Amusing Quotes

“You didn't kill him. He would have killed you, but you didn't kill him."
"So? He was stupid. If I killed everyone who was stupid, I wouldn't have time to sleep.”
― Tamora Pierce, In the Hand of the Goddess

“But we're a university! We have to have a library!" said Ridcully. "It adds tone. What sort of people would we be if we didn't go into the library?"

"Students," said Senior Wrangler morosely.”
― Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent

“May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch”
― Keisha Keenleyside

“A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.”
― Erma Bombeck

“His fingers lightly grazed my cheek. "I didn't know you before. When you're not there, I can't concentrate. I'm wondering where you are, what you're doing...if you're there and I can see you, I can see you, I can focus. I know it's crazy, but that's how it is."

"And crazy is exactly the way I like it," I said, leaning up to kiss his lips.

"Obviously," America muttered under breath.”
― Jamie McGuire, Beautiful Disaster

“Careful with the accusations of insanity, oh my lady whose home is a tower with windows of brick, all for the sake of some skinny-ankled, laugh-prone boy of a khan.”
― Shannon Hale, Book of a Thousand Days

“Sara held up a hand. 'How exactly did you "decline" his offer?'
'By slitting his throat.”
― Nalini Singh, Angels' Blood

“The Dimwit's Guide to the Female Mind might assist your efforts in understanding human females. But it must be pointed out that this subject can be a dangerous adventure and should be undertaken with extreme caution. After all, human males have been trying to understand their females for generations, and most of the time they come away from these encounters looking like someone stuck their tails into an electric socket.”
― Anne Bishop, Marked in Flesh

“The little waiter's eyebrows wandered about his forehead in confusion.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“The Devil answer'd: bray a fool in a morter with wheat, yet shall not his folly be beaten out of him; if Jesus Christ is the greatest man, you ought to love him in the greatest degree; now hear how he has given his sanction to the law of ten commandments: did he not mock at the sabbath, and so mock the sabbaths God? murder those who were murder'd because of him? turn away the law from the woman taken in adultery? steal the labor of others to support him? bear false witness when he omitted making a defense before Pilate? covet when he pray'd for his disciples, and when he bid them shake off the dust of their feet against such as refused to lodge them? I tell you, no virtue can exist without breaking these ten commandments; Jesus was all virtue, and acted from impulse, not from rules.”
― William Blake, The Marriage of Heaven and Hell

“Think of the most fussy science teacher you ever had. The one who docked your grade if the sixth decimal place in your answer was rounded incorrectly; who tucked in his periodic table T-shirt, corrected every student who said "weight" when he or she meant "mass", and made everyone, including himself, wear goggles even while mixing sugar water. Now try to imagine someone whom your teacher would hate for being anal-retentive. That is the kind of person who works for a bureau of standards and measurement.”
― Sam Kean, The Disappearing Spoon: And Other True Tales of Madness, Love, and the History of the World from the Periodic Table of the Elements

“There are many premium writers, yes? Tolstoy, yes? He wrote War, and also Peace, which are both premium books.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated

“the kind of person took milk in his tea on one day and decided against it on the next.”
― Anne Enright, The Gathering

“and let's face it, the French Army couldn't beat a girls hockey team”
― Bill Bryson, Neither Here nor There: Travels in Europe

“Jacks dropped a heavy arm around her shoulders, sending a shock straight through her as he pulled her suddenly close.
'Want me to kill any of them for you?'
'No, they're just gossiping.'
'Then what if I merely give them the urge to cut out their own tongues?' he asked, flashing one of his dimples.
Evangeline stifled a giggle, though she knew she shouldn't be amused. She had no doubt he was serious about the tongues. 'Don't you dare-'
'You sure? They deserve it.' The whole House deserves it.
The thought was so quiet, Evangeline wasn't sure Jacks intended for her to hear it.”
― Stephanie Garber, The Ballad of Never After

“You think too much of your "toilette", Adele; but you may have a flower." I took a rose from a vase and fastened it in her sash. She sighed a sign of ineffable satisfaction, as if her cup of happiness were now full. I turned my face away to conceal a smile I could not suppress; there was something ludicrous as well as painful in the little Parisienne's earnest and innate devotion to matters of dress.”
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

“Assuming mother's absence is only for a short time, don't be too concerned if you find yourself being more relaxed than she is over what the children eat. It is far better to maintain harmony and let mother cope with the problem later. You can use the excuse "You are only having this because Mummy's in hospital!".”
― Nursing Mothers' Association of Australia, NMAA Cooks

“Other people say: hold on, if he's carrying the entire universe in a sack, right, that means he's carrying himself and the sack inside the sack, because the universe contains everything. Including him. And the sack, of course. Which contains him and the sack already. As it were.

To which the reply is: well?”
― Terry Pratchett

“Bruce ate a mouthful of eggs and meditated. 'I wonder how many of the great heroes of history would turn out to be a slow runner, if you ever investigated the circumstances.”
― Barbara Michaels, Ammie, Come Home

“Issib wasn't thrilled to see him. I'm busy and don't need interruptions."

"This is the household library," said Nafai. "This is where we always come to do research."

"See? You're interrupting already."

"Look, I didn't say anything, I just came in here, and you started picking at me the second I walked in the door."

"I was hoping you'd walk back out."

"I can't. Mother sent me here." Nafai walked over behind Issib, who was floating comfortably in the air in front of his computer display. It was layered thirty pages deep, but each page had only a few words on it, so he could see almost everything at once. Like a game of solitaire, in which Issib was simply moving fragments from place to place.

The fragments were all words in weird languages. The ones Nafai recognized were very old.

"What language is that?" Nafai asked pointing, to one.

Issib signed. "I'm so glad you're not interrupting me."

"What is it, some ancient form of Vijati?"

"Very good. It's Slucajan, which came from Obilazati, the original form of Vijati. It's dead now."

"I read Vijati, you know."

"I don't."

"Oh, so you're specializing in ancient, obscure languages that nobody speaks anymore, including you?"

"I'm not learning these languages, I'm researching lost words."

"If the whole language is dead, then all the words are lost."

"Words that used to have meanings, but that died out or survived only in idiomatic expressions. Like 'dancing bear.' What's a bear, do you know?"

"I don't know. I always thought it was some kind of graceful bird."

"Wrong. It's an ancient mammal. Known only on Earth, I think, and not brought here. Or it died out soon. It was bigger than a man, very powerful. A predator."

"And it danced?"

"The expression used to mean something absurdly clumsy. Like a dog walking on its hind legs."

"And now it means the opposite. That's weird. How could it change?"

"Because there aren't any bears. THe meaning used to be obvious, because everybody knew a bear and how clumsy it would look, dancing. But when the bears were gone, the meaning could go anywhere. Now we use it for a person who's extremely deft in getting out of an embarrassing social situation. It's the only case that we use the word bear anymore. And you see a lot of people misspelling it, too."

"Great stuff. You doing a linguistics project?"

"No."

"What's this for, then?"

"Me."

"Just collection old idioms?"

"Lost words."

"Like bear? The word isn't lost, Issya. It's the bears that are gone."

"Very good, Nyef. You get full credit for the assignment. Go away now.”
― Orson Scott Card, Magic Street

“When a new baby is expected mother has 9 months to prepare the family and the kitchen for her departure!”
― Nursing Mothers' Association of Australia, NMAA Cooks

“He sat staring before him, seeing nothing but a long line of Mortimers, inexhaustable and prolific to the end of time.”
― Edith Pargeter, A Bloody Field by Shrewsbury

“So, tell me about this guy. Did you meet him at work?"

"Eww. You know I'm related to everyone in the restaurant.”
― Ashleigh Stevens, Elephant on my Chest

“Cardan glances toward me, as though for help. When I am silent, he frowns, annoyed with both of us. 'Although I am wearing the cloak Mother Marrow made me, the one that will turn any blade, I still promise to run, tail between my legs. And since I have a tail, that should be amusing for everyone. Are you satisfied?”
― Holly Black, The Queen of Nothing

“As soon as the door closed, Uncle Enzo looked around. "I say he needs money."

Uncle Nico shook his head. "He's been arrested."

Nick came through the back door, hopping on a counter. "Who's been arrested?"

His father hit him on the back of the head. "No one. Get down."

I turned to my cousin. "Uncle Rob called."

"Oh. I say he needs money.”
― Ashleigh Stevens, Elephant on my Chest

“At least I know you are American.”

Crap! “What? I bloody am not…mate.”

“That could be the worst Australian accent I have ever heard.”

“That’s because…I’m British. Jolly good. Pip, pip! Long live the queen!”

He flicked me an amused glance and kept tapping keys. “Not British either.”

“Alright, fine, I’m a lass from Ireland. Top of the morning, boyo!”

“So you are not in Australia, England or Ireland. Thank you.”
― A. Kirk, Drop Dead Demons

“May the week end
But the weekend never end”
― Hrishikesh Agnihotri

“A problem?” Dane asks in a hopeful voice. We all side-eye him. “What? Oh.” He clears his throat and lowers his voice to say in the gravest tone, “Oh no, a problem?”
― Rory Miles, Shadow Slayer

“I think you've confused being enthralled with amusing yourself by irritating me.'

'Possibly,' he remarked. 'I do find pleasure in that.' He paused. 'Na'laa.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Fall of Ruin and Wrath

“Vanity, thy name is crow. Which is funny because c-r-o-w is also how you spell kleptomaniac.”
― Hailey Edwards, Amber Gambler