Esther

“my mother didn't want to hurt me,
but she was broken.
her brokenness cut into me
and made me bleed.

she didn't know how to love,
or at least how to love me.
it didn't even matter that she hurt me;
I just wanted her to be sorry.

she said that she loved me,
but it often felt like hate.
when I finally had enough and tried to be free,
she looked at me with desperation and cried,

"you are abandoning me!"

so, I stayed and I suffered,
and I did my best to love her.
as a woman, I have so much empathy
for my mother, but as a daughter, I have so much anger.”
― Rose Brik, My Father's Eyes, My Mother's Rage

“I prefer silence to the sadness
of being misunderstood.
it doesn’t matter how I explain my heart,
he doesn’t love me the way he should.
days go by without words,
and he doesn’t ask what’s wrong
like I thought he would.
but I still prefer silence to the sadness
of being misunderstood.”
― Rose Brik, My Father's Eyes, My Mother's Rage

“when they say, "but you survived!"
I smile and nod.
I look around and look within,
for any sign of life or remnants of who I had been.
she’s gone (the girl I used to be).
my heart was destroyed, I survived only physically.
I can’t remember a day I haven't cried;
is this what it means to be alive?
they watch me barely holding onto life,
and then they say, "but you survived!”
― Rose Brik, My Father's Eyes, My Mother's Rage

“just admit what you’ve done wrong, tell me you understand that you’ve hurt me. all I’ve ever wanted was your accountability. I know you can’t change the past. but the least you can do, without any excuse is ask for my forgiveness. why is it so hard to give me an apology? all you do is deny, I need your honesty. don’t say it didn’t happen, or that we don’t remember it the same. I am not a child anymore, I won’t fall for your gaslighting.”
― Rose Brik, My Father's Eyes, My Mother's Rage