women, regardless of how their gender identity has developed, struggle with the arbitrariness of femininity. April constructs Gretel because she has ideas about how “all men” expect your everywoman to behave on a date. Others, when they eventually learn of her scheme, rightly call her to task for this and point out that even if men have unrealistic expectations, those expectations are often varied. Similarly, Bourne reminds us how women are often the ones who enforce these expectations of feminine behaviour in larger social situations—a tense exchange when “Gretel” finally meets her man’s coworkers and their wives illustrates this beautifully.
See, Pretending eventually arrives at the truth that we are, all of us, regardless of our gender, bound up in these incredible social constraints and expectations on our behaviour. We construct our prisons ourselves, out of our beliefs and values, from what we are taught explicitly by parents and teachers and media, along with what we absorb implicitly from life lessons, big and small. For the most part, we enforce expectations of gender roles on ourselves, with a little help from our friends. Layer on top of that the trauma that April has internalized as a result of her abusive ex-boyfriend raping her, and you arrive at a truly perfect storm of an identity crisis.
I enjoyed Bourne’s exploration of April’s trauma and her healing. I can’t really speak to the accuracy of such events; I know that Bourne worked in a position similar to the one that April held, so she understands that part well enough. But I loved the survivor kickboxing class that April attends and slowly integrates into her life. The way she expresses her pain, and the advice she receives from her fellow classmates and survivors, is a good reminder that healing is never a straightforward, linear process. Healing isn’t something we can rush, or really control. It takes time and it takes work, and it took April a while to come to terms with that.
Pretending didn’t make me laugh as much as How Do You Like Me Now?, but it’s still funny. It doesn’t feature quite as big a meltdown as the other book, but it still has its trademark “Holly Bourne moment” at the climax. April isn’t as identifiable to me as Tori. These are all reasons I liked Bourne’s first novel for adults better, but none of these are reasons to call Pretending disappointing by any stretch of the imagination. It’s different. There’s more of an edge to it, certainly, which I appreciate. Bourne packs a little more bite with each novel she writes.
It’s funny, that: men write books about the anguish of their lives, and they get to be called tortured artists and authors of literary fiction. Women who write such books, on the other hand, are consigned to the “chick lit” section. That’s why, ultimately, whether or not I “identify” with April’s struggle (regardless of my gender identity and experience), is really irrelevant here: as long as we continue to deem women’s stories and struggles as less widely important or interesting than men’s, we’ll never have equity in our literature.
Pretending is a valuable story. Yes, it is a woman’s story, but it should not just be read by women. It’s valuable because it captures how abuse and rape, misogyny and patriarchy, macro- and micro-aggressions all contribute towards the stresses that many women experience every day in our lives. And in the end, if we can understand these things, and then work towards mitigating them and removing them in our society, we might all be better off.
It’s rare that I re-read a book so soon after reading it. I acquired a lovely paperback version signed by Bourne, and I decided I was in the mood to re-read Pretending. It might not have been the best decision (so many feels), but it might have been the right decision.
My first review feels very true and comprehensive, so I won’t add too much to this one. Mostly I just want to emphasize how real this book feels.
For some time prior to the pandemic, and then as the pandemic exacerbated it, one of my friends endured an abusive relationship. While it bears little resemblance to the trauma that April experienced prior to the start of Pretending, I have witnessed the emotional toll that my friend’s trauma has extracted and continues to extract from her. And it makes me angry, angry at the abuser specifically but also at our society for enabling it in so many ways. Angry, too, at the microaggressions women face constantly even if we are not in abusive situations.
A great deal of this book wrestles with the question “#NotAllMen?” April takes a very hardline stance of “Yes, all men” for most of the book. One of themes, of course, is that there is far more nuance to this issue—Bourne is definitely trying to portray growth in April by her gradual admission to herself that not all men are as toxic as she believes. Yet, as many characters comment in various ways, it might be the case that all cis men “are a little bit shit,” to quote one woman in particular. What Pretending excels at is how it demonstrates the way that this shittiness is embedded in our patriarchal society, especially when it comes to romantic interactions with women.
This is a difficult book to read because it is raw. April makes so many mistakes, does things she knows she shouldn’t do. Yes, she is traumatized, but the book is clear that this is not an excuse for her behaviour. The difficulty in reading this book, at least for me, comes in the visceral awareness that there is no magic bullet. There is no small change we could make that magically makes our society less misogynistic. We need radical change, and we needed it yesterday.
I really hope more cis men read this book—and take it seriously, and think about what they can do to materially dismantle patriarchy every single day.
First Review (May 2020)
So! Many! Thoughts! About this one. I was so excited for Pretending, Holly Bourne’s second adult novel, after really loving How Do You Like Me Now? . My initial reaction to this novel was bemusement … I didn’t identify with April as much as I did with Tori, and for a moment I worried that would make me like this novel less. Indeed, if you pressed me, I would happily confess that How Do You Like Me Now? is my favourite of the two. Nevertheless, Pretending establishes that Bourne’s capabilities as a writer and storyteller continue to grow, and it provides a great example of how you can love and appreciate a novel even when you don’t identify as much with the main character.
Trigger warnings in this book and to some extent in my review for discussion of rape/assault.
April would love to find romantic love in a man, but all the men she tries to date turn out not so great. Her last long-term relationship was abusive and rapey. Each man she has seen since then gets turned off by some facet of her. Meanwhile, she works for a sexual health charity and often must answer anonymous frontline emails from people—usually women—asking if something was rape. This all takes its toll, and April is fed up. She decides she wants revenge. She decides she would rather be Gretel: an idealized, manic-pixie-dream-girl version of a woman. She’ll make a man fall for Gretel, and just as he is expresses his love for her, she’ll break up with him and ruin his life.
You can imagine, of course, how well that works. Up until this point (crisis email charity work aside), I would agree this sounds like the plot of a fairly standard Hollywood rom-com. If you’ve never read anything else by Bourne, you could be forgiven for thinking that’s all that Pretending could be. Of course, it’s much more than that. At the same time, Pretending might be the rom-commiest of all Bourne’s writing so far, and maybe that’s one reason it took a while for me to really wrap my head around why it works so well. I’m not sure how much I can say without going into spoiler territory, so let’s just say that this book ultimately isn’t about revenge or even about finding love. This is a book about accepting that you can change yourself and that it’s important to work to avoid letting trauma define you.
I struggled at first to identify with April mostly because, as someone who has been aromantic and asexual her whole life, I just don’t get dating. April’s constant refrain of wanting to be with someone, of not wanting to be alone … that’s not something I spend time thinking about. So for the entirety of the plot to revolve around that definitely made me yearn for Tori, whose more generalized adulting struggles were ones that I could recognize in myself. Yet I pressed on, because this is Holly Bourne, and her books are always worth it.
It’s really at the point where April is crying on the shoulder of her flatmate and best friend, Megan, and makes an observation that resonated with me, that Pretending lands for me:
“Are you OK?” Megan leans forward, her face the picture of concern and love and understanding. The sort of face it would be amazing to see on just one boyfriend, just one. If men could love women the way women love each other, everything would be terribly easier.
That last sentence. Wow.
If men cold love women the way women love each other. Yes. Wow.
See, having only recently, at 30 years old, realized that I’m trans and made the decision to transition and come out to everyone, I have been doing some intense re-evaluation of my life and re-examining my choices through the hindsight of my true gender identity. One thing that has always been true is that my strongest friendships have always been with other women. Always. And I always loved them, not in any romantic or sexual way, but in a deep and unconditional platonic way. For a long time, I just ascribed that to my aro/ace orientations, not my gender identity. But For the Love of Men triggered a little mini-crisis in me that ultimately led to my gender epiphany, and since then I’ve been doing a lot more thinking. Certainly, my sexual and romantic orientations have played a role in how I form my friendships—but so has, unwittingly, my gender. I’ve always been female, and deep down, I recognized that and sought out friendships on those terms, even if I didn’t quite recognize what I was doing. I’m not saying that every man who treats women honestly and with unconditional platonic love the way some female friends do is actually a closeted trans woman—but in my case, this was true!
Up until now, reading Bourne’s books has always been a journey for me to understand certain corners of feminism and female experiences that, growing up as a man, I did not have access to. I wanted to sympathize with and better grasp the intricacies of micro-aggressions that Bourne is so good at portraying honestly and comedically. And for a while, I think that the realignment of my gender identity made me question what I was hoping to get from Pretending. I’m a woman, but I didn’t grow up being socialized as a woman, and I lack a lot of the experiences that cis women and trans women who begin transitioning earlier in life have had. This doesn’t make me any less of a woman, but it definitely leads to moments where I struggle with how to situate myself authentically. I am a woman, but there are many of experiences of womanhood I simply can’t speak to—that’s true of all women, but most women have more ground to fall back on to reaffirm their own sense of femaleness. Mine feels shaky sometimes.
I’m no longer presenting as a feminist cis man reading these books. I’m still a feminist; that much hasn’t changed. But I’m a different reader from who I was a year ago, and that’s very interesting. So for me, Pretending was less about identifying with April’s struggles to date and find a man as it was a glimpse at how all women, regardless of how their gender identity has developed, struggle with the arbitrariness of femininity. April constructs Gretel because she has ideas about how “all men” expect your everywoman to behave on a date. Others, when they eventually learn of her scheme, rightly call her to task for this and point out that even if men have unrealistic expectations, those expectations are often varied. Similarly, Bourne reminds us how women are often the ones who enforce these expectations of feminine behaviour in larger social situations—a tense exchange when “Gretel” finally meets her man’s coworkers and their wives illustrates this beautifully.
See, Pretending eventually arrives at the truth that we are, all of us, regardless of our gender, bound up in these incredible social constraints and expectations on our behaviour. We construct our prisons ourselves, out of our beliefs and values, from what we are taught explicitly by parents and teachers and media, along with what we absorb implicitly from life lessons, big and small. For the most part, we enforce expectations of gender roles on ourselves, with a little help from our friends. Layer on top of that the trauma that April has internalized as a result of her abusive ex-boyfriend raping her, and you arrive at a truly perfect storm of an identity crisis.
I enjoyed Bourne’s exploration of April’s trauma and her healing. I can’t really speak to the accuracy of such events; I know that Bourne worked in a position similar to the one that April held, so she understands that part well enough. But I loved the survivor kickboxing class that April attends and slowly integrates into her life. The way she expresses her pain, and the advice she receives from her fellow classmates and survivors, is a good reminder that healing is never a straightforward, linear process. Healing isn’t something we can rush, or really control. It takes time and it takes work, and it took April a while to come to terms with that.
Pretending didn’t make me laugh as much as How Do You Like Me Now?, but it’s still funny. It doesn’t feature quite as big a meltdown as the other book, but it still has its trademark “Holly Bourne moment” at the climax. April isn’t as identifiable to me as Tori. These are all reasons I liked Bourne’s first novel for adults better, but none of these are reasons to call Pretending disappointing by any stretch of the imagination. It’s different. There’s more of an edge to it, certainly, which I appreciate. Bourne packs a little more bite with each novel she writes.
It’s funny, that: men write books about the anguish of their lives, and they get to be called tortured artists and authors of literary fiction. Women who write such books, on the other hand, are consigned to the “chick lit” section. That’s why, ultimately, whether or not I “identify” with April’s struggle (regardless of my gender identity and experience), is really irrelevant here: as long as we continue to deem women’s stories and struggles as less widely important or interesting than men’s, we’ll never have equity in our literature.
Pretending is a valuable story. Yes, it is a woman’s story, but it should not just be read by women. It’s valuable because it captures how abuse and rape, misogyny and patriarchy, macro- and micro-aggressions all contribute towards the stresses that many women experience every day in our lives. And in the end, if we can understand these things, and then work towards mitigating them and removing them in our society, we might all be better off.
March 18, 2022
I have been a fan of Ms. Holly Bourne for several years now and I only thought of reading more about her background just recently. All this time, she’s three years younger? How could she be younger than I am and be writing this good all the bloody time?
Anyway, I couldn't really sort out my thoughts about the book so I just decided to put a few excellent excerpts.
"There's this weird inevitability, isn't there, when it comes to falling in love with a man. It's never anything other than a huge trap and massive act of self-harm."
"You can't quantify damage."
"It's the violation that's the violence-don't you see? It's knowing your boundaries mean bugger-all that's the trauma -that anyone can touch you, that how you feel about it doesn't count. That's the trauma. That's the violence. Anything else that happens on top of that is additional. It's not a spectrum. It's a line that shouldn't be crossed. Ever. In any way. It's all violence and it’s all traumatic. And, for someone who clearly has no experience of it, why do you feel like you're the one who gets to decide?"
"I don't know if the good days will outweigh the bad days. I don't know anything. Yet I keep loving him anyway. And he keeps loving me. I'm starting to realize that's what love is."
Anyway, I couldn't really sort out my thoughts about the book so I just decided to put a few excellent excerpts.
"There's this weird inevitability, isn't there, when it comes to falling in love with a man. It's never anything other than a huge trap and massive act of self-harm."
"You can't quantify damage."
"It's the violation that's the violence-don't you see? It's knowing your boundaries mean bugger-all that's the trauma -that anyone can touch you, that how you feel about it doesn't count. That's the trauma. That's the violence. Anything else that happens on top of that is additional. It's not a spectrum. It's a line that shouldn't be crossed. Ever. In any way. It's all violence and it’s all traumatic. And, for someone who clearly has no experience of it, why do you feel like you're the one who gets to decide?"
"I don't know if the good days will outweigh the bad days. I don't know anything. Yet I keep loving him anyway. And he keeps loving me. I'm starting to realize that's what love is."
April 4, 2020
This book was SO disappointing! I'm usually such a big Holly Bourne book but this one totally missed the mark for me.
This book does deal with some really important issues, mainly to do with rape. Which is great, and very much needed. It's important this book discusses this topic so frankly. I'm sure it would help a lot of women.
However, tone of this book was really different from her earlier books. It wasn't funny or witty. It was very angry and moany. Obviously the main character has gone through some difficult times, but the entire book was very downbeat, which made it hard to read.
I thought the plot was kind of lacking. As I've already said the topics this book covered were important, but it just felt very repetitive and wasn't all that interesting to read.
I did however, like how this book discusses what it's like to work in a charity, on a help advice line. It was interesting and I learnt a lot about that type of job.
But the rest of the book just felt flat for me. I also really did not agree with the ending. I obviously can't say to much without it being spoilers but it wasn't okay in my opinion, it definitely sent out the wrong message.
So overall, this book is important and I think certain people at certain points of their life will enjoy this book, but for me, I was really disappointed by it and it was no where near as good as her previous books
TW: open discussions around rape
This book does deal with some really important issues, mainly to do with rape. Which is great, and very much needed. It's important this book discusses this topic so frankly. I'm sure it would help a lot of women.
However, tone of this book was really different from her earlier books. It wasn't funny or witty. It was very angry and moany. Obviously the main character has gone through some difficult times, but the entire book was very downbeat, which made it hard to read.
I thought the plot was kind of lacking. As I've already said the topics this book covered were important, but it just felt very repetitive and wasn't all that interesting to read.
I did however, like how this book discusses what it's like to work in a charity, on a help advice line. It was interesting and I learnt a lot about that type of job.
But the rest of the book just felt flat for me. I also really did not agree with the ending. I obviously can't say to much without it being spoilers but it wasn't okay in my opinion, it definitely sent out the wrong message.
So overall, this book is important and I think certain people at certain points of their life will enjoy this book, but for me, I was really disappointed by it and it was no where near as good as her previous books
TW: open discussions around rape
March 19, 2021
Sv: seksuaalinen väkivalta, raiskaus
Teeskeltelyä (2021, Gummerus, suom. Kristiina Vaara, kirja pyydetty kustantajalta arvostelukappaleena) on uuden ajan vihaista, feminististä (viihde)kirjallisuutta. Kipeää, raivoisaa ja silti valoisaa. Kirja kertoo kolmekymppisestä Aprilista, jonka ex-poikaystävä on raiskannut. April yrittää jättää väkivaltaisen kokemuksen taakseen, mutta treffeillä hän törmää toistuvasti seksismiin ja urpoileviin miehiin. April uskoo, että ainoa keino löytää parisuhde on ruveta Greteliksi, fantastiseksi naiseksi, josta kaikki miehet haaveilevat. Niinpä hän kirjautuu treffisovelukseen nimellä Gretel valmiina hurmaamaan kaikki miehet.
En ole koskaan aiemmin lukenut kirjaa, jossa olisi yhtä upealla tavalla käsitelty raiskauksen aiheuttamaa traumaa. Usein raiskauksen käsittely typistyy raiskaustilanteen kauhun kuvaamiseen, mutta pitkäaikaiset vaikutukset uhriin sivuutetaan kokonaan. Teeskentelyä edistääkin erinomaisella tavalla seksuaalisen väkivallan uhrin ymmärtämistä. Kirja myös hälventää raiskausmyyttejä (eli virheellisiä raiskaukseen liittyviä käsityksiä) mielettömän hienosti!
Tuntuu jotenkin tosi väärältä olla fiiliksissään kirjasta, joka käsittelee näin kamalaa aihetta. Kuitenkin vahingollisia ja virheellisiä mielikuvia raiskauksesta välittäviä representaatioita on niin paljon, että tämä yksi, jossa kaikki on kuosissa, saa tällaisen seksuaalista väkivaltaa gradussaan tutkivan humanistin sydämen läikähtelemään riemusta. Ja samalla kirjan sanoma on valoisa: vaikka seksuaalinen väkivalta on hirveää, traumatisoivaa ja kammottavan yleistä, siitä on mahdollista selvitä.
Kirja ei ole vahvoilla ainostaan seksuaalisen väkivallan kuvaamisessa. Taas kerran Bourne onnistuu nimittäin luomaan moniulotteisen päähenkilön, joka herättää lukijassa voimakkaita empatian tunteita. Kuten aina, Bourne kuvaa myös naisten välistä ystävyyttä kauniisti. Ainoastaan chick lit -kirjallisuuden klassikkokliseelle, gay best friend -hahmolle rypistelin kulmiani. Kirja sai itkemään, se teki vihaiseksi, se synnytti perhosia vatsanpohjaan – ja aika ajoin myös nauratti. Melkoinen vuoristorata, aivan upea sellainen! 5/5
Teeskeltelyä (2021, Gummerus, suom. Kristiina Vaara, kirja pyydetty kustantajalta arvostelukappaleena) on uuden ajan vihaista, feminististä (viihde)kirjallisuutta. Kipeää, raivoisaa ja silti valoisaa. Kirja kertoo kolmekymppisestä Aprilista, jonka ex-poikaystävä on raiskannut. April yrittää jättää väkivaltaisen kokemuksen taakseen, mutta treffeillä hän törmää toistuvasti seksismiin ja urpoileviin miehiin. April uskoo, että ainoa keino löytää parisuhde on ruveta Greteliksi, fantastiseksi naiseksi, josta kaikki miehet haaveilevat. Niinpä hän kirjautuu treffisovelukseen nimellä Gretel valmiina hurmaamaan kaikki miehet.
En ole koskaan aiemmin lukenut kirjaa, jossa olisi yhtä upealla tavalla käsitelty raiskauksen aiheuttamaa traumaa. Usein raiskauksen käsittely typistyy raiskaustilanteen kauhun kuvaamiseen, mutta pitkäaikaiset vaikutukset uhriin sivuutetaan kokonaan. Teeskentelyä edistääkin erinomaisella tavalla seksuaalisen väkivallan uhrin ymmärtämistä. Kirja myös hälventää raiskausmyyttejä (eli virheellisiä raiskaukseen liittyviä käsityksiä) mielettömän hienosti!
Tuntuu jotenkin tosi väärältä olla fiiliksissään kirjasta, joka käsittelee näin kamalaa aihetta. Kuitenkin vahingollisia ja virheellisiä mielikuvia raiskauksesta välittäviä representaatioita on niin paljon, että tämä yksi, jossa kaikki on kuosissa, saa tällaisen seksuaalista väkivaltaa gradussaan tutkivan humanistin sydämen läikähtelemään riemusta. Ja samalla kirjan sanoma on valoisa: vaikka seksuaalinen väkivalta on hirveää, traumatisoivaa ja kammottavan yleistä, siitä on mahdollista selvitä.
Kirja ei ole vahvoilla ainostaan seksuaalisen väkivallan kuvaamisessa. Taas kerran Bourne onnistuu nimittäin luomaan moniulotteisen päähenkilön, joka herättää lukijassa voimakkaita empatian tunteita. Kuten aina, Bourne kuvaa myös naisten välistä ystävyyttä kauniisti. Ainoastaan chick lit -kirjallisuuden klassikkokliseelle, gay best friend -hahmolle rypistelin kulmiani. Kirja sai itkemään, se teki vihaiseksi, se synnytti perhosia vatsanpohjaan – ja aika ajoin myös nauratti. Melkoinen vuoristorata, aivan upea sellainen! 5/5
May 5, 2020
I read this book in a day, I just couldn't get enough.
I think it says a lot about how well written and entertaining the book is. It grips you with the first "I hate men." sentence and doesn't let you go. It has strong themes of acceptance of yourself, mental health, abuse, female friendship, and of course, love. The best thing about this book is how relatable is it about being a woman and navigating the confusing world of dating and understanding men. I also really loved how the book ended, burying stereotypes.
The book was really good, but I must admit, I expected it to be something a little different. There were several laugh out loud moments, but overall it was more sad than funny. Anyway, it was really amazing to see April's journey to get better.
It also reminded me of other Holly's books I read. I am sure that if this is your first or second book by the author you will love it, but when you devoured a lot of her books in some recent time, maybe wait a little bit longer to read this one.
I think it says a lot about how well written and entertaining the book is. It grips you with the first "I hate men." sentence and doesn't let you go. It has strong themes of acceptance of yourself, mental health, abuse, female friendship, and of course, love. The best thing about this book is how relatable is it about being a woman and navigating the confusing world of dating and understanding men. I also really loved how the book ended, burying stereotypes.
The book was really good, but I must admit, I expected it to be something a little different. There were several laugh out loud moments, but overall it was more sad than funny. Anyway, it was really amazing to see April's journey to get better.
It also reminded me of other Holly's books I read. I am sure that if this is your first or second book by the author you will love it, but when you devoured a lot of her books in some recent time, maybe wait a little bit longer to read this one.
April 9, 2022
Um romance que aborda temas importantíssimos como o papel da mulher na sociedade, estereótipos, ansiedade, depressão, insegurança, baixa autoestima, violação, entre outros. Poderoso e muito eapecial.
November 30, 2020
3.5 stars.
Holly Bourne's new novel, Pretending , is a thought-provoking look at a woman’s struggles, both in dating and emotionally.
April wants to be in a relationship. She’s pretty, smart, kind, thoughtful, and tremendously empathetic, but she can’t seem to make it beyond the fifth date with a guy before they break it off or ghost her. It’s shattered her confidence and self-esteem, but it's also causing her hatred of men to grow, too.
On a whim she creates an alter ego, Gretel, who has tremendous self-confidence and knows how to hold her own when it comes to dating and romance. She thinks Gretel is the type of woman all men would like to date. When she meets Joshua, as Gretel she has control of the relationship for the first time, and she likes how confident she feels instead of constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
But as they grow closer, when is the appropriate time for April to stop pretending and tell Joshua the truth? And if she’s able to pretend so successfully in this aspect of her life, what else isn’t she dealing with?
I liked the concept of Pretending as it captured dating in the #MeToo world. It’s humorous at times but also very emotionally powerful, and it definitely made me think.
While the book took a humorous approach to the whole “I hate men” thing, there were more serious things in play at the same time. I feel like April wasn’t dealing with some past trauma, and that was just as much an issue as the dating foibles she had to face. At times that put a damper on the book's sense of humor.
I was lucky to be on the blog tour for this book. Mira Books provided me with a complimentary copy of the book in exchange for an unbiased review. Thanks for making it available!
Check out my list of the best books I read in 2019 at https://itseithersadnessoreuphoria.blogspot.com/2020/01/the-best-books-i-read-in-2019.html.
Check out my list of the best books of the decade at https://itseithersadnessoreuphoria.blogspot.com/2020/01/my-favorite-books-of-decade.html.
See all of my reviews at itseithersadnessoreuphoria.blogspot.com.
Follow me on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/the.bookishworld.of.yrralh/.
Holly Bourne's new novel, Pretending , is a thought-provoking look at a woman’s struggles, both in dating and emotionally.
April wants to be in a relationship. She’s pretty, smart, kind, thoughtful, and tremendously empathetic, but she can’t seem to make it beyond the fifth date with a guy before they break it off or ghost her. It’s shattered her confidence and self-esteem, but it's also causing her hatred of men to grow, too.
On a whim she creates an alter ego, Gretel, who has tremendous self-confidence and knows how to hold her own when it comes to dating and romance. She thinks Gretel is the type of woman all men would like to date. When she meets Joshua, as Gretel she has control of the relationship for the first time, and she likes how confident she feels instead of constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
But as they grow closer, when is the appropriate time for April to stop pretending and tell Joshua the truth? And if she’s able to pretend so successfully in this aspect of her life, what else isn’t she dealing with?
I liked the concept of Pretending as it captured dating in the #MeToo world. It’s humorous at times but also very emotionally powerful, and it definitely made me think.
While the book took a humorous approach to the whole “I hate men” thing, there were more serious things in play at the same time. I feel like April wasn’t dealing with some past trauma, and that was just as much an issue as the dating foibles she had to face. At times that put a damper on the book's sense of humor.
I was lucky to be on the blog tour for this book. Mira Books provided me with a complimentary copy of the book in exchange for an unbiased review. Thanks for making it available!
Check out my list of the best books I read in 2019 at https://itseithersadnessoreuphoria.blogspot.com/2020/01/the-best-books-i-read-in-2019.html.
Check out my list of the best books of the decade at https://itseithersadnessoreuphoria.blogspot.com/2020/01/my-favorite-books-of-decade.html.
See all of my reviews at itseithersadnessoreuphoria.blogspot.com.
Follow me on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/the.bookishworld.of.yrralh/.
July 18, 2020
Trigger warning: sexual assault and rape.
April hates men. Well, all right, she doesn’t hate men. But she does hate the way they make her feel, especially her abusive ex-partner. Pretending is essentially April’s personal journey to being able to deal with her past trauma. The sexual assault had a profound effect on her; it affects her relationships, how she copes with work, and how she thinks about herself. Going on dates with men who treat her badly is absolutely not helping, so she’s had enough. April decides to date and portray herself as Gretel – a woman who’s carefree, exciting, independent, and spontaneous – a woman that men will adore, when she meets Joshua. But what happens when Joshua starts to fall for Gretel?
Continue reading this review over on Pretty Books.
#gifted: Thank you to the publisher for sending me this book for free in exchange for an honest review!
April hates men. Well, all right, she doesn’t hate men. But she does hate the way they make her feel, especially her abusive ex-partner. Pretending is essentially April’s personal journey to being able to deal with her past trauma. The sexual assault had a profound effect on her; it affects her relationships, how she copes with work, and how she thinks about herself. Going on dates with men who treat her badly is absolutely not helping, so she’s had enough. April decides to date and portray herself as Gretel – a woman who’s carefree, exciting, independent, and spontaneous – a woman that men will adore, when she meets Joshua. But what happens when Joshua starts to fall for Gretel?
Continue reading this review over on Pretty Books.
#gifted: Thank you to the publisher for sending me this book for free in exchange for an honest review!
June 5, 2020
The summary for this book is so misleading and does not do it justice at all. This is NOT a "light" book. And don't let it fool you with the opening line - I swear she's going somewhere with it.
It covers abuse and its eternal consequences for the victims and I found myself crying with the women of the boxing class. It honestly has so much more depth than it seems when you read its summary and oh, damn, did it make me think. I'm definitely thinking of all the Aprils out there who suffer atrocities beyond imaginable.
That aside, I've never related to any character in a book more than I related to April. I read myself in so many of her thoughts, expectations, disappointments and overall fears when it comes to self-worthiness and love. I was physically nodding and wanting to scream "I KNOW! EXACTLY!".
I don't consider it to be a light book but, in a way, it was also not a heavy one. It was, to say the least, insightful and very real.
I'm unsure of my rating so I'll just leave it at 4 and come back to it later.
It covers abuse and its eternal consequences for the victims and I found myself crying with the women of the boxing class. It honestly has so much more depth than it seems when you read its summary and oh, damn, did it make me think. I'm definitely thinking of all the Aprils out there who suffer atrocities beyond imaginable.
That aside, I've never related to any character in a book more than I related to April. I read myself in so many of her thoughts, expectations, disappointments and overall fears when it comes to self-worthiness and love. I was physically nodding and wanting to scream "I KNOW! EXACTLY!".
I don't consider it to be a light book but, in a way, it was also not a heavy one. It was, to say the least, insightful and very real.
I'm unsure of my rating so I'll just leave it at 4 and come back to it later.
June 17, 2020
Es ist alles so wahr und deshalb traurig
April 29, 2021
Ohne jegliche Übertreibung, eins der besten Bücher, die ich jemals gelesen habe.
April 3, 2021
Alle YA boeken van Holly Bourne vind ik FANTASTISCH, haar andere boek voor volwassenen, Vind ik leuk?!, vond ik vreselijk. Met deze kon het dus alle kanten uit.
Holly Bourne is op Instagram ook een echte must-follow vind ik (natuurlijk drop ik een link om het jullie makkelijk te maken). Ze is veel bezig met gezonde relaties in media/film/boeken, en ook welke niet. Dit licht ze vaak ook toe. En ik ben dan ook weer heel blij dat ze bijvoorbeeld To all the boys I've loved before goed vind :)
Met hoe ze over zware onderwerpen kan schrijven, vind ik al haar boeken dus wel veelbelovend. Dit boek schuwt wat heftigheid ook niet, als een trigger warning voor seksueel geweld en zaken die daarmee te maken hebben je normaal afschrikken, dan moet je misschien twee keer nadenken voor je dit boek op je lijst zet.
MAAR. En dit is een hele grote maar. In dit boek gaat het over het omgaan met, over de nasleep. En daar schrijft Holly Bourne op een hele goede en onderbouwde manier over, dat merk je aan allerlei details. Dit boek kan misschien juist goed zijn als zo'n trigger warning je normaal afschrikt. Het kan helpen, het kan je ogen openen. Het is een heel sterk boek, vind ik.
Qua plot dacht ik op een gegeven moment wel 'waar gaat dit heen, waarom doet het hoofdpersonage dit in hemelsnaam', maar nu ik het boek uit heb, snap ik de keuze van de auteur voor dit plot zeker. Maar plottechnisch vind ik het boek 3*.
En dan toch een hogere rating? Omdat het boek me heel veel geleerd heeft. Omdat het personage heel realistisch aanvoelt. Omdat de research en kennis van de auteur over dit onderwerp eraf spat. Zo zouden meer boeken moeten zijn, maar dat zijn ze helaas lang niet allemaal, deze steekt voor mij met kop en schouders boven het maaiveld uit, en dat verdient gewoon een dikke 5* vind ik! Dit boek zal ik niet snel vergeten, het zal me bijblijven. En ik zal er ook vaak aan terug moeten denken.
Holly Bourne is op Instagram ook een echte must-follow vind ik (natuurlijk drop ik een link om het jullie makkelijk te maken). Ze is veel bezig met gezonde relaties in media/film/boeken, en ook welke niet. Dit licht ze vaak ook toe. En ik ben dan ook weer heel blij dat ze bijvoorbeeld To all the boys I've loved before goed vind :)
Met hoe ze over zware onderwerpen kan schrijven, vind ik al haar boeken dus wel veelbelovend. Dit boek schuwt wat heftigheid ook niet, als een trigger warning voor seksueel geweld en zaken die daarmee te maken hebben je normaal afschrikken, dan moet je misschien twee keer nadenken voor je dit boek op je lijst zet.
MAAR. En dit is een hele grote maar. In dit boek gaat het over het omgaan met, over de nasleep. En daar schrijft Holly Bourne op een hele goede en onderbouwde manier over, dat merk je aan allerlei details. Dit boek kan misschien juist goed zijn als zo'n trigger warning je normaal afschrikt. Het kan helpen, het kan je ogen openen. Het is een heel sterk boek, vind ik.
Qua plot dacht ik op een gegeven moment wel 'waar gaat dit heen, waarom doet het hoofdpersonage dit in hemelsnaam', maar nu ik het boek uit heb, snap ik de keuze van de auteur voor dit plot zeker. Maar plottechnisch vind ik het boek 3*.
En dan toch een hogere rating? Omdat het boek me heel veel geleerd heeft. Omdat het personage heel realistisch aanvoelt. Omdat de research en kennis van de auteur over dit onderwerp eraf spat. Zo zouden meer boeken moeten zijn, maar dat zijn ze helaas lang niet allemaal, deze steekt voor mij met kop en schouders boven het maaiveld uit, en dat verdient gewoon een dikke 5* vind ik! Dit boek zal ik niet snel vergeten, het zal me bijblijven. En ik zal er ook vaak aan terug moeten denken.
June 23, 2020
I've just finished reading Pretending by Holly Bourne. It was a good read. I loved the writing and the idea of finding a partner for the rest of your life. Also the biggest take I got from this book is how to control your emotions when it comes to a relationship.
April went on a few dates with a guy named Simon, who she thought was the one but the relationship that was just about to begin ended up failing because of some reasons. She's getting fedup with men.
April just want to be like Gretel but the thing is Gretel is a fictional character created by April because in her mind Gretel is perfect.
One day, she met a guy named Joshua from a dating app and she pretended to be someone else. She pretended to be Gretel. Because why not? Gretel's perfect. Gretel is all men want. Everything that happened when she is Gretel turned out to be perfect. When she is April, she is kind of suck. She hates that. April and Joshua grew closer. But like in the synopsis says, how long will April be able to keep pretending?
5 ⭐️ One of the books that I enjoyed reading this year! Full review is coming soon.
Thank you #Pansing @definitelybooks for sending me a copy of Pretending in return for an honest review.
April went on a few dates with a guy named Simon, who she thought was the one but the relationship that was just about to begin ended up failing because of some reasons. She's getting fedup with men.
April just want to be like Gretel but the thing is Gretel is a fictional character created by April because in her mind Gretel is perfect.
One day, she met a guy named Joshua from a dating app and she pretended to be someone else. She pretended to be Gretel. Because why not? Gretel's perfect. Gretel is all men want. Everything that happened when she is Gretel turned out to be perfect. When she is April, she is kind of suck. She hates that. April and Joshua grew closer. But like in the synopsis says, how long will April be able to keep pretending?
5 ⭐️ One of the books that I enjoyed reading this year! Full review is coming soon.
Thank you #Pansing @definitelybooks for sending me a copy of Pretending in return for an honest review.
November 23, 2020
What a genuinely surprising story! It's one of the funniest books I've read in a long time, combined with April's deeply rooted trauma and pain makes this a complex blend of that somehow strikes the perfect balance of humor and heart.
I loved April's voice - she's in a lot of pain and resentment in the beginning of the story and is desperate to act out her revenge, lamenting all the ways men have let her down. She goes on quite the journey through the story and while the premise is over-the-top, it creates a lot of tension and drama, but it is also the vehicle for April to begin her journey to healing, so for that I was able to get by all the oh no!
I received a copy of the book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
I loved April's voice - she's in a lot of pain and resentment in the beginning of the story and is desperate to act out her revenge, lamenting all the ways men have let her down. She goes on quite the journey through the story and while the premise is over-the-top, it creates a lot of tension and drama, but it is also the vehicle for April to begin her journey to healing, so for that I was able to get by all the oh no!
I received a copy of the book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
September 15, 2020
I love Holly Bourne I love Holly Bourne I love Holly Bourne - did I mention I love Holly Bourne????
September 15, 2020
"Guilt is the luxury of the powerful."
TW: rape, emotional abuse, slut-shaming, anxiety, catfishing, victim blaming, sexual assault, PTSD, trauma, fat-phobia
Unpopular Opinion Time 🐸☕️
Actual rating: 2.5 ⭐️
Empowering, remarkable, important.
Those are three adjectives with which I would describe Pretending to you.
And I truly cannot stress this enough. The messages this book offered are important and need to be internalized by every single soul walking this Earth.
But I also have to be honest and I cannot hide to you that Pretending left me a bit (or a lot, actually) disappointed.
I have always thoroughly and unquestionably enjoyed Holly Bourne’s novels. And this one was no different.
This book tackled so many issues and topics it is hard to properly highlight everything.
Let me give it a try.
April is a woman. A woman with a personality, and fears and hopes and doubts and trauma. She has been finding it hard to meet a partner and she believes that’s because of who she is as a person. After yet another heartbreak she decides to tailor herself so to be more pleasing to men; to not be “too much” so to be desirable. She then becomes Gretel and catfishes somebody with this new, cool and polished (and totally not real) version of her.
So there is a commentary regarding one’s identity and the self-doubts and struggles one goes through both when dating and simply when living. As well as the double standards specifically reserved for women when it comes to sex and emotions.
April is thirty-three. Time is ticking and she is still not married; she does not have kids. She is not in a stable relationship.
So there is a commentary regarding how today’s society is pushing us all to date, to be with somebody, to have children and follow that one path, the only acceptable path, of dating-marrying-having-children in a very specific and strict timespan.
April has been raped. She has trauma, she has anxiety, she has been sexually assaulted by her ex boyfriend and now she has baggage.
So there is a commentary regarding rape culture, sexual assault and harassment in general. How society deals with it (or does not deal with it) and how people react to that, and live and survive after that.
It was an adult contemporary both insightful and striking. It was at times emotional to read, but it was still enjoyable and important.
Many important topics were tackled within a feminist approach.
But this would not be a Rather Random Review™️ if I were not here to complain.
So, up until the 60% mark everything was going smoothly. I thought the plot (even if weak) was interesting specifically because of the commentaries offered.
Little did I know that things were about to change.
As always, and this happens to me every single time I read a Holly Bourne novel, I personally thought the last third of the book was too preachy and the (vital and amazing) messages were repeated too much and too often.
This always lowers my overall enjoyment of Holly Bourne’s books as the nail gets hit way too much on its head and everything loses its power and bite.
By being repeated so much, the messages lacked nuance. It was a bit too much spoon fed for my likings. It is almost academic, didactic. Some parts read like they were the first words in a class about feminism and sexual assault; for example, the scene where the concept of “rape spectrum” is tackled seemed to be a teacher’s speech more than an actual discussion.
So the last third was just too school-like for me, and I did not particularly enjoy that. All the wonderful truths that were peppered throughout the book got condensed and repeated ad nauseam in the end, and I just couldn’t deal with it anymore as everything lost its power and weight.
And my frustration did nothing but grow especially because the ending itself was predictable and too much like a fairytale – hence destroying all the powerful messages offered before.
After all the feminist discussions, the self-discovery, the stress given to the importance of self-love of self-respect and of one’s identity not to be based on the mere fact of having a partner, the novel finished in a somewhat classic, patriarchal way.
All was well because of a man.
Which I honestly thought that
1. It was not needed.
2. It went against literally everything that has been said throughout the book.
3. It was just too cheesy and sappy.
4. It was just a joke.
All in all this book was enjoyable.
Unfortunately, towards the end the messages got cheapened by the repetition and the ending itself. The feminism so strongly celebrated throughout the whole novel also fell flat because of the fairytale ending.
I am not going to lie. I struggled with how to rate Pretending.
The messages themselves deserve nothing less than a five (5) stars, but how can I actually give this rating when those messages were almost denied by the ending of the book itself?
In a book such as this one, the messages are what make the novel stand out, you know. But the complete 180 these same messages took in the end were the demise of Pretending.
The patriarchy was challenged (as it should be), but was it really?
I was not particularly comfortable with how men were portrayed. And this is a very strange thing to say but hear me out.
April starts the novel by affirming ”I hate men” and finishes by stating ”I hate some men. Her point of view ever so slightly changed because she met one decent guy, because literally every single other male character present in the story is, to say it quite frankly, a piece of shit. Which, in my opinion, does not sit well in the feminist narrative that should be told. Firstly, because the goal is balance and equality (and not a matriarchy – you are not a feminist because you hate all men), and secondly because the stress in this book was given to the fact that a woman does not need a man to be somebody.
Instead, almost every female character in the book is married or desperately looking for a man. And this goes (yet again) against the overall desired message.
Why was April’s flatmate’s character arc based on her getting her heart broken by a guy even if we were told she was independent, successful and happy since the day she swore men off?
Why was April’s school friend’s story centered around getting married and her now-husband giving an abominable speech which broke her heart in a million pieces?
Both of these ladies completely and unquestionably did not inscribe themselves into the feminist discussion Pretending pretended (ah, see what I did here?) to be about. Instead, these two characters’ actions and April’s own only added to the narrative of a female being silenced and heartbroken because of a man, and of a girl only finding the right path because of a relationship.
And, in my books, that’s not very modern, feminist and progressive.
But maybe I’m just stupid.
It also did not help that The Places I’ve Cried in Public – the latest YA contemporary by Holly Bourne herself – tackled the exact same topics only in a young-adult-appropriate setting. It felt like reading the same story twice, which I thought was a bit of a cheap move :/
In short.
This felt like a halfhearted attempt to fight the patriarchy.
Great messages, sure, but everything else came straight from the fire-y pits of Hell and made this book a huge disappointment.
"It’s the violation that’s the violence, don’t you see? It’s knowing your boundaries mean bugger-all that’s the trauma – that anyone can touch you, that how you feel about it doesn’t count."
TW: rape, emotional abuse, slut-shaming, anxiety, catfishing, victim blaming, sexual assault, PTSD, trauma, fat-phobia
Unpopular Opinion Time 🐸☕️
Actual rating: 2.5 ⭐️
Empowering, remarkable, important.
Those are three adjectives with which I would describe Pretending to you.
And I truly cannot stress this enough. The messages this book offered are important and need to be internalized by every single soul walking this Earth.
But I also have to be honest and I cannot hide to you that Pretending left me a bit (or a lot, actually) disappointed.
I have always thoroughly and unquestionably enjoyed Holly Bourne’s novels. And this one was no different.
This book tackled so many issues and topics it is hard to properly highlight everything.
Let me give it a try.
April is a woman. A woman with a personality, and fears and hopes and doubts and trauma. She has been finding it hard to meet a partner and she believes that’s because of who she is as a person. After yet another heartbreak she decides to tailor herself so to be more pleasing to men; to not be “too much” so to be desirable. She then becomes Gretel and catfishes somebody with this new, cool and polished (and totally not real) version of her.
So there is a commentary regarding one’s identity and the self-doubts and struggles one goes through both when dating and simply when living. As well as the double standards specifically reserved for women when it comes to sex and emotions.
April is thirty-three. Time is ticking and she is still not married; she does not have kids. She is not in a stable relationship.
So there is a commentary regarding how today’s society is pushing us all to date, to be with somebody, to have children and follow that one path, the only acceptable path, of dating-marrying-having-children in a very specific and strict timespan.
April has been raped. She has trauma, she has anxiety, she has been sexually assaulted by her ex boyfriend and now she has baggage.
So there is a commentary regarding rape culture, sexual assault and harassment in general. How society deals with it (or does not deal with it) and how people react to that, and live and survive after that.
It was an adult contemporary both insightful and striking. It was at times emotional to read, but it was still enjoyable and important.
Many important topics were tackled within a feminist approach.
But this would not be a Rather Random Review™️ if I were not here to complain.
So, up until the 60% mark everything was going smoothly. I thought the plot (even if weak) was interesting specifically because of the commentaries offered.
Little did I know that things were about to change.
As always, and this happens to me every single time I read a Holly Bourne novel, I personally thought the last third of the book was too preachy and the (vital and amazing) messages were repeated too much and too often.
This always lowers my overall enjoyment of Holly Bourne’s books as the nail gets hit way too much on its head and everything loses its power and bite.
By being repeated so much, the messages lacked nuance. It was a bit too much spoon fed for my likings. It is almost academic, didactic. Some parts read like they were the first words in a class about feminism and sexual assault; for example, the scene where the concept of “rape spectrum” is tackled seemed to be a teacher’s speech more than an actual discussion.
So the last third was just too school-like for me, and I did not particularly enjoy that. All the wonderful truths that were peppered throughout the book got condensed and repeated ad nauseam in the end, and I just couldn’t deal with it anymore as everything lost its power and weight.
And my frustration did nothing but grow especially because the ending itself was predictable and too much like a fairytale – hence destroying all the powerful messages offered before.
After all the feminist discussions, the self-discovery, the stress given to the importance of self-love of self-respect and of one’s identity not to be based on the mere fact of having a partner, the novel finished in a somewhat classic, patriarchal way.
All was well because of a man.
Which I honestly thought that
1. It was not needed.
2. It went against literally everything that has been said throughout the book.
3. It was just too cheesy and sappy.
4. It was just a joke.
All in all this book was enjoyable.
Unfortunately, towards the end the messages got cheapened by the repetition and the ending itself. The feminism so strongly celebrated throughout the whole novel also fell flat because of the fairytale ending.
I am not going to lie. I struggled with how to rate Pretending.
The messages themselves deserve nothing less than a five (5) stars, but how can I actually give this rating when those messages were almost denied by the ending of the book itself?
In a book such as this one, the messages are what make the novel stand out, you know. But the complete 180 these same messages took in the end were the demise of Pretending.
The patriarchy was challenged (as it should be), but was it really?
I was not particularly comfortable with how men were portrayed. And this is a very strange thing to say but hear me out.
April starts the novel by affirming ”I hate men” and finishes by stating ”I hate some men. Her point of view ever so slightly changed because she met one decent guy, because literally every single other male character present in the story is, to say it quite frankly, a piece of shit. Which, in my opinion, does not sit well in the feminist narrative that should be told. Firstly, because the goal is balance and equality (and not a matriarchy – you are not a feminist because you hate all men), and secondly because the stress in this book was given to the fact that a woman does not need a man to be somebody.
Instead, almost every female character in the book is married or desperately looking for a man. And this goes (yet again) against the overall desired message.
Why was April’s flatmate’s character arc based on her getting her heart broken by a guy even if we were told she was independent, successful and happy since the day she swore men off?
Why was April’s school friend’s story centered around getting married and her now-husband giving an abominable speech which broke her heart in a million pieces?
Both of these ladies completely and unquestionably did not inscribe themselves into the feminist discussion Pretending pretended (ah, see what I did here?) to be about. Instead, these two characters’ actions and April’s own only added to the narrative of a female being silenced and heartbroken because of a man, and of a girl only finding the right path because of a relationship.
And, in my books, that’s not very modern, feminist and progressive.
But maybe I’m just stupid.
It also did not help that The Places I’ve Cried in Public – the latest YA contemporary by Holly Bourne herself – tackled the exact same topics only in a young-adult-appropriate setting. It felt like reading the same story twice, which I thought was a bit of a cheap move :/
In short.
This felt like a halfhearted attempt to fight the patriarchy.
Great messages, sure, but everything else came straight from the fire-y pits of Hell and made this book a huge disappointment.
"It’s the violation that’s the violence, don’t you see? It’s knowing your boundaries mean bugger-all that’s the trauma – that anyone can touch you, that how you feel about it doesn’t count."
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