How I Met Your Mother (season 8)

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How I Met Your Mother (2005–14) is an American sitcom, which aired on CBS. The series is narrated through flashbacks from the future, in which an older version of the main character, Ted Mosby, tells his two children the story of how he met their mother with the help of his best friend, Marshall Eriksen, Marshall's wife Lily Aldrin, and their two friends Barney Stinson and Robin Scherbatsky.

Farhampton [8.01]

Lily: [whispers to Marshall] I almost blurted out that Barney used to date Robin.

Quinn: Barney used to date Robin?! [Lily and Marshall are surprised]

[Ted tries to coach Victoria into writing her runaway-bride note]

Victoria: [starts to write letter] Klaus...

Ted: Just Klaus? Give it some heart, the poor guy!

Victoria: "Dear sweet Klaus..."

Ted: Sweet? So what, are you still in love with this jerk?

Victoria: I'm doing this on my own.

Ted: I'm sorry, I feel bad for the guy. I'm stealing the greatest girl in the world away from him.

Victoria: You're not stealing me. I'm choosing you...[kisses him] because you are loving, you are caring, and [gives note to Ted] you are going to give him this note.

Ted: You're expecting me to go there?

Victoria: It took me everything I had to climb out of that church window...and if I had to go back there, I'm not sure if I can do it again.

Ted: [gets note and leaves car but enters and rubs note in Victoria's face] It has to smell like you.

The Pre-Nup [8.02]

[Quinn pores over Barney's prenup and notices a certain provision]

Quinn: I have to pay 2,000 dollars every time I gain a pound?!

Barney: Not every time. Just if it shows up at the weekly weigh-in.

[Arthur Hobbs has had enough of the couples' squabbling over Barney and Quinn's pre-nups]

Arthur Hobbs: Enough, ENOOUGH! [couples stop] You all have someone who loves you and you're screwing it up over what, who has the most power? That's not love. Love is trusting someone enough to tell them what's really bothering you - and you know what? That's what we're gonna do. [to Marshall] You, start!

Marshall: [to Lily] When you got scared about Marvin, it felt like you were saying that I'm not as good a parent as you. You're an amazing mom, and I will look up to that.

Lily: I probably have trust issues because my dad wasn't there for me, but I know that you'll always be there to catch Marvin.

Hobbs: [to Ted and Victoria] You, next!

Ted: Having Klaus back in our lives made me scared we're never gonna escape the past.

Victoria: I only wanted to help Klaus because I feel guilty of how happy I am with you.

Hobbs: [to Robin and Nick] Next!

Nick: I find you so sexy, it just hurt that you don't feel the same way about me.

Robin: I get turned on watching myself do the news during sex.

Nick: Oh... That's cool. [leaves with her]

Hobbs: Look at that, no legal documents needed, just honesty and vulnerability. That's love! You see, I once loved someone, only I didn't say it enough. Now I wish I could say it everyday - hell, I don't care if its crazy, I'm doing it. [calls ex-wife] Hello Darlene? Put Tugboat on the line. Hey buddy! Hey it's the man! [leaves conference room]

Future Ted: And for a moment, all felt right with the world, but that very night, the Autumn of Breakups would claim its first victims.

Nannies [8.03]

[Barney is ready to get back on the market at MacLaren's]

Barney: Welcome to Bangtoberfest! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt, [shoots T-shirt roll at Ted] I'm back! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt, I'm single again! [continues shooting rolls; one hits woman] Sorry about your eye, I'm available!

Ted: [reads shirt message] Bangtoberfest. This time it's really not personal.

Robin: Barney, you went through some really emotional stuff. You need to give yourself some time to heal.

Barney: Robin, I spent seven grand on merch. This is happening. [puts cap on Robin's head]

[Lily discovers that her father took care of baby Marvin all day]

Lily: Wow. That's incredible. When did you get so good with kids?

Mickey Aldrin: You know something honey, you don't know this. For the first few years of your life, your mom worked while I was a stay-at-home dad.

Lily: I thought Grandma and Grampa took care of me.

Mickey: Well, they visited a lot, but I was the one who took care of you. You know, America thinks I ran into that burning house to get potato salad, but actually, I ran into the house to get this photo album - and potato salad. [shows Lily album]

Lily: Dad, I never realized you were there for me. How come there are no pictures of me after preschool?

Mickey: Well...

[recounts flashback of first day at preschool]

Mickey: Well, have fun on your first day at preschool, princess. [kisses Lily and gives her food] Well, off you go. [after Lily gets inside classroom] Ugh, how am I gonna make it to three o'clock without her? [sees newspaper] Belmont Racetrack? Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to bet just once.

[back to present]

Mickey: Six months later, guess what gambling addict's thumbs had pins on them? [flashes badly deformed thumbs] This guy! ... Look honey, I wasn't there for most of your childhood and I regret that every single day of my life, but I promise you, I'm here now for Marvin. If you want.

Lily: You're hired. [embraces Mickey]

Who Wants to be a Godparent? [8.04]

[Marshall asks Barney about how he has been doing and Barney is forced to think]

Barney: [in thoughts, remembering woman he just nailed] Not an eight. At best she was a six, six and a half, more like a four by the time I was done with her. Mental self-five. [to Marshall] Everything's great.

[Barney, Ted, and Robin bicker over the results of Who Wants to be a Godparent?]

Marshall: Guys, guys, guys, okay alright!! Obviously, none of you knows what it means to be a parent.

Barney: [scoffs] Obviously, neither of you two know what it means to be a friend anymore.

Marshall: [offended] What are you talking about?

Ted: Think about it. This is the most we've seen of you two in, five months.

Robin: You don't seem to care what's going on in our lives unless it's an eight or higher.

Marshall: Well, what do you expect? We have a baby now.

Lily: Yeah, the days of closing down MacLaren's are over ... unless you want to get up with us at 5:13 in the morning to a screaming baby.

Ted: So, that's it, the end of an era, just like that?

Marshall: Look, we're sorry if we don't have enough time to sit down at the bar listening to silly little dating problems. When you have a baby, it's not just the most important thing in your life, it's the only important thing. When are you guys gonna get that?

Ted: Think we get it. [leaves with Barney and Robin]

The Autumn of Breakups [8.05]

[Barney chances upon Robin and Nick at the bar]

Barney: Guys, I got a new bro. A bro that puts all other bros to shame. The bitches love him. Haa!! He buries bones all day. [whoops] No one chases tail like him. Oooow!! Why aren't you guys laughing? Oh I should have let you on this - he's a dog! [points to bar, where a number of women adore a dog] I call him... "Brover." I'll go - owww! - fetch him.

[at MacLaren's]

Ted: There's something I need to tell you. I've thought about this a ton and I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but... I'm not in love with Robin, but she's like family to me, and I can't end that. So, can you accept that?

Victoria: [bitterly holds Ted's hand] I really hope you get her someday. [leaves in tears]

Splitsville [8.06]

[Marshall explains why the Force Majeurs recruited Nick as a ringer]

Marshall: If Joel uses ringers, so can we, and Nick is our best player, so as far as I am concerned, he can both keep your groins on ice.

Ted: "Groins On Ice"... Least popular Madison Square Garden holiday show ever.

Robin: Why are you so into this basketball league?

Marshall: Robin, its the Little Ivies Professionals Over 30 Who Work In Midtown League. It's The Show!

Lily: You know, it's kinda funny imagining people icing their groins. First it would get a little cold... then the ice would start to melt... things will get all wet, and steamy...

[At Splitsville, Barney has witnessed Nick getting amorous with Robin again]

Barney: She can't go home with you, Nick.

Robin: Barney!

Nick: Why not?

Barney: Because Robin and I are in love.

Robin: Barney, what are you doing here?

Barney: Taking care of something you clearly can't do on your own. [to Nick] I'm sorry but you and Robin are done.

Nick: What? Robin, what is this?

Robin: Barney, look I know what you're doing, ok? Please stop.

Barney: Robin doesn't want to hurt your feelings because you're a nice guy, but she thinks you're stupid and she hates you. [To Robin] You're welcome.

Robin: Stop doing this!

Barney: I love her, Nick!

Robin: [stands up] But, he doesn't love me. He's just saying this because he's -

Barney: I love everything about her, and I’m not a guy who says that lightly. I’m a guy who has faked love his entire life. I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt, but this woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to - and there have been times that I wanted to. [Robin looks at him] It has been... overwhelming and humbling and even painful at times, but I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her. More than she knows.

The Stamp Tramp [8.07]

[In trying to say that he can give out stamps of approval, Ted shows off all his old video diaries. One such entry interests Lily]

Ted: So, Marshall Eriksen, you just came back from on your third date with Lily. How was it?

Marshall: Great, yeah I just... I think I'm falling for this girl pretty hard. Is everything happening too fast? Maybe I should see other people -

Ted: Dude, no! Lily Aldrin is special, you hold on to that girl!

Marshall: She is, but I'm only 18 -

Ted: Marshall, you being 18 is not a bad thing. It only just means you get to spend more of your life with her. I mean, like, I'm not gonna meet my wife until like I'm, 23.

Marshall: Right. What am I thinking? I'm in love with this girl.

Lily: [having seen the video] Ted, you gave me the ultimate stamp! And my whole life... [gestures to Marvin] this life, it all goes back to that moment. [embraces Ted]

Ted: [in video] I mean maybe take a month off, bang some chicks, Lily's not going anywhere. [Ted stops video]

[Barney does his own version of LeBron James' Decision Special]

Barney: Man, this whole free agent experience... it's been an unbelievable experience... a real, humbling experience. First all, the Lusty Leopard is where I developed my game. [looks at strippers] I have nothing but the utmost respect for you skanks...

Ted: Let's just go stay at the Lusty Leopard. They have loyalty and heart, I bet you he rewards that.

Marshall: LeBron moved on Ted, so should you.

Barney: ... but Barney Stinson has to do what's right for Barney Stinson's penis. In this fall... This is tough, um, in this fall, I'm going to take my talents ... to Mouth Beach. [Mouth Beach dancers and patrons rejoice]

Twelve Horny Women [8.08]

[in claiming that she was a bad-ass, Lily recounts how she met Scooter during a stroll]

Lily: [sees Scooter] You look okay. Wanna hang out?

Scooter: My mom says I can only have three friends, so -

Lily: Mom don't make the rules no more, Scooter.

Scooter: My name is Geoff.

Lily: Not anymore it ain't. [crushes Scooter's drink can]

Barney: It is super weird between us, and I don't want it to be.

Robin: Me neither.

Barney: So let me just say this: I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.

Robin: What do you mean?

Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise I'm done making a fool of myself.

Robin: Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself...

Barney: It's okay, it's okay. I want it to be okay. So, here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, and then I'm gonna come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar... with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you'll laugh a little anyway. And then you're gonna tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work. But neither one of us is gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!"... because it will actually be good to see you. Think we can swing that?

Robin: [smiles] Yeah, I do.

Barney: Badass. [goes to the bar]

Robin: [quietly, frowning] Huh.

Lobster Crawl [8.09]

[Marshall and Lily talk about Ted's excesses in taking care of Marvin]

Marshall: I think that we've figured out what's wrong with you. You see, after we let you go..

[flashback at apartment]

Lily: [holds book] What is this?

Marshall: 'Marvin's Book of Firsts'? [they browse book]

Lily: [gasps at seeing Ted and Marvin with Santa Claus] Ted took Marvin to see Santa?!? [seethes and closes book] I'm gonna take this book and I'm gonna shove it so far up his-

Marshall: The point is, it made us remember another scrapbook you made. [remembers Building's Book of Firsts about the GNB Tower] That project really was your baby and now it's over, you're scared to move on.

Ted: I poured all my blood, sweat and tears into that building. To be fair, a lot of it happened the day I accidentally fell down that elevator shaft. The point is, it's just really hard to let go, especially since that building's my biggest accomplishment. I mean, maybe if I was where you guys at in life, all you had to be proud of... [Lily gives him a lollipop; they all sit down]

Marshall: We get it, you'll always gonna be Uncle Ted. But if Marvin can't be your next project, you need one of your own, so we rescheduled your meeting with that headhunter. He's over there. [points to black man sitting with children]

[Barney joins Lily and Robin at the bar]

Barney: So, last night, Brandi and I went to the WWN studios where my high-pressure system was ready to slam into her warm front...

[flashback to WWN Studios]

Brandi: So Barney, the studio's unlocked, the weather map is up, ready to do it in 17 different states at once?

Barney: Um, actually, I don't think I want to do that. I'm sorry, I'm gonna go. [leaves her]

Robin: So, you didn't sleep with her?

Barney: Nope. I spent the night thinking how everything I've done since Quinn and I broke up has been a cry for help. Dressing up a dog like me, hooking up with all those nannies...

Robin: Bro-Bibs.

Barney: Nah those are solid.

Lily: Still want in.

Barney: I realized that I'm searching. Searching for what I really want in life, and you know what? I have absolutely no idea what that is.

Robin: Barney...

Barney: But I'm going to figure it out. I have to. Good night, guys.

Robin: God I feel awful. Barney is going through something big and here I've been obsessing about one stupid final hookup to get him out of my system. He needs space and time to figure this out - and I have to give it to him.

The Over-Correction [8.10]

[Ted has had enough of the gang borrowing all his stuff]

Ted: I'll take that. [gets minicooler from Lily] Ted Mosby Store is officially closed. [sees inside of cooler] What spilled in here?

Lily: Breastmilk.

Ted: [gives minicooler to Lily in disgust] Seriously, I give and give, and all I ask back is a little bit of respect! [leaves apartment]

[The gang talks at MacLaren's over Marshall and Lily's parents hooking up.]

Barney: I think you should be happy for them.

Marshall: What? But why? What is good about this?

Barney: Well, first of all, respect to Mickey. Your mom's a piece - she's no Ted's mom, but she's a piece. Secondly, I mean, it's nice that they found each other. Sometimes, you fall for someone you never expect, but that doesn't make it wrong. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?

Lily: I guess none of us ever thought of it that way.

Barney: Next round's on me.

The Final Page [8.11-12]

Part I

[Robin is administering Patrice's yearend performance appraisal - and she just fired her]

Patrice: Why would you fire me?

Robin: Because nobody should be as happy as you are! [goes to door and opens it] and also, your cookies? They're only... pretty good.

Patrice: [tries to step out but turns back at her] Robin, is this really about me?

Robin: [cracking] No its not. [Patrice embraces her]

Sandy Rivers: [enters] The old fire and bang. Respect, Scherbatsky.

Robin: I'm sorry. It's just that seeing you with Barney has run up some old feelings - and I really don't like feelings, but that's not your fault or Barney's fault. It's just really hard seeing you with him.

[Barney has shown Ted a diamond ring]

Ted: Oh my God, Barney -

Barney: You unjinxed me! I'm free!! If the bison on the nickel could heard you talk about them, they would diminish their population even further on purpose. If Lily wants a big wiener in her mouth, she's got my number. And I'm sorry you took all the rap for the farting on the car ride up here, that was me. [sighs]

Ted: The ring, what's the ring?

Barney: Right, the ring. I'm gonna ask Patrice to marry me.

Ted and Barney: Are you serious?

Barney: Jinx! Good, I need to say some things without you interrupting. Yes, I am serious. I know that if you could talk, you'd say I'm crazy, or that I'm overcorrecting, or that I'm moving too fast. But you would be wrong. Look, I've banged my way through every bimbo in the Tri-State Area and it left me feeling nothing but...but broken. But now with Patrice, for the first time in my life, I feel settled and happy. I want to feel this way forever. So tomorrow night, on the roof of the World Wide News building - that's Patrice's favorite spot - I'm gonna ask her to marry me. [cuts off Ted] You're jinxed. I'll unjinx you if you follow these two rules: one: you can't try to talk me out of it, and two: you can't tell anybody. Agreed? [sees Ted assent] It's a jinx swear, so if you break it, I get to hit you in the nuts three times with a Wiffle Ball bat. Thank you, Ted. [Marshall and Lily enter the car] Hi, guys!

Marshall: No, but you're jinxed!

Barney: I tricked Ted into saying my name.

Barney, Marshall and Lily: Aw, come on, Ted!

Barney: Jinx! Jinx! Ha-ha! The reign of terror is back! [Evil laugh] Hey, if you guys don't want me to smoke or fart in here, just speak up. Nothing? Great. Thanks for the spicy beef jerky, dude.

Part II

[Lily and Marshall tell Ted and Robin their plans for a night out]

Lily: My dad just gave us the most amazing Christmas gift ever. Our first night away since Marvin was born.

Marshall: Twenty-four hours straight without that little bastard.

Robin: Oh, this will be a nice memory to share with Marvin when he's older and deciding whether or not to put you in a home.

[Robin has read the play entitled "The Robin" and sees Barney]

Robin: [enraged but almost in tears] Seriously, Barney? Even you, even someone as CERTIFIABLY INSANE as you must realize that this is too far! You lied to me, manipulated me for weeks - do you really think I could ever kiss you after that? Do you really think I could ever trust you after that? [refers to Playbook page] This, this is proof of why we don't work, why we'll never work, so thank you. You've set me free because how could I be with a man who thinks that this trick, this enormous lie could ever make me want to date him again?

Barney: Turn it over. [Robin flips page to read Step 16: Hope she says yes. Barney presents ring] Robin Scherbatsky, will you marry me?

Robin: Yes.

Band or DJ? [8.13]

[Lily and Ted begin jostling over Robin and Barney's wedding]

Robin: I'm looking forward to it.

Lily: Fine I'll do it for you. First thing we need to do is set a date- [reveals binder]

Ted: May 25th, 2013.

Lily: Thank you Ted, the ladies are talking.

Robin: Actually, that is the date. Ted offered to help with the wedding, and well, uh...

Lily: [sees Ted with bigger binder] That's a big binder.

Ted: Oh this? This is just cakes. Anyway, we'll run the ceremony at that beautiful church out on Long Island where Victoria almost got married, lovely spot. And then, we're gonna have a big reception in a big white tent on the front lawn of the hotel. The colors are cream and lilac.

Lily: [bumrushes Ted with Marshall holding her back] I'mma cut you bitch!

[Robin is still angry over being kept in the dark about her father getting married, but decides to meet him at Pizzazzy's and hear his side]

Barney: Your dad has something to say.

Robin Sr: I'm sorry for getting married without consulting you. It was wrong of me.

Barney: There, now Robin-

Robin Sr: I know that no mere apology will fix this, and that is why I've asked Carol for a divorce.

Barney: What?

Robin Sr: She's heartbroken, understandably. Possibly suicidal -

Barney: I did not tell him.

Robin Sr: But if that's the price for my daughter's love, then I will gladly let Carol pay it. Was that not what you wanted?

Robin: You want to know what I want? [Robin Sr nods] A normal dad, that's all. I want you to give this blonde guy permission to marry me, come to the wedding, give me away, smile in the pictures, and then dance with me like a normal dad! Is that too much to ask?

Ring Up! [8.14]

[Barney is angry that Ted slept with his half-sister]

Barney: That's my sister, Ted!!

Ted: I didn't know! None of us even knew you had a sister until two years ago, including you. It's all a crazy coincidence.

Barney: There are four million women in the city of New York and you had to sleep with my sister. Why would the universe do that to me?

Ted: I don't know. It's not like you've treated women in such a way that wouldn't invite karmic retribution.

Barney: You banged my sister, my sweet, little, innocent -

Ted: Pierced.

Barney: Really, where? [gets on] Don't answer that!! Now I know why I felt everything that you did to her last night. It wasn't a Bro-nection - it was a Sis-nection. Oh my God, Ted did you... [whispers in Ted's ear]

Ted: Big-time.

Barney: Nice, high-five [high-fives Ted, but...] No, NO!!!! Retraction Five! [high-fives Ted again and reverses words]

Ted: Hey, hey you're the one who begged for a proxy bang - and while we're on the subject of family, I'm pretty sure you banged my mom! Mom beats sister.

Barney: I never banged your mom! [winks]

Ted: You just did that winking thing again!

Barney: No I didn't. [winks again]

Ted: Fine, let me ask you something - Barney were you a little sore this morning, especially... [whispers in Barney's ear]

Barney: [aghast] Friendship OVER!! [marches out of bar]

[Robin laments to Lily and Marshall not being able to get any freebies because of her being engaged]

Robin: You know what, I love Barney, but this ring thing sucks. This gross guy, brushed against my rack, and then apologized - and I think he really really meant it.

Lily: Sweetie, I know it's nice to be groped by strangers, but nothing beats the rush you get when that one special person looks at you.

Marshall: It's true. Like here in this bar, there's only one thing that I see. [looks at Lily] I see her brightly, and more clearly than anything else in this world. You know what that is? That's love... and possibly alcohol mixed [shows medicine vial] with some very powerful antibiotics.

Lily: And that's how Barney sees you - and I know that's how you see Barney.

P.S. I Love You [8.15]

[The interviewees for Underneath The Tunes lament the aftermath of Robin Daggers' Grey Cup halftime show]

Steven Page: It was tragic. I mean to this day, you ask any Canadian where they were when Robin Sparkles lost it, not only can they tell you which Tim Horton's they were in - but what donut they were eating. Me? Wawa, Ontario. Blueberry fritter.

Geddy Lee: Halifax, Nova Scotia. Walnut crunch.

Luc Robitaille: Victoriaville, Quebec. Sour cream plain.

Alex Trebek: Sudbury, Ontario. Honey dip.

k.d. lang: Red Deer, Alberta. Chocolate glaze.

Jason Priestley: Squamish, British Columbia. Crammed a Timbit into a strawberry vanilla and invented the Priestley. Should have been the best day of my life.

[Barney is dejected about his quest to identify the object of Robin's obsession]

Barney: Can't believe it, I'm a total Dahmer.

Robin: Yeah, but you're my Dahmer, which makes you a Dobler.

Bad Crazy [8.16]

[while "repairing" a cuckoo clock, Barney tells Ted something about Jeannette]

Barney: Cray-cray gotta go bye-bye before you get stab-stabbed.

[In 2030, Robin makes the final confession to Lily over who carried Baby Marvin in 2013]

Lily: You waited 17 years to tell me you met the greatest boxer of all time? My child was rocked to sleep by Senator Mike Tyson?!?!

The Ashtray [8.17]

[Ted asks Barney why he always inserts himself into any historical situations]

Barney: Because crazy stories are my thing. You have architecture, Marshall has the law, Lily has art, Robin has pleasing me sexually, you all have a passion that drives you! Well, I have a passion, it's taking life and turning it into a series of crazy stories. If you can do that without me, then I don't even know who I am anymore.

[Marshall is fuming at Lily for stealing The Captain's ashtray]

Marshall: You're gonna return that ashtray and you gonna pray he doesn't press charges because I can't be in a marriage while one of us is in prison! I know that we roleplay conjugal visits a lot, but I can't do that for realsies.

Lily: I'm sorry, all rulings are final. I am not taking it back.

Marshall: Oh my God. Lily, what is the big deal? Yeah so what, someone said you're just a kindergarten teacher. Why do you let that bother you?

Lily: [tears] Because he was right, I am just a kindergarten teacher and yes, I have a degree in art history and I was meant to do something with it, but I didn't. Somewhere along the line, I forgot to pursue my dream and now I'm old and I'm a mom and it's just too late for me.

Marshall: Lily, it's okay.

Lily: It's just too late...

Marshall: [calms her down] Nonono, it's not too late. It's not too late. You're gonna quit your job tomorrow, and you're gonna, you're gonna go back and pick up right where you left off with that art stuff. And then you know what? I'm gonna find Shelly, and I'mma punch her in the face. Yeah, I'mma punch a girl. Run away. I promise you. Your best and your most exciting days are all ahead of you.

Lily: I love you so much for saying that, but there get's to be a point in life where that it just stops being true. I'm sorry I stole this. [sees ashtray] I'll return it first thing in the morning.

Weekend at Barney's [8.18]

[Barney tries to explain to Robin why the Playbook still exists]

Robin: You really think this is just about a book Barney? You lied to me, and if we're gonna be in a marriage and trust each other, you can't lie to me. Ever.

Barney: Really, well that's just great, because in case you haven't noticed, these last eight years, lying is what I do best. [Begins pulling out various magic tricks] I'm a magician, Robin. Misdirection and deceit are my stock and trade. You don't want me to lie to you? Lies are the reason that we're together. Every single thing I did to you to get you to say "Yes" to me on that rooftop - Patrice, the false engagement, everything - it was all utter malarkey, but underneath ... all of those lies is one true thing - one true thing that can support the weight of all the lies in the world and that's the fact that I love you, and you know that when I say that, I'm not lying.

[Ted is back with Jeannette]

Ted: Jeannette, this is great. We're back together, you're coming to Barney and Robin's wedding. I found two wine glasses you didn't smash. Call me crazy, but I got a feeling that from hereon out it will be blue skies and -

Jeannette: What THE HELL... [shows Playbook] IS THIS?!?!?!

The Fortress [8.19]

[The Captain tips off Lily about another artwork]

Lily: Where is it?

The Captain: Riker's Island. The artist is serving two consecutive life sentences for aggravated homicide. I'm willing to go as high as six cartons of cigarettes and a jug of toilet wine.

[Robin confesses to Barney what she did to the couple who wanted to buy the apartment]

Barney: You turned them down?

Robin: Yeah, if I ask you to change too many things about yourself, you're not gonna be the man I fell in love with. Turns out I accept and appreciate even the grossest, creepiest, most sociopathic parts of you.

Barney: Sounds like somebody just wrote her vows. [kisses Robin]

The Time Travelers [8.20]

[Marshall is bitter because a drink he conceptualized at MacLaren's is named after Robin]

Robin: It's my usual!

Marshall: Immaterial! If it's gonna be named after anybody, it should be the Marshall Eriksen.

Robin: Sorry, it's the Robin Scherbatsky, read it and weep.

Marshall: So you're gonna Zuckerberg me? Alright, you're Zuckerberging me? It's fine, I'll see you in court, a little court called the dance floor. Dance-off now!

Lily: No, no dancing. Marshall, we've been through this. The doctor said your dancer's hip is worse than ever, you have to lay off dancing for a while.

Marshall: You're killing me, Lily!!! You're killing me! I'm an adult, you have to let me dance my own battles.

Future Ted: Kids, it's been almost 20 years since that cold April night in 2013, and I could safely tell you, if I could go back in time, and relive that night, there's no way in hell I'd go to Robots vs. Wrestlers. No, I'd go home. I'd go to my old apartment, see all my old furniture and stuff. I'd see my old drafting table, where I sketched out my first building. I'd sit on that old couch, and smell the Indian food cooking three stories below. I'd go to Lily and Marshall's place, back in that old living room where where so many things happened. I'd see the baby. I don't know if you can picture me holding your six foot seven cousin Marvin over my head, but back then I could. I'd go have a drink with Barney and Robin, watch them fight about their caterer, or whatever it was they were fighting about that night. But none of those things is the thing I'd do first. You know the thing I'd do first.

[Imaginary past Ted runs from MacLaren's through the streets of New York, until he reaches his future wife's apartment. He knocks on the door, and she opens]

Ted: Hi, I'm Ted Mosby. In exactly 45 days from now, you and I are gonna meet and are gonna fall in love, and we're gonna get married and we're gonna have two kids. We're gonna love them and each other so much. All that is 45 days away, but I'm here now I guess because ... I want this extra 45 days with you. I want each one of them - and if I can't have them, I'll take the 45 seconds before your boyfriend shows up and punches me in the face, because ... I love you. I'm always gonna love you to the end of my days, and beyond. You'll see.

Romeward Bound [8.21]

[Barney is miffed because Ted tried to advise him about Robin's being cool about him looking at other women]

Barney: Oh I see - and you'd know this because you know Robin better than I do? You know what she appreciates better than her own fiance.

Ted: I'm just saying if I was getting married in three weeks -

Barney: But you're not getting married in three weeks Ted, I am. Robin's marrying me, not you.

Ted: You're right, not my place. Why don't I get the next round.

[Marshall tries to convince Lily of accepting the Captain's assignment for her in Rome and she calls him on her speaking only one Italian sentence]

Marshall: [subtitles while repeating Italian sentence] Come on, maybe the only sentence I know is "come on bro, don't Bogart all the Funyuns," but I know in my heart that you understand me anyway. Because no one I know has better understood anyone better than you and I understand each other. Is this trip going to be scary? Yes. Do I like the idea of not knowing the language? Of course not, but I believe we can do this. I love you, Lily. I love you.

Lily: I love you. [kisses Marshall] So, we're going to Italy!

Marshall: Si! You may not know this yet, but I've already done some shopping.

The Bro Mitzvah [8.22]

[ Ralph Macchio enters Barney's apartment.]

Ralph Macchio: Hey Barney, it's Ralph. Listen, it's my pleasure to-

Barney: NOO!! I hate Ralph Macchio! I hate him, hate him, hate him! He is NOT the Karate Kid! The Karate Kid was William Zabka, star pupil of the Cobra Kai dojo, whom this monster defeated with a cheap, illegal head kick, in the most hauntingly tragic film ending of all time.

Ralph Macchio: [To Lily] Oh, I thought you meant "fun" crazy.

[Robin has confronted Barney on bailing over dinner with his mom]

Robin: I just tore your mom away from a living version of a Nick Nolte mugshot and put her in a cab home. Thank you for abandoning me on what has been one of the worst nights of my life.

Quinn: [approaches Barney] So it's my usual fee, plus I always charge an extra hundred for girl-on-clown action.

Robin: What the hell is she doing here?

Barney: Robin I swear, nothing happened.

Ralph Macchio: That means it's just hand stuff.

Barney: [tries to break up Robin and Quinn] Stop, stop, stop!

Robin: Sorry. Barney, this is unforgivable. [takes off and throws ring back at him] It's over. [leaves]

Quinn: [picks up ring] You know, I never got to do that. [throws ring at him and leaves]

Something Old [8.23]

[Lily and Marshall ask Ted why he wants them to bring their old beanbag chair to Italy]

Lily: Ted, if this means so much to you, why don't you just take it for yourself?

Ted: No, it's important that you keep it.

Marshall: Why?

Ted: This is the first thing we bought when we moved here after college. It was the only piece of furniture we had for a week, and now you two are moving to Italy. What if our friendship doesn't pass the "Have you used it in a year?" test? If you can throw out this chair, who's to say you can't throw me out too?

Marshall: That could never happen.

Lily: You're not a chair, you are our best friend.

Ted: You can say that, but a lot can change in a year.

[Robin is stunned to finally uncover her old locket's box - with no locket for her "Something Old."]

Robin: This is a sign from the universe.

Ted: It's not a sign from the universe.

Robin: Yes it is! The locket, it's gone and you tell me that doesn't mean anything? You know this is a bad omen, Ted. You're Universe Guy.

Ted: And you're Skeptic Girl! You're not supposed to believe any of that.

Robin: Maybe I've grown skeptical of being skeptical. This is a sign!

Ted: It's not a sign, you're doing the right thing marrying Barney. The universe isn't sending you some message! [begins to rain] As we know from science, rain is liquid water in the form of droplets which have condensed from atmospheric vapor and precipitated - it's not a sign!

Robin: Ted, this is a sign and you know it! I mean the universe is screaming at me right now and how can you of all people tell me to ignore that?

Ted: Because maybe it's dumb to look for signs from the universe, maybe the universe has better things to do - and dear God, I hope it does. Do you know how many signs I've gotten, how I should and shouldn't be with someone? Where has it gotten me? Maybe there aren't any signs. Maybe a locket's just a locket; a chair's just a chair. Maybe we don't have to give meaning to every little thing. Maybe we don't need the universe to tell us what we really want. Maybe we already know that. Deep down. [Robin holds his hand]

Something New [8.24]

[Lily has seen a House For Sale sign at Ted's newly remodeled house]

Lily: Why would you move to Chicago?

Ted: Because it's the perfect town for me. I-it's like a Clevelandy New York and don't act like you haven't noticed. My hair excels in the wind. Besides, you're moving to Rome.

Lily: Yeah for a year and when we get back, we need you to be here waiting for us, hopefully in this house with your future bride.

Ted: What future bride?

Lily: The girl. She's out there walking around New York City right now, probably in a pair of really cute boots that she's gonna let me borrow whenever I want because we're the same size. She's out there, Ted.

Ted: Is she, really? Because I've looked. I've looked high and low for someone I can love and adore and cook waffles for. The closest I've come is Marshall.

Lily: He does love your waffles.

Ted: It's the cinnamon. I add cinnamon. She's not in New York. Maybe in Chicago.

[A girl with a yellow umbrella approaches a train ticket office]

Girl: Hi. One ticket to Farhampton, please.